


Dance in the Dark

by driverfever



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Angst, Ben Solo Is An Idiot, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, F/M, HEA, Legilimens, M/M, Magical Creatures trafficker Han Solo, Ministry employee Leia Organa, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, Non-Consensual Mind Reading, Orphan Rey (Star Wars), Slow Burn, the drama is strong with this one, they're 13 and 15 to start so I mean slowww
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 51,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26247013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driverfever/pseuds/driverfever
Summary: Rey is a Hufflepuff student at Hogwarts where she's enchanted by the world and the people around her. She can't understand why Ben, the Ravenclaw two years above her, seems to hate it all with equal fervor. So she doesn't leave him alone until she gets the answers she wants. He's not a fan of this approach.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 130
Kudos: 133
Collections: Ijustfellintothissendhelp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is a huge step. I've been dabbling in writing fics for a long time now, but haven't been thrilled with anything. I've always promised myself I wouldn't post anything until I had the whole work complete (because I haaaaate waiting for updates myself haha), but here I am breaking that with my first story. After working for months on a TROS fix-it and getting frustrated beyond belief when it just wouldn't come, I've switched gears and started working on one of my absolute FAVORITE story ideas, a Reylo set in the Harry Potter universe. While I thought about waiting on this and finishing it first, I'm impatient to start posting and getting some feedback as I continue writing. Covid has me out of a job and I am literally just waiting the next twelve months to start my Master's degree, so I should have plenty of time to write and update, if all goes as planned.
> 
> A few notes about the actual story: I set this after the events of Harry Potter. I don't have a definitive year, but it's not too long. Long enough that the war is kind of considered recent history... maybe twenty years? Something like that. A lot of the teachers are the same, and some of the other characters in the series will be referenced, but no major contributions there. This is pretty firmly interaction by Star Wars characters, just in the HP universe. OH! And Severus Snape is alive and well because f*** that I love him. 
> 
> There seem to be two themes with Reylos: those that recreate the main plot of the sequel trilogy in a different universe, and those that take the characters and do something totally different with them. This is somewhere in between, where I may pull from events in the movies, but it may not be in order, or in any sort of similar context. 
> 
> As for rating, I'm going with M mostly out of caution. If there's any sexual scenes later on they won't be detailed, same with any violence. The rating is probably mostly going to be for language. With that said, I will now shut up. I hope you enjoy, and please PLEASE leave feedback – this is my first story and any ideas/constructive criticism is hugely appreciated!

The candles lighting the Great Hall flickered a warm and winking welcome as Rey walked through the familiar oak doors, taking in the regal beauty of the castle around her. She knew by now, of course, each of the halls and staircases, which ones would hinder her progress toward her classrooms or common room, and which would lead her to secret passages that cut her journey in half. She knew of the kitchens directly below the Great Hall, the long tables holding food to be transported up to the next level in a show of grand magic that would leave the first years blinking in astonishment. This was her third year after all, so the newness of the school had worn off. The wonder of it though, that was another thing entirely. Rey didn't think she'd ever walk into this Hall without losing her breath as she gazed around.

Rey was a third-year student and presumably a muggleborn. It would seem that way anyway, judging by the purely muggle upbringing she had in a small London orphanage. In the muggle world, the only one she had known until two or so years ago, she went by the last name of Johnson. Here though, thanks to the magic of, well, magic, her identity was marked by other factors, such as her wand, her house, her owl. She had no need of her ambiguous last name that in her mind marked her for the world to see as unwanted, unclaimed. 

Rey vividly remembered the night two years ago to the day when she walked through those doors for the first time. Her excitement at seeing the castle and the new world she had been plunged into was in the back of her mind, relegated to a later time while she dreaded the upcoming events she had been told of on the train. The sorting ceremony, they had called it. Rose and Paige. The friendly sisters had welcomed her into their compartment and then proceeded to fill her in on the must-know basics of Hogwarts. The teachers, the houses, the classes. The summary should have left Rey feeling relieved and prepared. Instead, the explanation of the Sorting Hat and the ceremony that would choose her house left her shaking on the train. 

She had wanted to be excited, she really had. The school and the whole wizarding world, really, sounded wonderful. The magical hat that would sort through her thoughts and find her a place to belong. The four houses that unified their students and planted the roots for friendships that would last long past seven years at Hogwarts. Classes that would teach her the varying skills of the magical world and help create a witch sought after for her abilities and knowledge. It sounded too good to be true. 

Rey hadn't been able to help the thoughts that swirled at the front of her mind. She'd wondered if the hat ever told a student they didn't fit in any of the houses. If the school's population laughed, telling her it was a mistake that she was there and that she had to go back home. She had wondered when the faceless student in her imagination became her, told to go back to the home she never had. 

She needn't have worried. Upon arriving at Hogwarts and being led into the Great Hall, the fear coursing through Rey had led her to look around to the other first years, seeing the same sense of foreboding on their faces, purebloods and muggleborns alike. Rey had been called up late in the list, her lack of last name having put her in with the R's. The hat had been gently placed on her head where it considered momentarily before whispering to her.

“What an amalgam we have here, Rey, hmm? I sense a hope in you, a yearning for connection and belonging. You've not had an easy time getting here, have you? But you're a survivor. Yes, that is clear to me. You have always found a way. The House of Salazar Slytherin would be honored to have you. But there is more. Your heart is strong. A courage runs through you, one you may not think is there, but it burns brightly. Your have the heart of a Gryffindor. Your mind, however, has the thirst for knowledge of a Ravenclaw. You would do well in any house, Miss Rey. But what you seek, more than anything, is belonging. A desire for love, loyalty, unconditional affection. Only one house values this above all things so let's make you a HUFFLEPUFF!” 

The last word was yelled for all to hear, and Rey had scrambled up, all but running to the Hufflepuff table where she saw dozens of smiling faces aimed at her. Her heart light, she finally released her fears and tension, allowing herself to take in the sights of her first Welcome Feast at Hogwarts.

Rey snapped back to the present, finding herself already sitting at the Hufflepuff table, beside the very same Rose Tico she had met on the train her first year. Rose had been sorted just a few minutes after Rey, elating them both when the hat put her in Hufflepuff as well. Rey turned around, smiling broadly at Rose's sister Paige over at the Gryffindor table, where she was sitting across from Rose and Rey's best friends, Poe and Finn. The four had become close over the last two years, spending free time studying together outside in the nice weather and in empty classrooms during the winter months. The difference in houses between them made spending time together tough, but not impossible. 

Although Rey would call Rose her best friend, she shared a close connection with Finn, who had grown up in the wizarding world but had run away from his abusive family when he was only six years old. At that point, his parents had lost custody and he had been placed in the magical foster care system where he bounced around from home to home. He and Rey shared a lot of the same insecurities, and found comfort in each other when Rose and Poe, through no fault of their own, just couldn't relate. 

Rey continued her scan around the Great Hall, eyes falling onto the brooding, hulking figure of Ben Solo at the Ravenclaw table. The dour fifth year was sitting by himself at one end of the table, glaring at anyone who came close hard enough to set fire to their robes. Rey rolled her eyes, moving on. She just could not understand what would motivate someone to repel any and all attempts to befriend them. 

Finally, her gaze settled on the Slytherin table where fiery red hair caught her eye. She shuddered as she made eye contact with Armitage Hux, his sneer rivaling the ferocity of Ben Solo's glare. She and Hux had been enemies since day one. That probably wasn't accurate, though, she thought. Hux and everyone were enemies, it appeared. The haughty fifth year had plans to join the Ministry after school, and mere humans weren't about to get in his way. This wasn't some secret knowledge she had come across. No, Hux told literally everyone he encountered. Rey internally hoped that the higher-ups in the Ministry would take one look at him and laugh in his face. She couldn't imagine that being in charge of anything.

Rey shook herself mentally, turning to the Head Table to listen to Headmistress McGonagall as she addressed the school. Rey had already missed the entire Sorting due to her mental wanderings. There was something about September 1 that made Rey nostalgic, even though it had only been two years since she first arrived at Hogwarts. She focused now, catching the tail end of Professor McGonagall's warnings about the Forbidden Forest and every product made by Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. 

She turned expectantly to the table in front of her, gasping in delight as it filled with every food imaginable. This, this, she thought, had to be her favorite part of Hogwarts. She'd eaten herself sick at her first Welcome Feast, thinking it was too good to be true. When a similarly obscene amount of food was on the table for breakfast the next morning, she had pinched herself, barely able to believe the years she had spent struggling for enough food were definitively over. 

Despite knowing now about the abundance of food she was be presented with over the next nine months, she still reveled in the spread before her. She didn't revel too long though, jumping in with everyone else to load her plate as the sound of clinking dishes and soft chatter filled the Great Hall. Having filled her plate, she turned to Rose.

“I'm sooo happy to be back! I know I've said it a million times today but it's almost like I forget how much I miss the castle til we're actually here.” Rey promptly stuffed a potato in her mouth as Rose nodded, a look of understanding crossing her face.

“I know what you mean. And this year is going to be even better! I can't wait to start Care of Magical Creatures.”

“You'll have to tell me all about it. I wanted to take it, but I didn't have time! I figure I can learn that on my own. Maybe you can help me.” Rey's enthusiasm had Rose laughing now as she poked Rey in her side.

“I still don't know how you aren't in Ravenclaw. You're crazy! I can't imagine adding three classes, especially both Arithmancy and Ancient Runes. Don't get mad at me when you don't have time to sleep.”

“I just couldn't pick! They all sound amazing and I want to at least give everything a shot so I know what I like. Those and Divination sounded the hardest to learn on my own so I figured I'd take them. Care of Magical Creatures seems easier to learn on my own, and I don't exactly need Muggle Studies.” Rey wrinkled her nose at this, thinking of the life, or lack thereof, she left behind in London. 

“Well that's the other one I took, so you help me with that and I'll give you my notes from Magical Creatures. I didn't really know what else to take, I already know what I want to do so anything else seemed kind of pointless.”

Rey wasn't sure whether she was jealous of Rose's one-track mind or not. Rose had known since day one what she wanted to do with her life, focusing on Transfiguration and Charms above all else and adding Muggle Studies the minute she had the chance. The field of Magical Engineering was a new, but sorely needed one, delving into the mechanics of muggle objects and finding ways to build their equivalents in the magical world. Rose's father was a half-blood who kept a foot in each world, living a magical lifestyle with his family but choosing to work in the muggle industry of aeronautical engineering. He was Rose's hero, and she hadn't gone a day since she was something like five years old not knowing what her future would look like.

Rey, on the other hand, was still in awe of the world around her. After two years, she still felt like she'd barely scratched the surface of what the magical world had to offer. She didn't want to miss out on a single possibility of what she could do when she grew up. She wanted to learn about everything, leading to Rose's (and Finn's, and Poe's) jokes about her being an undercover Ravenclaw. This is what led to her signing up for the three toughest electives the school had to offer when they had their schedule meetings last spring to prepare for their third year. She guessed about half the students in the school at least had an idea of the field they wanted to specialize in, while Rey still had made no decisions, not wanting to focus in on something specific and miss out on even better ideas. She knew she'd have to get over it eventually, but for now, she was looking forward to the new classes, if not the work load that would come with them. 

“Well I guess we'll be seeing less of you this year then, since the library's going to hog all your time.” Rose's teasing voice pulled Rey out of her thoughts, and it took a second for her brain to catch up with the conversation. 

“We can still study together, even if we have different classes. And we still have all the subjects we did last year so we can all work together on those to save more time for the new ones.”

“Speaking of which, do you remember what Finn and Poe signed up for? I was planning to ask them on the train but I never saw them, did you?” Rey paused at Rose's question, thinking back to the end of last term.

“I think they both signed up for Divination and Muggle Studies.”

“Figures, the two classes everyone says are the easiest. Gryffindors.” Rose scoffed, causing Rey to chuckle and turn around to once again look at the two, who appeared to be in a heated debate about the rolls in front of them. Rey had missed her friends over the summer, the lack of laughter and things breaking nearby a sore reminder that she was on her own for three months.

Rey turned back to Rose, grinning and shaking her head.

“Did we expect any different? Divination is going to be a disaster with them in there, I can feel it in my bones.” 

Rose snorted, about to answer when their attention was grabbed by the Headmistress summoning dessert from the kitchens.

“Oh my god, the best part!” Rey moaned as she admired the sea of pies and puddings in front of her, grabbing about six different items in quick succession. 

“You're going to make yourself sick, you know.” Rose raised an eyebrow at Rey's plate.

“Yeah, right. I could double this.” The conviction in Rey's voice caused Rose to smile as she settled into her own dessert, knowing enough of Rey's past not to dig too deep into this topic.

As the feast came to a close, the Headmistress once again stood up, closing with the reminder that they would receive their schedules in the morning at breakfast. Everyone was then sent off to their common rooms as the last of the food disappeared from the table.

Rose and Rey made their way out of the Great Hall and down the nearby stairs to the basement corridor leading to the Hufflepuff common room, grateful as always that they got to go down one flight of stairs to end the night rather than up six flights to the Gryffindor dormitories like Poe and Finn. Not even bothering to stop in the common room, the two girls found their third year dormitory, their trunks already in place at the foot of neighboring beds. 

Rey fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow, in part due to the excitement of the day, and probably more thanks to the comfort of the mattress beneath her and the feeling of the castle she considered home around her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you everyone for your kind words! I can't wait to experience this story with everyone else, as I am literally posting it as I write it. On that note, I got on a roll after posting chapter 1 and here we are. The whole story is going to be Rey's POV, and you'll get Ben's backstory from his conversations with her later.
> 
> I actually went through and made schedules for Rey and Ben because I didn't want any holes there, so that's attached. I went with the theme of a college schedule, about 3 hours of class time a week for core classes and half that for electives. Potions I kind of formatted like Chem or Bio was for me, with a one-hour classroom period/recitation and a three-hour lab later in the week. Astronomy is the same as the other core classes, two 90-minute sessions but one of them is at night as the practical. 
> 
> [Rey and Ben's schedules](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rHsTijuFjirm6wscn23H_5uc-Rh3ySAB/view?usp=sharing)

Rey woke up gradually, muffled sounds of her year-mates pulling her to consciousness. She laid still for a minute, basking in the knowledge that for the next nine months she would wake here every day with food on her plate, friends around her, and infinite knowledge about the magical world to discover. Maybe she really should've been a Ravenclaw, she mused.

She smiled, knowing the Sorting Hat had been right to put her in Hufflepuff. She had felt accepted and included from day one, the house known for friendship and loyalty living up to its reputation as it took in the girl who had been looking for nothing more than exactly that her whole life. 

Sighing, she swung her legs out of her bed and stood, noting that she had over an hour before breakfast ended. She got ready for the first day of classes quickly, throwing her hair up in her regular three-bun style and pulling on her robes. She had all of her books in her bag today, not knowing which classes she would have yet. Luckily, this would be the only day she'd need to lug so many materials around in her beat-up backpack.

She'd had the bag forever, snagging it from a thrift store years ago. She absolutely loved the thing with its yellow canvas exterior. It could almost pass for Hufflepuff if it weren't for the faded green straps that she now hoisted over her shoulders. Rose always told her the bag fit her personality, its bright colors a perfect illustration of the light that Rey seemed to give off in waves. She wasn't sure if she believed all that, but she liked to think it helped cheer her up on harder days.

Rose was still getting ready, so Rey decided to go up to breakfast by herself, taking the steps two at a time in her eagerness to reach the Great Hall and get both her schedule and a healthy dose of bacon. As she brushed past the doorway into the Great Hall, she nearly collided with a large body storming in the other direction. 

Ben Solo brushed past her without a glance, lurching up the staircase beyond in an irritated manner. Rey stared after him, truly curious about what his problem was. She'd been aware of the great storm cloud that was Ben Solo since she came to Hogwarts, but couldn't recall ever actually exchanging a word with the Ravenclaw who was two years her senior. His housemates seemed to avoid him at all costs, but he didn't appear to have friends in other houses either, not that she was keeping a close watch. He was just always alone.

Rey almost felt a pang of sympathy at that, but then remembered all the times she'd seen him brush off conversation with others at mealtimes, in the library, or out in the courtyards and on the grounds. He clearly wanted to be alone all the time, and she couldn't imagine going through life like that. The prospect of being truly alone was one that Rey had nightmares of. She had plenty of material for said nightmares too, having felt totally alone for the first eleven years of her life. Now that she had friends here at Hogwarts, she couldn't imagine rejecting their company.

Rey was pulled out of her consternation over the fifth year by her head of house, Professor Sprout, who pressed a parchment into Rey's hand at the head of the Hufflepuff table. Rey automatically looked down, noting with mild trepidation that her day's schedule began with Potions up first. The Potions professor, Severus Snape, was... ornery. He was nothing like he'd apparently been years and years ago, before the end of the Great War, but it did not mean he was a pleasant and sunny fellow. Rey enjoyed the class, but starting the year off with it meant she'd need to be on her toes.

A jostling next to her caught her attention as Rose slid into the next seat, a parchment in her hand as well. Rose grimaced at the day's schedule, not appreciating Potions nearly as much as Rey. 

“Of _course_ we have to start off the year with the professor most allergic to fun in the entire school,” Rose mourned. 

“At least we have an elective this afternoon. I've got Ancient Runes after lunch, how about you?” Rey craned her neck to look at Rose's schedule.

“Muggle Studies then I see you in History of Magic. No way I'm staying awake with that as the last period of the day.” Rose craned her head to compare schedules with Rey, noting that they both had three free periods together. Rose additionally had Friday afternoons off, which Rey did not.

“Ooh, Divination is a rough draw,” Rose winced. Rey scanned her schedule, noting with dismay that she had Divination last period on Friday while Rose was off.

“Maybe I should just drop it,” Rey mused, turning to Rose. “You know Finn and Poe are.” Her smirk matched Rose's before the both burst out laughing, already imagining the loud protests that were sure to come from their friends. 

Overall, Rey was happy with her schedule. There was a note at the bottom that the Astronomy practical would be Wednesday nights for third year, which couldn't have worked out better considering she had a later start on Thursdays. Just as she was finishing up breakfast and packing her schedule away, a loud commotion from the Gryffindor table demanded her attention. She turned, her face lighting up when she saw Poe and Finn screeching to a halt at their table, frantically grabbing for muffins or any other handheld foodstuffs they could manage as they breathlessly took their schedules from Professor McGonagall, who eyed them with not-so-well-hidden exasperation. 

“Give me that.” The demand came from Rose, who snatched Finn's schedule away from him for inspection. He sheepishly surrendered, looking to Rey for rescue. She huffed a quiet laugh before getting to her feet and making her way to the other three who were quickly getting into a heated discussion about the importance of being on time on the first day of term, or in Poe's case, the lack of importance. 

Just as it looked like Rey might need to step in, the clock chimed signaling the end of breakfast and the imminent start of classes. The four turned to leave the Great Hall in unison, Poe's arm around Rey as he mourned his Friday afternoons.

“Of course they put the easy one in that time slot, they just had to punish everyone smart enough to take a fake class,” Poe announced airily. Rey snorted, shoving him off.

“I'll bet you the entire inventory of Honeydukes you don't make it through a single Divination class this year without falling asleep.” Poe began to open his mouth, an eyebrow raised in what Rey knew very well to be unfounded confidence.

“Don't you dare take that bet!” Finn cut in to their conversation, looking alarmed. “One, I'm not paying for that. Two, I, at least, am fully planning to sleep and don't really care.”

The look of indignation on Rey's face at that announcement left the other three in fits of laughter, which Rey joined in with soon after. She had missed this camaraderie. Even if her friends could be complete fools, her affection for them knew no bounds. 

They split at the staircases, Rey and Rose turning to head down to the dungeons for their double lab session of Potions while Finn and Poe meandered toward the Charms classroom, not looking like they had any intention of getting there on time.

Potions wasn't half bad, probably because the Hufflepuffs were partnered with the Ravenclaws. The class was spent going over the summer work, and thanks to the skewed schedule meaning they wouldn't have their first recitation until next week, they escaped without homework. Rey had a feeling that wouldn't be a common occurrence despite it being the first week.

After a quick lunch in the Great Hall during which Poe regaled the girls with tales of Professor McGonagall's transformation into a very angry cat, Rey left for her first elective, Ancient Runes. She was slightly anxious about starting a new subject, an experience she hadn't had since the coma-like first week of first year when the novelty of the school caused total sensory overload. The subject studying an ancient language promised to be as intriguing as Rey had hoped it would be, and Professor Babbling soothed away any nerves in the third year class as she handed out a syllabus and quick reference guide. 

Rey left the classroom light on her feet, looking forward to getting through History of Magic so she could get to the library and start in on her Ancient Runes work. She figured she could get it out of the way early and take a nap between dinner and Astronomy and then have an easy morning. 

After pushing through History of Magic with the help of Rose at her side (they had a long-standing pact to help keep each other awake in this driest of subjects) Rey promised Rose she'd see her at dinner and then wandered off toward the library, wanting to claim a seat early in the year. It wasn't official or anything, but she'd learned if she was there enough whatever spot she took would generally be open. 

She settled into an armchair in the corner of the library, a small side table to her right just big enough to work on. She liked the idea of spending time studying in the cushioned chair, her legs tucked up underneath her. This was a big improvement on the straight-backed chair at a worktable she'd claimed last year, she mused.

A low muttering off to her left distracted her and she lifted her eyes to search for the offender, pausing when her gaze led her to Ben Solo, sitting at the very same table she'd claimed last year. He didn't appear to have noticed her, his eyes scanning back and forth over a text spread open in front of him as he mumbled under his breath. He looked unreasonably stressed for the first day of classes, Rey thought.

She took a moment to study the massive frame hunched over the table, the too-wide shoulders awkwardly slouched as if to take up less space, the long dark waves of hair obscuring his face that she knew held a prominent Roman nose and mahogany eyes that always held fiery embers of anger in their depths. One hand hovered over the edge of the page he was reading, poised to turn the page and reveal whatever secrets currently had him so enraptured, the other mindlessly fumbling with a capped pen he clearly had no intention of using. 

Rey quickly glanced down, ashamed of her staring despite knowing she'd not been caught. Ben Solo had been a closed off mystery since she arrived, and despite the outward demeanor that appeared hazardous to one's health, she was endlessly curious about what could cause someone to gravitate so strongly towards that which Rey so desperately tried to avoid: solitude. She turned to her Ancient Runes work, determined to focus on the pages in front of her and tune out her agitated companion. 

After an hour of working through the brand new language, Rey was finished with her first assignment and gathered her things to leave the library and head to dinner. She glanced over toward the table to her left, noting with surprise that Ben Solo was no longer there. She'd never heard him get up and leave. 

Thoughts of the somber fifth year left her quickly as she joined Rose in the Great Hall, listening with amusement as Rose described in detail the syllabus for Muggle Studies. Rey couldn't help but laugh at the simplicity of the class. Things she'd taken for granted since before she could remember, like electrical lights and cars, required month-long sections of the third-year syllabus. 

“I mean, I get why they need to start with the basics, but I just wish we could, I don't know, skip a year? Not that I won't learn anything, but spending three weeks on the basic properties of a car isn't exactly ground-breaking to me.” Rey nodded in sympathy with her friend, knowing well Rose's desire to dive headfirst into the inner workings of muggle machinery in detail that was most definitely not going to be covered in a general Muggle Studies class.

“Anyways, how was the library? You beat everyone else to it?” Rose's questioning held a note of teasing as she grinned at Rey.

“No, actually. There was one other kid there.” Rey didn't know why, but she didn't feel like sharing the sight of Ben Solo wrestling with unknown conflict with her friends. It just seemed... intrusive.

“Oh god, the Ravenclaws are taking over.” Rose pretended to shudder, drawing a smile from Rey as they settled down to dinner. 

Rey fell back to her musings, wondering what could have had Ben Solo so stressed on the first day of term. She'd heard horror stories about fifth year the the OWLs that accompanied the end of it, but it couldn't be that bad on day one, could it? None of the fifth years in her house seemed that worried yet. 

She decided to move on, focusing wholly on her own house and her friends from then on. So what if she spared a few glances for the Ravenclaw table, subtly trying to seek out those tousled waves of hair? She was curious about _everything_ , this was no different.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No foreshadowing here, never. :D So in the notes on chapter 1 I said there really wouldn't be involvement from HP characters, I guess the exception here would be some of the professors who I've listed in the tags. They'll take on bigger roles as we go, but still not massive. I'm already working on chapter 3 so I may fly right through this, who knows.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we go with chapter 3! Starting in this one we'll move a little faster with some time jumps coming up in the next few chapters.
> 
> I had an outline with everything planned out chapter to chapter, and then writing happened, and already they're taking on a life of their own and some of my plans are changing. So basically don't take any hints from the title because I'm not sure it's relevant anymore. Anyways, enjoy!

Thursday morning found Rey rising slightly later than she had the day before, but there was no way in hell she was going to miss breakfast just because she had a free period afterward. She donned her robes and wandered up to the Great Hall, taking her bag with her in case she decided not to go back to the common room before her first class of the day, Defense Against the Dark Arts. 

After a quick breakfast she found herself outside in the courtyard, taking in the mild September weather that she so enjoyed before the bitter cold of the Scottish autumn and winter moved in. London wasn't exactly a tropical paradise, but she just couldn't get used to the way the raw chill would seep through her bones during the darkest months of the year. She surmised that by the time she was finished at Hogwarts she'd like to move somewhere warm and dry where she could feel the sun heat her skin every day of the year. 

Rey glanced around her, appreciating the rustling leaves on the trees through which the morning light gently filtered. Feeling inspired, she pulled out a notebook and a pencil, nibbling the end briefly before setting to work. She had begun sketching when she was younger, passing time people watching on the downtown streets of the city and capturing their mundane realities with her pencil. She took comfort in it, creating these images that captured just a sliver in time, no history or worries or baggage to disrupt the simplicity of the moment. 

Rey preferred drawing people, but the act of creating always set her at ease no matter the subject. She was halfway through her sketch of the lake reflecting shadows of the Forbidden Forest and the hills beyond when she realized she should start making her way to class. She tucked the notebook away with a brief smile, already planning to come back at the same time Saturday morning to finish the sketch.

She arrived at the Defense classroom a few minutes earlier than expected and leaned against the wall, dropping her bag at her feet while she waited for the class before hers to let out. The door opened suddenly, startling her slightly as fifth year students started filing out, the voice of Professor Longbottom reminding them of their essay over the low hum of conversation. 

Just as she leaned down to pick up her bag, a somewhat familiar head of black hair towering above those around it caught her eye. She froze, following the tense form of Ben Solo with her eyes as he skirted around his classmates and hurried off down the hall. 

Rey blinked, grabbing her bag and rushing into the classroom to claim a seat before anyone else, the moment in the hallway running through her mind. She liked to think of herself as fairly intuitive, someone who could at least understand others' motivations and behaviors even if she didn't agree with them. Ben Solo, however, was a complete mystery. She resolved to forget and focus on the class, just now remembering Professor Longbottom's words to the fifth years about an essay as class let out. She hoped that was a specialty due entirely to the OWLs. Essays assigned in the first week were not her idea of fun.

Rose joined her soon after and the two listened with rapt enthusiasm as Professor Longbottom explained that this year would include extensive study of dark creatures and methods to subdue and escape them. 

“See? I didn't even need to take Magical Creatures! This is perfect.” Rey was thrilled her class plan was working out, grinning at Rose as they made their way to lunch.

“Yeah well we'll only learn about the scary ones in Defense. I get to study the fun ones too.” Rose was a little less enthused about studying the varying breeds and killing habits of dragons than Rey was, having grown up in the magical world. Rey was still too stuck on the fact that they actually existed to be worried about her own survival should she encounter one. 

“Whatever. I can already tell it's going to be a good year.”

“You say that every year.” Despite her dry tone, Rose's expression betrayed her as she smiled softly at Rey's excitement. Her friend had come a long way from the scared, self-doubt filled girl she and her sister had met on the train. 

The rest of the day went smoothly with two classes keeping Rey busy in the afternoon. Dinner found her swapping stories with Finn and Poe, the latter of whom had apparently already set fire to poor Professor Flitwick in Charms. The first class of the year had to be a record, Rey swore. 

“I wish we had class together. They still have this whole idea that pairing us with the Slytherins will help everyone be friends, it's so stupid. We'd probably get along better if we _didn't_ have to see each other for like, six hours a day.” Finn's complaints had Rey and Rose rolling their eyes. They heard the same thing every year. He did have a point, though. It seemed like the house pairings were permanent, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws attending core subjects together and and Gryffindors and Slytherins doing the same. Sadly, it meant the four of them almost never had class together, even now with electives since they all took different combinations. 

The four of them stayed in the Great Hall until well after dinner, each pulling out some homework to chip away at while they talked in-depth about their summers. Poe's family had invited Finn along on vacation Greece, and the two had innumerable stories about their adventures on the pristine coastline. Rey couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have a family like that to travel with. She didn't begrudge Finn at all, she was incredibly happy he had Poe and his family to give him the belonging he needed. She couldn't help but wish she'd find the same, one day.

..............................

Friday morning began much the same as Rey started to fall back into her routine. She grabbed a few extra snacks at breakfast, knowing today was absolutely chock-full of classes and not wanting to zone out partway through. Astronomy was first up, and she climbed up the tower to the penultimate level where the practical classroom was housed, grumbling about the distance she'd need to rush back to get to History of Magic in time.

As soon as class ended she was out the door, not that it made a huge difference – they were all going to the same place anyway. After finally reaching the bottom of the tower she paused for a second to catch her breath and was nearly knocked off her feet by none other than Ben Solo, nearly running in the other direction. She jumped back at the last second, just catching the brush of his robes on her arm as he stalked past, seemingly unaware of her presence or how close he had come to knocking her flat on her arse. 

She fumed momentarily about his lack of courtesy before looking at her watch and continuing on around the corner to the History of Magic classroom. She realized he'd probably been coming from there and felt her anger dissipate as she concluded he was running very late. Pulling her homework from Wednesday out, she put the encounter to the back of her mind and focused on class. 

The afternoon brought an entertaining Charms lesson over which Professor Flitwick presided cautiously, wand at the ready and eyebrows conspicuously missing.

At the end of class Rey packed up with Rose, calling over her shoulder and promising to meet up with her at dinner as she left the classroom and turned down the hallway toward Divination. She turned back in time to see a large chest taking up the entirety of her vision, not having time to stop before colliding with said chest. Jumping back, she stammered a quick apology, almost trailing off as she looked up, and up and up, to catch sight of Ben Solo's surprised face. Not waiting for a reply, she stepped quickly around him and hurried off.

Divination went about as well as Rose had promised her it would, and Rey swore to find other people in the class to sit with besides Finn and Poe so she would at the very least survive, and possibly even pass the class. Rose had zero sympathy for her later that evening after dinner, instead taking great delight in Finn's prediction that Rey would meet her husband on Halloween in six years.

“That's – I – you didn't even turn over the cup right. It's supposed to be _vague_. That's not how any of it works!” Rey's frustrated stammering had the other three in fits of laughter.

“Doesn't matter. I predicted it, I _saw_ it,” Finn answered in a hushed voice, widening his eyes as if to prove his abilities. He was cut off from saying anything else when Rey hit him over the head with a textbook. 

They were eventually shooed out of the extra classroom they were in by a prefect only minutes before curfew, scrambling to gather their books and make it back to their houses before losing any points.

..............................

The first weekend of the term brought a sense of peace for Rey, who spent her time sketching, reading, and generally enjoying the castle and its surroundings. She truly felt at home here, more so than she ever had in London. She couldn't imagine ever leaving the school, even if that wasn't for almost another five years. 

She supposed it was the people more than the actual castle that made her feel like she belonged, but she couldn't help but feel an affection for the location as well, the well-worn hallways and steps reminding her of the thousands of students who had come before her, experiencing the same classes and meals and inside jokes. 

She ruminated on this as she walked to the library Sunday afternoon, needing to finish up her homework for Defense before the morning. She supposed the idea of sharing those experiences made her feel like she had something in common with her peers, a feeling she wasn't used to. She'd always felt the outcast at school, her ratty clothes and too-thin frame announcing for all her schoolmates to see that she did not have a loving family to go home to, did not get to worry about which sports to play or who was going to whose sleepover. The fact that she got to leave all that behind and exist on a level playing field here still seemed too good to be true at times, especially early in the year when the memories of the orphanage were so fresh in her mind.

Lost in her thoughts, Rey almost didn't notice the other presence in the library as she sat down in the same comfortable chair as she had the first night. Movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention, and she glanced up, taking in the sight of Ben Solo in the same seat, once again bent over in intense concentration. This time though, he wasn't reading. Instead, his quill skimmed back and forth across a parchment, the jolting motion of his hand giving a frantic quality to his writing. 

She watched through her eyelashes, head lowered, wondering if this disconcerting urgency she kept observing was the way he always went about life. She stayed there, observing, for several minutes, or maybe it was more than that. She watched him write and write, then go back and frenetically scratch something out before continuing on, never pausing to read back or think. She wondered what it was that was keeping him so engrossed. She couldn't imagine it was schoolwork, judging by the lack of reference materials around him. 

Eventually she came back to herself, remembering her original reason for coming to the library. Pulling out her materials, she got to work finishing her Defense assignment classifying the syllabus list of dark creatures by level of danger. It was straightforward enough, but tedious, resulting in her putting it off until today. After she finished, she slowly packed up, not wanting to disturb her still furiously scrawling companion. She quietly hoisted her bag and left the library, still wondering what Ben Solo was work so tirelessly on. 

..............................

Monday flew by, the morning filled with another lively Defense class and a Potions classroom session in which Professor Snape reminded them all that he had survived a deadly attack by a highly deadly snake owned by the most deadly wizard of all time, and if he were to die now due to teenage incompetence in a Potions lab, he would take them along with him. Rey snickered quietly as he focused his theatrical ire on a quickly paling Kaydel, a Ravenclaw whose ineptitude in Potions rivaled only that of Professor Longbottom's, according to said professor himself. As soon as Snape turned to the board to begin writing, Kaydel turned around, mouthing “Help!” to the class in general. Several muffled giggles had Snape whirling around with a thunderous expression, eyeing them all suspiciously before moving on with the lesson. 

The afternoon was short as Rose and Rey trekked to the greenhouses for Herbology. After several plant-related disasters the year before, the class had been split so that each house had their own session, giving Professor Sprout the ability to pay more attention to each of them, and in the worst case scenario, reducing the number of potential victims in the vicinity. After an uneventful class, the two ambled back to the castle, absconding Poe and Finn on the way for their shared free period and bullying them into spending some quality time in the library.

There, they claimed the table next to Rey's new favorite chair, where they spread out and started working through homework. For Rey and Rose, that meant the assignments they'd been given that day. For Finn and Poe, it meant the ones due most imminently.

Rey heard a small scuff on the carpet behind her and turned around to see Ben Solo standing awkwardly, holding his bag and staring at the group. His fingers played absentmindedly with the strap in his hand, forearm flexing slightly under the weight of a backpack clearly piled with books. His eyes darted between her and the table's other occupants and he gently shifted from one foot to the other, the subtle movement giving away his disquietude. 

Before she could open her mouth to say anything, he turned and disappeared between the stacks. Half of her wanted to follow him, to find him and apologize for... for what? Taking the table? She huffed internally. Clearly they'd taken his usual table because of the size of the group. Not exactly something to apologize for. She shook her head, turning back to her work. It appeared the others hadn't noticed his arrival, nor his sudden departure, so she pushed it from her thoughts and focused back on her work and her friends.

..............................

Tuesday passed quietly, completing Rey's first week as a third year with relative ease. Professor Patil in Divination was... different... but pleasant, and she loved her additional electives of Ancient Runes and Arithmancy. The workload was intense, though, and she had already come to the conclusion that she would be spending ample amounts of time in the library. She wondered momentarily if she should have kept to two electives so she would have time to join a club, or possibly the Quidditch team. She would have made more friends that way, she mused. She liked everyone in her own house, and she was close to Poe and Finn, but outside of that she didn't know many people. She had clung immediately to those she met early on, so content with having those connections that it hadn't occurred to her to really socialize more. 

It wasn't that she was unhappy, or lonely. It just seemed silly to be in a school of so many people and only really know a handful of them. She resolved to make a few more friends in other houses this year. 

Wednesday morning brought the first real Potions lab of the year, during which almost every student in the room was threatened with detention but none of whom actually received it. They had all heard the tales of Professor Snape pre-end-of-the-war, and they were not pretty. It appeared the heat behind his words was long gone, but he still enjoyed putting on the show. Rey grinned as she turned in her potion at the end of class, receiving a curt nod from the professor as she put her sample on his desk. Potions wasn't necessarily her strong suit, but she thought the subject was amazing. The things that could be created would have been unimaginable to her just a few short years ago.

Immediately after dinner that evening Rey made her way to the library, figuring this was a good night to plan on spending there every week while she waited for her Astronomy practical later that night. She slipped between bookcases to reach the back of the room, meeting the eyes of Ben Solo as she put her bag down next to her corner chair. He was watching her, his arm paused in the middle of writing. She broke eye contact, sitting down and pulling out her books. As soon as she broke the gaze she heard him resume writing, his frantic pace from the weekend maintained. 

Before she could get through more than one page of reading, however, she heard his quill stop again. She kept her eyes focused on her book, refusing to look up to see what he was doing. She stared unseeing at the words on the page, focused only on the absence of activity nearby. 

“You're following me.” The softly spoken words barely made it to her ears, the deep tenor taking her by surprise. She jerked her head up, eyes wide, to see him staring unflinchingly at her. His head was cocked to the side, challenging, the usual combative sparks in his eyes fully-formed flames now.

“W-what?” Her stuttered question came out high-pitched, confused. She admonished herself, continuing to meet his hard stare.

“All week. You've been following me. What do you want?” His tone changed, sounding resigned by the end of his words. His eyes continued blazing, however, the tension in his jaw screaming at her that he was looking for a fight. Instead of answering immediately, she bent down and reached into her bag, pulling out a single parchment. She stood up and walked over to him, parchment held out in front of her as if to signify a peace offering. Maybe it was.

“I'm not. See for yourself.” Rey spoke quietly, not wanting to antagonize him further. She placed the parchment on the table in front of him. He glanced down at her schedule, eyes flitting back and forth over the blocks. She could see him mentally comparing it to his own, noting the multiple times late in the week where their paths overlapped. She saw the second he deflated, his shoulders rounding slightly, the tic in his jaw fading. He didn't look up.

“Will you be here with your... friends... every Monday?” She wondered at his pause on the word friends, the way the word seemed unfamiliar on his tongue. 

“Probably not. Finn and Poe are, well, they're not the type to study. Or read.” She couldn't help but smile slightly, her lips quirking up as she tried to not to laugh at the thought of those two in the library on a weekly basis. She recalled dragging them there in the spring of firth year just to find out that they had not, in fact, ever been there before. A quiet snort brought her back to the present, and she saw the tension melting off of his face. Not sure if the conversation was over, Rey padded back to her chair, resuming her work as quietly as possible so as not to upset the precarious balance that seemed to hang between them. She heard the quiet scratching of a quill resume not long after, and the sound seemed to dull the outside world as she immersed herself in her studies. When she packed up to leave for Astronomy, Ben Solo was still there, immersed in his writing.

Rey didn't think anything more of the encounter until the following morning when a school owl dropped a single parchment in front of her during breakfast. She picked it up and unfurled it, finding her own schedule she had shown Ben Solo the evening before. She reflected on the interaction, realizing she'd never taken it back after the exchange. She glanced up toward the Ravenclaw table, seeking him out, but she couldn't locate his distinct locks. She couldn't recall ever actually seeing him at breakfast. She wondered why he insisted on secluding himself. She wondered when she started wondering so much about Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally - gasp - TALK to each other! I very seriously meant the slowest of burns, guys. :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! The inspiration keeps coming, so here we are with chapter 4. We start having some time jumps here, now that a little groundwork has been laid. After this the next few chapters will slow down again, I expect. Thank you once again for the comments! Every one brings a smile to my face.
> 
> I'm starting to get a handle on the number of chapters... I have timelines, plots, etc all written out (soooooo many loose papers if we're being honest!) but I haven't really divided things up into chapters. As I'm writing I stop where it feels right, but now that I'm a few chapters in I think I'm getting a feel for how fast it's going to travel. This estimate of 25 could change quite a bit, but I wanted to at least give everyone a ballpark.

The days began to blur together into weeks as Rey fell into a routine. She would spend Wednesday and Thursday evenings in the library as well as Sunday afternoons. Monday afternoons she tried to reserve for time with her friends, but would occasionally end up in the library. Ben Solo was always there, either fully immersed in his writing, or equally enthralled in a book. 

The first weekend of October brought a new adventure: Hogsmeade. Rey and the gang couldn't wait to walk to the little town Saturday morning, where they spent hours exploring the shops, picking out candy, and warming up in the Three Broomsticks. Rey had a minute amount of spending money to last her the year, and carefully picked out a chocolate frog at Honeydukes before following her friends across the street to the pub, where she lost a battle with Poe and finally accepted the butterbeer he insisted on buying her. 

They got back to the castle in time for a late lunch, after which Rey drifted outside and found a spot by the lake to sit. She pulled out her notebook to sketch but her surroundings failed to pique her interest. Instead she found her thoughts drifting back to a pair of hostile eyes. A masked expression that couldn't quite conceal the simmering resentment underneath. Rey studied his mannerisms in her mind's eye, growing ever more curious about what hidden secrets had Ben Solo so ready to fight the whole world. 

She absentmindedly started sketching, only realizing fifteen minutes later that she was immersed in capturing that defiant air about him. Mortified, she quickly pulled the sheet of paper off the pad, balling it up and stuffing it into the bottom of her backpack. Quickly packing up her things, she made her way back into the castle to go find some form of distraction in her common room. There had to be someone around wanting to play chess or gobstones, after all. 

Sunday afternoon found Rey long past the events of the day before and settling into her usual chair in the library, for once a book not on a required reading list in her hands. She got comfortable, slowly turning the pages of the fiction novel as she became surrounded by the imaginary world of the characters. 

“Why aren't you in Hogsmeade?” The grunted question almost cause Rey to drop her book, she was so startled by the suddenness of it. Her gaze jumped up to meet that of Ben Solo, who was staring intently at her from under a lock of hair falling over his forehead. 

“We uh, I went yesterday.” Rey held her breath, wondering at the reason for his questioning. The last time, and only other time, he'd spoken to her, he'd accused her of stalking him. She felt justified in her worry. The seconds ticked by, and eventually he grunted. Rey took that as his reply and bent her head back to her book, mirroring his movements as he refocused on his own. Every single thing he did just confused her more, yet here she found herself, sharing the quietude of the back corner of the library with him on a near constant basis. 

Nothing more was said, no more glances exchanged, for the rest of the afternoon. They eventually each went their own way before dinner, where Rey once again found herself slipping the encounter to the back of her mind in favor of chatting with Rose and one of their other housemates, Jannah, whom Rose had been getting to know better in Care of Magical Creatures. 

..............................

After the odd encounter of the first Hogsmeade weekend, everything in Rey's life stayed settled in a routine as the fall term wore on. Halloween was approaching, marked by the tangible excitement of the majority of the student body. A full Halloween celebration had become a new tradition in recent years, including the age-old feast but followed by a party in the Great Hall including sweets, music, and a costume contest judged by the teachers. Rey dreaded it more every year.

She was proud of herself, really, for staying positive and hopeful after the roughest years of her childhood. She got through having no friends, she got through consistently going to bed on an empty stomach, she got through the realization that she had no family and no one looking for her. But holidays? She abandoned her hopeful nature then. Every holiday had always been a reminder of her circumstances. Hearing classmates compare their candy haul after Halloween, wistfully describe their Christmas lists, gossip about who would be invited to their birthday parties, it all tore a hole in her that was wrenched open anew with each passing celebration. It was on these rare occasions that Rey allowed herself to mourn for the childhood she never had.

That didn't change once she got to Hogwarts. Despite the friends and sense of belonging she had discovered, every major celebration just made her want to escape and reflect in solitude, where she could let down the mask that she knew she'd have to wear if she were to join the celebrations. Her friends were as understanding as they could be, especially Finn, who knew acutely what she was feeling. They never pressured her to attend the festivities, instead promising to check in with her the next day.

This was how she found herself holed up in the library with an oversized blanket, a collection of snacks and drinks snuck out of the kitchen, and the book she was currently reading. She settled into her chair with a sigh, deciding to avoid thinking about the holiday at all and just get lost in her novel. She expected she could come close to finishing it that night with the number of hours she'd have of uninterrupted reading time. 

What she didn't expect was for Ben Solo to enter the library about 30 minutes later, head down, hands in his pockets, and lost in thought as he made a beeline for his table. Rey blinked in surprise as he came into view, sitting up and watching him glance habitually over to her chair. He clearly hadn't expected her to be there, visibly startling and stopping short. He just stared at her, wide eyes swirling with surprise and confusion. After a beat of silence, he slowly sat down, carefully sliding a book out of his bag as if trying not to disturb her.

She shouldn't have been shocked, really, that he also chose to avoid festive celebrations. She thought back, wondering why she hadn't seen him during her hideouts in the past. Shaking her head, she tried to focus back on her book, but the words were blurry in front of her eyes. She glanced back up, a tiny movement, trying to subtly look at him as if to confirm he was really there. 

He was staring at her, his book laying closed on the table in front of him. Her eyes met his wide open gaze, concern and curiosity warring within his warm brown irises. In the space of half a second, she watched his expression shutter, the soft emotions that had just been there covered by a hint of a challenge. She quickly averted her gaze, awkwardly trying to find her spot in her book. She heard pages rustle across from her.

It was easier than she expected, she thought, to get lost in the fiction before her. The cold shadow of the holiday seemed to lift its weight infinitesimally from her shoulders with the warm, steady presence of the library around her. 

Maybe an hour later, she heard his book close softly and she glanced up, expecting to find him packing up to leave. Instead, he was looking at her again. She swallowed tightly, wondering what he was thinking. If he was sizing her up. If she was found adequate.

“Why are you here?” The question was so low she barely caught it. She was astounded by how deep his voice was every time she heard him speak.

“I'm always here.” Her answer came out more challenging than she'd intended. She had a feeling she knew what he was trying to ask, and it immediately put her on edge. 

“Today. Now. Instead of the Great Hall.” He gestured aimlessly, appearing at a loss for words. She wondered at his lack of eloquence. He spent so much time writing that she assumed he would be more articulate. They sat there, eyes meeting, for close to a minute while Rey warred with herself. She felt compelled to answer him, yet afraid to give him any ammunition. She had a feeling he needed no such weaponry to break her, and she had no idea why.

Eventually the stalemate wore on him, and he turned back to his book, showing no reaction to her lack of answer. She followed suit, returning to her book. It took a few minutes to lose herself once again in the story as his question kept repeating in her head. 

Rey did finish her book, about half an hour before curfew. She started cleaning up the few snacks she'd quietly pulled out, managing to avoid angering the librarian. Yet she felt no need to leave yet, instead still rolling his question over and over in her mind. He seemed genuinely curious. There was no accusation in his inquisitiveness, she decided. 

“I've never celebrated a holiday.” She decided that was all she was willing to give. It was enough for him to make some assumptions, she knew, but she still held the secrets of her childhood to her chest.

His head snapped up, looking lost for a split second before the recognition passed over his face as he remembered what he'd asked. She felt his stare turn searching, as if he could find more answers written on her face. She didn't move. His eyes lowered back to his own book.

With a quiet exhale she changed her mind and grabbed her bag, exiting the library quietly and leaving Ben Solo to his reading. Rose and her other roommates weren't back yet, so she took her time getting ready for bed and was already under the covers by the time they made their return.

The next morning was Thursday so Rose and Rey had a free block before Defense, and Rey decided to spend it outside before the weather started really getting cold. At breakfast Rose had gifted her some sweets she'd swiped from the feast the night before, giving her something to nibble on while she walked along the shore of the lake. This weekend was a Hogsmeade weekend, and Rey thought she might get something for Rose as a thank you for the trouble she'd gone to. 

Rey meandered back to the castle, leaving plenty of time to get to class where she joined Rose outside the room and checked with her on their Hogsmeade plans for the coming weekend.

“I think we should wait and go in the afternoon once it's warmed up a little if you're good with that?” Rey hummed in agreement.

“Thanks, by the way, for grabbing me some desserts last night. You didn't have to.” Rose sent her a reassuring smile as the class before them let out. 

“Don't be silly, I didn't mind at all. You should get at least _something_ good out of the day. I just felt bad that I couldn't snag you any chocolate frogs, there didn't seem to be any.” Rey laughed as they entered the classroom, grinning at Rose.

“You know I will eat absolutely _anything_ though.” Their conversation cut off after that as the class started. Rey's smile lingered, grateful for the friends she had. They might now always understand her past, but they knew her and thought about her, and she couldn't ask for much more.

The weekend turned out to be freezing, and Rey and Rose along with the boys spent maybe an hour in Hogsmeade before rushing back, unable to feel any extremities. Rey did have time to pick up a few licorice wands for Rose, which she admonished Rey for spending her money on while one was currently in her mouth on the way back to the castle.

..............................

November sped by and before anyone realized, the grounds outside were dusted white and the temperatures in the dungeons dropped precipitously. December brought both anxiety and excitement for the student body, as mid-term exams loomed before the winter break. Unfortunately for Rey, this just meant double the anxiety. She always stayed at the castle for the winter break, not having any desire to return to London. It was hard to go several weeks by herself, but she had the comfort and familiarity of the castle around her, company in the teachers, and the chance to read to her heart's content.

The week before exams Rose started joining Rey in the library. Rey was already set up with her materials on Monday afternoon, slouched in her armchair with Ben Solo at his usual spot at the table nearby when Rose strode in, perching herself on the arm of Rey's chair where they huddled together over piles of notes. Less than an hour later, Finn and Poe came in to drag them off to the Great Hall, a much better place than the stuffy library to study, in their opinion. Rey felt a pair of eyes on her back as she grabbed her things and left prematurely. 

Tuesday evening, however, when she and Rose made it to the library, she found the table empty and her singular chair occupied. She paused before sitting down, feeling the need to say something, but Rose's presence held her back. For all they talked about and shared, she had still yet to mention whatever it was she and Ben Solo shared. She peeked over at him, catching him watching her from beneath his eyelashes. He stiffened slightly when she met his gaze, then he nodded, so slight she almost thought she imagined it. A half-smile pulled at her lips and she grabbed a seat next to Rose before her friend noticed the exchange. 

The trend continued the rest of the week, the table always left unoccupied as Ben Solo took over Rey's chair. Neither of them said a word.

Exams went well for all in the group, although Rose and Rey were suspicious that their definition of “well” was not the same one Poe and Finn used. Regardless, the days slipped by and before they knew it the majority of the school was packing to go home for two weeks. As always, Rose had offered for Rey to come home with her and Paige, but Rey politely declined, her feelings that she was imposing rising and making themselves known. She knew logically this was ridiculous, but she still preferred to stay in the castle to trying to navigate a holiday she didn't even want to celebrate with a family that was not hers, try as they might to include her. 

The one difference this year, she contemplated, would be the lack of company in the library. She had grown used to Ben Solo's constant presence through the fall term and found herself dreading spending her days there without him over the break. They had only actually spoken to each other a handful of times, but there was a silent harmony she could feel between them every evening they spent in each other's presence, focused on their own tasks.

Rey joined Rose in the Entrance Hall to say goodbye to her as well as Poe and Finn, both of whom were going to Poe's home for the break. Paige quickly appeared to give her a hug as well before departing, and then everyone was gone. A smattering of other students had stayed, mostly older years who were already focused on spring exams and future careers. The only other occupants of the castle left were the teachers.

She retired to the library, already thinking about sinking into the newest novel by her favorite author. She would give herself a day or two before starting on her homework, she decided. After that was done, she had plans to continue her research on the varying careers available to her going forward. It wasn't an imminent worry, but she enjoyed using some downtime to dream about how her life might look after she graduated and was a fully-fledged member of her new world. 

“Not going home again, Rey?” She snapped her head up, having been lost in thought as she made her way towards the library, to see Professor Snape standing in front of her, one eyebrow raised in question. 

“Uh, no sir. I don't like the holidays very much.” Her eyes flicked down, not wanting the astute professor to keep digging. Of course the teachers knew the basics from her school file, but she wasn't keen on giving up any more information.

“Hmmm. Come to my office after breakfast on Monday.” At that he turned and strode away, leaving a flabbergasted Rey in his wake. What the hell could she be in trouble for? She continued on to the library muttering under her breath about teachers with too much time on their hands. At least she had a few days until she had to deal with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Rey has no idea what to do with the brooding fool who won't stop looking at her.  
> A bigger role for Snape coming up!! I absolutely adore him, he's by far my favorite HP character and I was devastated when he died. So here he is making what might turn out to be a significant appearance because I can't help myself! I promise, we'll be hearing a little more about Ben in the next few chapters. I almost decided to write one from his point of view to fill in some background, but I love the idea of everyone reading finding out his deal at the same time as Rey, so patience it is!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew here we are, chapter 5. I still have no idea how accurate the 25 chapter estimate is, only time will tell. The plot with Rey and Ben will staaaart to pick up soon, but it's still a slowslowslowslow burn. For now, hope you enjoy!

The first two days of break were peacefully whiled away until Rey realized it might be a good idea to get her Potions assignment done before her mysterious meeting with Professor Snape the next morning. After lunch on Sunday, she ran back to her room to collect her supplies and then set up camp at the table in the library, ready to knock out the essay in the next few hours. 

By dinner she was satisfied, if not thrilled with the attempt. She could always go back and add to it over the next few days, but in case he asked about it in the morning, she felt prepared.

Monday morning found Rey knocking on Professor Snape's office door at the conclusion of breakfast. The door was promptly swung open and she entered the office, standing in front of the cluttered desk and continuing to wonder why she was there.

“Sit down.” Rey dropped into a seat facing the desk, picking at her fingernails as she did so. Then she waited.

“It occurs to me you do not particularly enjoy your time away from the school.” Whatever Rey was expecting, it wasn't that. She nodded slowly, bewildered.

“You are not the only person in this school who has had the misfortune of a less-than-pleasant home life, Rey.” She sat still, not sure if she was supposed to answer.

“I spend the afternoons during break brewing for the infirmary, every day excepting Christmas Day. My door is open to you, should you wish to assist or request help with your studies.” Rey continued to sit frozen, her hands still in her lap now as she peered at her professor who was now hunched over, reading through a poorly scribbled essay. 

“Dismissed.” She stood up from the chair, narrowing her eyes slightly as she continued to stare at the thoroughly unaffected teacher, before leaving the office and closing the door behind her. 

Rey wandered down the hall, beyond bewildered by the conversation. She thought back over Snape's words, her pulse increasing. How much did the teachers actually know about her life outside Hogwarts? It wasn't that she was ashamed. It was more so that she didn't want her past to keep interfering in her future. This world was a chance to start over that she never imagined she'd get, and her optimistic nature kept her focused on where she was going, not where she had been. She wouldn't know what to do if her childhood continued to haunt her in the magical world.

Needing to think about something else, she returned to the library. The place had always been a sanctuary for her, but it seemed to be even more so this year. She loved spending her time in the quiet, dusty corner of the room, well-worn carpeting and endless rows of books dulling the ambient noise and soothing the senses. 

She entered the room, breathing deep as the smell of ancient parchment and worn maple assaulted her. She settled into her chair with an encyclopedia of magical creatures, but her thoughts inevitably strayed back to Snape's offer. Maybe she should drop by, at least see if he was serious. Maybe he'd actually give her some pointers on homework. Somehow, she doubted that. 

Determined to push the meeting to the back of her mind, Rey doubled her efforts to concentrate on the book, eventually succeeding and getting immersed in its pages. She didn't put it down until lunchtime.

Rey thought about setting up in her common room in the afternoon, but the peace of the library was too big of a draw, and she found herself back there at the conclusion of lunch, organizing class materials and starting to work her way through the multitude of assignments set over break. She spread out her materials on her old table, the one Ben Solo always occupied now. She wondered how his break way going. If he was enjoying the time with family. If he was as on edge as he always was at school. 

She pictured him in her mind's eye, sitting hunched over in a festively decorated living room, one hand tapping an annoyed staccato on his thigh while he glared at everyone in attendance severely enough to start small fires. She snorted. She absolutely could not imagine Ben Solo and Christmas coexisting. 

The thought lingered, though. The hunched shoulders that were broad enough to take up half of a standard couch. The long legs that would stretch out in front of him, making even the most generous piece of furniture appear small. The wrinkle over his brow as he scowled out from under luxurious locks of raven hair, the ends just curling about his angular face. 

_No._ Absolutely not. She was not going there. Time to go get some air.

Rey found herself in the library more often than not during the first week of the holidays. Her class assignments slipped by with surprising ease and by Christmas Eve, everything was complete and she was free to read and research as she pleased. She resolved to take a break from the library on Christmas Day, planning to spend it outside instead. 

That evening, Rey found herself in the owlery with a handful of small parcels to distribute. She'd snagged another few licorice wands for Rose during the last Hogsmeade visit before the break, which she wrapped up securely and sent off. Poe and Finn each received a few vouchers for essay proofreading. This had immediately become a tradition in first year when Rey had no way to buy gifts. The two had been over the moon at the idea of being able to ask her to read through essays. 

The gifts were reciprocated in the morning, a few packages appearing at the end of Rey's bed overnight. She tore the first open, finding a brand new sketchpad from Rose. The paper was thick and sturdy, and Rey ran her fingers over it, blinking back a few tears as she smiled. The next package was from Paige, and included a small set of charcoal pencils, obviously meant to go with Rose's gift. The smile on Rey's face grew even wider.

The next one was from Finn. Rey tore open the lumpy package to find a scarf all in yellow with her name embroidered on it. Rey gasped, hugging the fuzzy material to her. So few of the items in Rey's life truly belonged to her. Her robes were secondhand, as were her books, and most of her muggle clothes. The things she had gotten new were items off the Hogwarts list that had been covered by a scholarship from Hogwarts, or something like that. Rey hadn't gotten all the details from Professor McGonagall as an eleven year-old. It was one thing to receive possessions via a scholarship or school tuition or what, but it was another to have a gift like this, personalized, that was completely her own. She couldn't imagine how Finn had managed to get this for her, but she knew he understood what it would mean. She couldn't wait to see him when he got back and crush him into a hug. 

The last package, from Poe who had, of course, forgotten to write his name on it, contained a box of a dozen chocolate frogs. Her jaw dropped at the sheer amount of chocolate inside. Her friends had absolutely outdone themselves. Half of her wanted to beg them never to do so again, knowing she couldn't afford to reciprocate in a way that seemed close to fair. The other half cherished the fact that they already knew this, and didn't care. 

She wanted nothing to do with the Christmas dinner in the afternoon, instead sneaking into the kitchens and requesting a packed picnic she could take with her out onto the grounds. A small basket accompanied her out the doors of the Entrance Hall, where she was immediately grateful she knew how to cast a basic warming charm. Protected from the chill, she set off toward the lake to take in the stark beauty of the winter day. 

As she munched on the food in the basket, propped up under a willow tree near the shore of the lake, Rey returned to her conversation with Professor Snape. She wondered if he might have advice or ideas for her career dilemma. It seemed like something she really needed to at least have some inkling of at this point. On the one hand, she was just thirteen, and should have plenty of time. On the other, so many of her fellow classmates already knew what they wanted to do. Plus, she would legally be an adult a year earlier here in the wizarding world. Sure, she'd still have her seventh year to complete once she turned seventeen, but the combination of the age of majority being one year lower coupled with her late introduction to the world in general as a muggleborn, Rey felt rather behind the curve. She resolved to stop by Snape's classroom tomorrow and hopefully live to tell the tale.

Rey returned to the castle undisturbed early in the evening. This was the third year now that she'd followed the tradition of disappearing for the entirety of Christmas Day, so none of the teachers made a point of finding her or asking about it. 

It was Friday morning and Rey was trying to convince herself it wasn't a terrible idea to pay Professor Snape a visit after breakfast. It wasn't that she disliked him. She thoroughly enjoyed the subject of Potions, and didn't mind the teacher. He just never gave the impression that he liked his students, or was in any way attached to their continued health and well-being. Therefore, it was with great trepidation that she knocked on his classroom door about an hour later.

The door swung open after a moment, and Rey tentatively stepped forward, as if exploring a great ancient lair with booby-trapped floors a la Indiana Jones. Snape was seated at his desk, a small timer suspended over a cauldron at the work table closest to him. She glanced at him, making eye contact with the impatient stare directed her way. She gulped.

Snape continued to watch her in silence as she slid into a seat near the front of the room.

“Uh, Professor, I – that is to say, well, you – um...” Rey trailed off from her ramblings as the eyebrow raised at her climbed ever higher.

“Go on.” The tone sounded amused, as if he was trying not to laugh at her predicament. Bastard.

“Well, I decided to take you up on your offer...” She trailed off again, unsure how to spit it out.

“Clearly.” At this, Rey nearly rolled her eyes. Of course he'd extend the invitation then be a complete prick about it when she took him at his word.

“I have no idea what I want to do. After school. When I'm done.” Rey blurted the words out, trying to climb out of the hole she'd started digging for herself as soon as she'd walked in the door. 

“You realize Rey, you're only halfway through your third year.” At this point Snape sounded more curious than anything. 

“I feel like I barely know anything about magic. Most of my classmates at least have a clue what they like and what direction they want to focus on. I just feel like I'm missing so much.” She folded her hands in her lap, trying to not pick her nails or bite her lip. It felt weird to be admitting this out loud. 

Snape steepled his hands, continuing to stare at her. The blasted eyebrow finally relaxed and he sighed.

“It can be difficult, coming from the muggle world. You miss out on the mundane uses of magic that normalize it. Every facet of it can seem so overwhelming and meaningful that you romanticize its use, if you will.” 

Rey thought through his words. It made an incredible amount of sense. She still laughed in delight every time she used a spell in her everyday life, while her roommates threw around magic like it was old socks. Then the hidden meaning of his words hit her.

“Are you a muggleborn too, sir?” Rey regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. 

Snape didn't react immediately. He sat completely still, staring at her as if to read her intentions. 

“No. But my... father... did not like magic. A muggle. My mother and I were... not allowed to use it.” His eyes grew distant for a second before hardening, and he stood up to go check on the cauldron whose timer was about to go off. 

“I had the misfortune of seeing the side of muggles that wizards are afraid of. It is quite common. I'm afraid many of my fellow professors are... unaware of the effects of this type of upbringing.” His backed was turned to her now, and he seemed more willing to talk this way. Rey wondered just how bad it had been for her professor. The extent of what she'd heard about him was that he was a spy for the legendary wizard Dumbledore, and the war would have been lost without him. It seemed that was not all there was to him.

“Is that why you... why you brought this all up?” Rey stayed where she was, choosing to speak to the room at large.

“Yes. I will absolutely not name names, but you are not the only one who has dealt with this type of treatment.” Rey fiddled with her hands, not sure how much she wanted to disclose.

“It's... it's not because I'm a witch, sir. The orphanage I was raised at... it's the same for everyone. I don't know if they can't afford any of it, or if they just don't care.” Rey was whispering by the end of her words. Snape's hands stayed steady over the cauldron.

“Can't afford any of what, Rey?” 

“Clothes. Food. Anything.” Rey was still whispering. 

“I see.” Snape's voice was quieter now. “I think you should find a time once a week when you can meet with me for advising. Or tutoring, or as an ear. Whatever the week requires.”

Rey hesitated before responding. Would talking about her childhood bring it too close to where she was now? Or was it possible she desperately needed this? She let out a breath.

“Okay. I'll find a time and let you know.” 

“Good.” At this, Snape disappeared into the supply closet in the back of the room and Rey took it as her dismissal. She retreated to the library, mind reeling.

Try as she might, Rey could not reconcile this Snape with the one in class. He seemed like the last professor in the school who would take on the role of, well, counselor, and yet that seemed to be exactly what this was. She blew out an unsteady breath. Maybe it would be good to get some things off her chest. And if not, she'd cancel their meetings.

Pulling out her schedule, she scanned through her open blocks and thought about her evenings. She didn't really want to lose her Monday afternoons off with her friends, but it seemed like the best time because it was so early in the week. By Wednesday and Thursday evenings she was swamped with work in the library, and although losing some hours with Rose, Finn, and Poe wasn't ideal, she did get to spend most of the weekend with them. Having sorted out that plan, Rey perused the shelves of the library, choosing a small text claiming to be a handbook of basic wizarding law. It seemed like a promising resource if she wanted to learn more about careers available.

Rey detoured to the head table as she entered the Great Hall, spotting Snape sitting at his usual far end in front of the Slytherin table. He turned to face her as she approached, and she quickly suggested last period on Monday. He pursed his lips, appearing deep in thought.

“I have a class that goes the entire afternoon, but I am available immediately afterward to meet in my office.”

Rey nodded in acquiescence before proceeding to the Hufflepuff table, where a first year boy looked at her with wide eyes, gasping in amazement about her speaking to professor Snape willingly. She huffed a laugh.

“He's not that bad, you know. He seems mean, but he just thinks it's funny to be dramatic and scare people.” Rey winked at the boy, who nodded seriously. 

“My friends think he's scary too but I'll tell them he's just trying to be funny.” The conviction in his voice immediately made Rey realize she probably should have gone for a middle ground. She could just picture the first year Hufflepuffs showing up and giggling when Snape swept his robes around himself in the middle of his next tirade. Oh, she was so dead. 

That evening, Rey ensconced herself in her dorm room with the wizarding law book she'd checked out and a chocolate frog from her Christmas stash. She couldn't put her finger on it, but the castle felt a little lighter around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few things I want to explain. I felt like in the movies, Rey was absolutely missing a mentor figure. She desperately wanted it to be Luke, and he basically refused. With her past, I think it's important that she have that. Enter Snape. I read a ton of Harry Potter fics as well, and one of my favorite plots/dynamics is Snape becoming a mentor/father figure type to Harry, who I think was another character who desperately needed someone in that role. And thanks to the crossover, I'm kind of fixing both at once here. Snape will continue to have a pretty decent role going forward, but once I kind of explain/settle their dynamic there will be less detail there, and we'll also be getting into more Ben/Rey so I'll shift the focus. This storyline with Snape WILL be important both in her own story going forward and in Rey and Ben's relationship. Aka, no spoilers but Ben is all kinds of fucked up right now, and at least one of them needs to have a handle on life.  
> As far as Rey's own story, I also want to explore something I took from The Last Jedi, which is the "let the past die/kill it if you have to" theme. I think that applies to Rey just as strongly as it does Ben in the movies, so I'm kind of translating it here with her trying to leave her childhood behind in favor of the wizarding world. Enough of my authory ramblings for now! I look forward to any comments/questions :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys - Breaking News - they're TALKING. Don't worry, we'll soon jump into drama and angst. You didn't think this was going to be smooth sailing, did you?? 
> 
> You may have noticed the chapter count went from 25 to 35. This is still an estimate, but I've now fully outlined through Ch 11 and that takes place a whole 3 1/2 weeks after this chapter. So I'm gonna guess we'll be here a while lol. Anyways, enjoy.

Rey nearly lived in the library throughout the next week, impatient for everyone to get back and for classes to start up again. That wasn't to say she missed the work load, but the lack of consistent schedule right now left the days dragging by. 

She spent a good majority of her time reading various books that caught her eye, some dealing with subjects of study and others going into excruciating detail about the inner workings of the banking industry, the Ministry, and other major career tracks. 

She spent the rest experimenting with her new drawing supplies. The charcoal pencils felt luxurious, creating rich shadows and depth that she had never been able to achieve with a standard graphite school pencil. She played with various techniques, learning what worked best depending on the mood she was trying to achieve. 

Twice she almost pulled out the scrunched up parchment at the bottom of her bag, the temptation to recreate the angular face wearing on her. She could picture him clear as day, the hardened eyes whispering hints of pain and torment in their past. The full lips so often pinched together, only relaxing when he let his guard down, engrossed in a book open before him. 

She was desperate to learn what lay beyond the coarse exterior. She _had_ to know him. 

Unsure if she was meant to start meeting with him this week, Rey appeared outside Snape's classroom after lunch on Monday. She sat down up front upon his letting her in and proceeded to wring her hands together.

“I'm not sure what I should talk about.” The quiet admission caused Snape to put down the quill he had been using to liberally mark a stack of papers in front of him.

“Let's start with something easy. You say you are worried because you do not know what your professional aspirations are. Let's start there.” He paused, and she waited, unsure if she was supposed to answer.

“Start with the most basic of questions. What subjects do you enjoy the most?” She paused before answering, wondering how quickly he would become frustrated.

“Honestly? Pretty much everything. Everything about magic is brilliant.” Snape's lips quirked into a small smile at this, a startling change from his usual expressions.

“Well then maybe you stop focusing on jobs that revolve around a particular brand of magic. There are plenty of occupations that parallel muggle jobs, they just happen to be in the magical world. Just like muggles, we have need for shopkeepers, cooks, salespeople, teachers, the list goes on.” 

Rey blinked.

The concept seemed obvious, once she thought about it. Huh. A short bark of laughter interrupted her musings.

“How long have you been panicking about this?” The amusement in Snape's voice was clear.

“Uh, like a year.” She peeked up at him as she answered sheepishly, almost immediately cracking a grin as she tried valiantly not to laugh. Snape sobered up, placing his hands flat on his desk as he studied her.

“Obviously this isn't a solution to all of your worries. However, I hope this demonstrates to you why it's important to let your professors help you. We are, in fact, good for something.” The last sentence was laced with dry sarcasm and he raised an eyebrow.

“Now, get out of my sight, I have work to do. Until next week.” Rey jumped up to leave barely five minutes after arriving and nearly ran for her dormitory where she'd left her bag. She had a lot of thinking to do. 

…...........................

Rose melt Rey in a fierce hug in the Entrance Hall, the accompanying shout making her laugh.

“I missed you too! It's always so weird and empty with everyone gone!” Rey got caught up in Rose's enthusiasm as Poe and Finn joined in on the reunion. The boys each gave her a quick hug, and the four immediately left the hall to find an empty room where they could catch up.

Before they could even get settled, Rey was thanking them profusely for their gifts. To her embarrassment, she felt tears forming as she turned to Finn.

“I don't even know what to say, Finn. I...” He smiled knowingly, putting his hand on her arm.

“It's okay. You don't have to explain.” And that was the beauty of having him as a friend, wasn't it? She really didn't have to explain.

“I can't wait to show you the drawings I've been working on,” Rey exclaimed, turning to Rose. “I have to find Paige later to thank her too!”

“Uh, that reminds me. Sorry for the wait.” Poe shuffled around behind her, holding out a small envelope with her name written on it. Her brow furrowed, confused. 

“Your present.” He grimaced slightly. “I didn't have everything lined up in time for Christmas, sorry.” 

Curious, Rey tore open the packaging, pulling out what looked like some sort of invitation. She glanced at Poe, confused.

“It's for a tour of the Ministry. I figured you'd never been, and you're nervous about what you're going to do, so...” Poe was cut off as Rey threw her arms around him, beaming. 

“This is amazing, thank you. I can't wait to go.” Poe shrugged off her praise, mumbling something about his family members who worked there and it being no big deal. Rey smiled, recognizing his embarrassment and deciding to let him off the hook.

The four of them got caught up in talking about all their gifts for each other, the proofreading coupons from Rey just as big a hit as ever. Gryffindors, Rey thought. Always so predictable.

Having spent Sunday afternoon with the boys, Rey and Rose headed back to their common room after dinner. Rey decided to bring up her unexpected meetings with Snape. 

“I don't know, it kind of feels like he's my mentor, or something? I've only met with him the once so far.” Rose had listened with rapt attention as Rey had filled her in.

“Wow, that's not what I would have expected from him, but that sounds great, Rey. I'm glad you have someone to go to. Of course I'm always here, but it's different. Everyone should have at least one person they can go to for advice, or whatever else.” Rose's softly spoken words warmed Rey. She was right. Even having only officially met with Snape once, Rey was looking forward to getting some of her fears and insecurities off her chest. Maybe this really would be good for her.

…...........................

Monday brought an abrupt start to classes, copious amounts of homework being handed in and none of the professors appearing to ease into the spring term. Rey groaned as she realized she was supposed to go to Snape's office instead of escaping to the library. She really wanted to get a start on what appeared to be an impossible Defense assignment.

Instead, she ended up waiting outside Snape's office, just down the hall from his classroom as the last few minutes of the period ticked by. Students suddenly poured out of the classroom and the office door swung open in front of her, revealing a thoroughly irritated Potions professor. Rey wondered how likely it was this meeting would end in personal injury.

The door slammed behind her after she entered, making her jump slightly as she took a seat. She glanced up, watching her professor lower his head nearly to the desk, his fingers massaging his temples. Apparently the first day back was just as horrid for the professors as it was for the students. 

The meeting went much more smoothly than Rey would have expected. She had found herself rambling about her first year at Hogwarts, the effect the drastic change in environment had had on her and her awe and amazement at everything she discovered. She wasn't sure if this was what she should be talking about, but Snape made no move to stop her, only occasionally making a comment and encouraging her to elaborate.

She left his office half an hour later, immediately following a familiar path to the library. She had about two hours left before dinner and she planned to use every minute on her studies before the wrath of the next four days rained down upon her.

Ben Solo was already in his regular seat when Rey arrived. Her lips quirked in a facsimile of a smile at the sight as she took her own seat.

“You're alive.” The rough tone of his voice implied he hadn't been talking much throughout the day. 

“Uhh... yeah?” Confusion bled into her voice. 

“Saw you outside Snape's office.”

“Oh.” She laughed lightly, remembering that he was in the Potions class that had let out while she was waiting. “Nothing bad. He's just helping me with something.” 

This answer seemed to satisfy him, as he returned to the parchment in front of him. Rey decided to attempt to keep the conversation going today. If it could be called a conversation.

“He's been giving me advice on some career stuff.” 

No response.

“How was your Christmas?” Immediately, Rey realized she'd brought up the wrong topic. His shoulders tensed and he stopped writing, lifting his chin minutely so she could just catch his stare, flinching inwardly at the daggers in his eyes.

“As shitty as it always is. Can I get back to work now?” She could see the muscles in his jaw jumping, his lower eyelid twitching. She recoiled at his words, choosing to go back to her assignment rather than answer.

The air felt thick and she couldn't relax as she usually did. She could hear Ben Solo's quill scratching away as he abused the parchment before him with his hurried script. His shoulders hadn't lost their tension and she thought it apt that the first commonality she discovered was the thing to create this invisible wall between them.

It wasn't until some time later that her ears picked up on the ceasing of his quill.

“Sorry.” The muttered word drifted across the library as a peace offering.

“I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject.” She took the offering, and in turn gave it back to him. She wanted to say more, to say that she understood. She wished she knew if it would be a welcome sentiment.

“I'd rather just stay here for the break.” Her eyebrow raised of its own accord as she wondered what his situation at home was like. He'd always seemed fairly well-off.

“Why don't you? It's quiet and peaceful and there's basically no one around.” Her voice was light, curious, which was why it seemed strange to her when his head snapped up fast enough to cause whiplash.

“You stayed here?” There was a tone of shock to his voice. 

“I always do.” she wasn't sure what had compelled her to share this with him. She didn't actively keep her upbringing a secret, but it definitely wasn't common knowledge. Something in her gut told her this conversation wouldn't leave this room, though.

The sound of papers shuffling on the wooden table had her eyes rising to meet his as he awkwardly pushed them to the side to rest his forearms on the surface. His hands were clasped together, his fingers being wrung in a sign of awkward tension. She waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts.

“You – you don't celebrate Christmas at all? No big dinner, no gifts, nothing?” His tone didn't sound accusatory or disbelieving. He almost gave off an air of bashfulness, though she must be imagining it.

“Not really? I skip the feast and just kind of ignore the actual Christmas Day and all that, but my friends and I do do gifts. I've never been into celebrating in the traditional sense.” She shrugged. He already knew this, really. She'd told him on Halloween she didn't celebrate holidays. 

“Huh.” He appeared deep in thought, leading Rey to think that this was the end of the discussion. Looking at her watch, she figured she may as well head back to her common room for a few minutes before dinner. By the time she'd packed up and left the library, Ben Solo still hadn't moved.

…...........................

Wednesday evening Rey was back in the library, seriously suspecting that she should just move her bed here as well if this first week back was any indication of the rest of the year. She didn't remember the work load increasing this drastically in either of her first two years. She had a sinking feeling that it would only get worse from here on out.

She was already deep into an essay explaining why exactly her Shrinking Solution had imploded to the point that it resembled a muggle rubber ball in Potions that morning when a throat cleared nearby. She looked up to see Ben Solo once again leaned forward, elbows resting on the table, to look at her. 

“You're a third-year.” 

She was really hoping his conversational skills would improve at some point.

“...Yes.” 

“Why are you already getting advising on career choices? They usually do that in fifth year.” 

She startled. From their incredibly brief interactions, she was beginning to realize Ben Solo never forgot a single detail. 

“I'm just nervous, I guess.” He hummed in response, his fingers tapping lightly on the table. She waited.

“You're muggleborn?” Rey glanced up with eyes narrowed. The question seemed innocuous enough. 

“I think – yeah.” She watched his face morph into mild surprise before settling again. She cursed inwardly. He clearly didn't know she was an orphan, and she wasn't willing to give that information away right now. 

He didn't answer, instead turning back to his work. They didn't talk again the rest of the evening. 

They didn't talk again that week, actually. Rey barely got any work done Thursday night as she waited for the husky tenor to invite her into another bewildering conversation. It never came.

She left the library just before curfew, half of one assignment done and feeling oddly disappointed. 

The weekend turned out to be about as productive as her Thursday night had been, thanks to lingering thoughts of abrupt questions and one-word answers in the library. He never spoke about himself. Almost every time he'd opened his mouth it was to ask her something. The only things she knew about him were his year, his name, and that lately he had spent entirely too much time living in her thoughts.

Oh, and that he apparently hated Christmas. She'd make sure not to forget that.

She wondered if he'd clam up if she asked him about himself. She desperately wanted to know more. Every word he spoke to her made her more certain that there was more to the bitterness in his eyes than he was willing to let on. 

Rey had loved learning about new things since the day she was introduced to the wizarding world. She even liked History of Magic, when she wasn't being lulled to sleep by a ghost. Every subject she came across became a new world to dive into, to search for the whats and the whys and the hows. And now, her subject was Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I really wanna know what happened in that potions class for both her and Ben to be surprised she survived her meeting.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, wow. Guys, I am so in love with this chapter. It took on a life of its own and veered off from what I had planned, and I'm so glad it did. It's possible I teared up a time or two writing it. I can't wait for you all to read it.

Rey strode into the library Sunday afternoon with an air of determination about her. She was absolutely sure she could get Ben Solo to open up. 

That determination started to ebb almost immediately upon his entry when he slid into his usual seat and promptly put his head into his hands and growled. Maybe not today. 

She grinned. Or maybe, this was the opening she needed.

“Everything okay?” She decided for his tactic of keeping it short and to-the point.

“Fine.” The muffled word was nearly snapped and she smiled softly, recognizing the feeling.

“Which class?” His head lifted out of his hands and his eyes made contact with hers, their tired depths screaming of aggravation.

“What?” 

“Which class is about to make you quit school and go live off the land in the Forbidden Forest?” 

He tried to hold a straight face, but she saw the moment he cracked and a wry grin took over his features. It was more of a grimace, to be honest. The sheer exhaustion was evident.

“All of the above. But at this particular moment, I'm mostly worried about McGonagall turning me into a ferret if I can't get the hang of this spell.” She was speechless for a second, having never heard him string so many words together. 

In lieu of answering, she put her own work to the side and stood up, approaching his table like one would a spooked animal. She craned her neck, trying to decipher the upside-down notes. On the other side of the table, he stiffened. She watched his face shutter, and his jaw tense, but not before a flash of wariness took over his eyes. 

“What spell are you working on?” She murmured the question quietly and gently spun his parchments around so she could read the notes on the open page. At her movement, his hand jerked forward as if to pull the notes back, but he stopped himself, watching her closely with slightly flared nostrils.

She wanted to reassure him that she meant no harm. By the look in his eyes he was trying valiantly to conceal, she suspected she could grab his belongings and tear them into pieces and he wouldn't be surprised. Something told her any reassurances she offered would cause him to retreat in on himself even more, so she ignored his reaction for now.

“Evanesco. Never heard of it.” She looked up, grinning ruefully at him as he studied her face. She maintained eye contact, not sure what he was looking for but exhaling softly when he seemed to find it, his jaw working slightly now. She pushed his notes back toward him and raised her eyebrow in expectation. 

“It-” His voice cracked softly and he cleared his throat, his eyes now riveted to the table before him. “It's the Vanishing spell.” He turned his notes back around, trying to end the conversation. Pushing him didn't seem to be the way forward, so Rey backed away, settling herself in her chair before looking back up to where he was frowning at the parchments in front of him, willing them to provide the answers he needed.

“Vanishing spell. How does it work?” She had no information to give him that would help, but maybe explaining it to her would help disentangle his thoughts.

He looked up slowly, considering her words for a second before answering, the tension in his shoulders all but gone now. She suspected it was thanks to the distance she'd put between them. 

“It's a spell that can be used to make almost any object disappear. The theory is that the object 'goes into non-being, which is to say, everything...'” He trailed off, the frown deepening. “It makes sense on a theoretical level, but whenever I try it, I can't fully complete it. I get stuck thinking of it like the Banishing charm and I try to send it to a place that exists.” 

Rey listened attentively as he explained to her, surprised by the lack of frustration evident in his voice. He was emotionless, analytical. She decided to throw out a suggestion.

“Do you know anything about muggle science?” Her question pulled him out of his musings as the frown dropped off his face and be shook his head. “Look into muggle physics. Atoms and molecules, specifically.” 

His brow wrinkled in obvious confusion so she got to her feet and roamed toward the muggle studies section of the library, wondering if there would be anything useful. Running her finger down the spines, she saw an advanced text claiming to be a basic introduction to the different branches of science. A quick thumb through the pages revealed chapters on molecules, atoms, the four fundamental forces, and elements. This would be more than enough for what he needed, if she was right.

She tucked the book under her arm and turned around, startling at the sight of him a few paces behind her, his head cocked to the side as he watched her. The curiosity in his eye outshone the wariness and she felt her heart warm up. She understood that curiosity. 

“Here. Chapter eight. ” He took the book from her, staring at the cover. Feeling awkward just standing between the stacks, Rey hurried back to her seat where she continued brainstorming horrible ways to die for her Divination assignment. 

She had just finished explaining in great detail how a school owl would be the cause of her demise in the next week when she heard low murmuring from Ben Solo's table. She glanced over to see him buried in the book she'd picked, the furrow over his brow pronounced as he talked to himself.

“I don't know if that will help, the non-being thing just -” 

“This is _brilliant _.” The awe was dripping from his voice as he peered up at her though the messy hair he'd clearly been running his hands through. Her heart skipped at his tone. She'd be examining _that _later.____

____“I don't know a whole lot about it, but the general idea of atoms and building blocks seemed to match what you were talking about and I figured it would come pretty easily to you.” She watched in fascination as his cheeks took on the barest hints of pink at her statement._ _ _ _

____He shook his head and pulled out his wand, looking around furtively as he did so. Once he seemed sure they wouldn't be interrupted, he pulled a half-empty bottle of ink out of his bag and flicked his wand at it, murmuring an incantation she couldn't catch. The bottle morphed smoothly into a mouse, which he quickly immobilized. Rey's jaw dropped at the effortless magic. She was pretty sure that wasn't just the result of two extra years of school. He was... really good._ _ _ _

____He took a deep breath before flicking his wand once again, the low mutter of “ _Evanesco _” reaching her ears as the mouse seemed to fade into thin air. He didn't move. He stared where the mouse had been. Then he looked up. The smile on his face was blinding, dimples marking his cheeks and years of torment melting off his features. She couldn't help but smile back.___ _ _ _

______The moment broke, the rest of the library reappearing in her periphery from where it had ceased to exist around them. The smile slowly faded from his face, replaced by intense concentration as he pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and began to write, presumably recording his progress with the spell. Rey watched a moment more before returning to her Divination work._ _ _ _ _ _

______The silence persisted as the rest of the afternoon passed in easy contentment. Rey began packing up to leave about half an hour before dinner but was stopped by his voice._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thanks. Just let me know when you want help.” The rough edges of his voice had returned._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Huh?” She wracked her brains, trying to remember what she'd asked for his assistance with. Nothing came to mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I owe you for your help today. I'll make it up to you.” His face remained serious; there was no lightness to his tone. She could tell she was gaping at him, but she was unable to do anything about it. What in the world was he on about?_ _ _ _ _ _

______“What? You don't owe me anything.” Had he ever received help from anyone before?_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I didn't mean for you to think you had to. I'm sorry.” No. He very clearly had not ever received help._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Don't be sorry. It was freely offered.” A shadow crossed his face at this, and she suspected that he had no idea what to do with kindness. He finally seemed out of arguments, so she hoisted her bag and made for the library entrance._ _ _ _ _ _

______His low voice washed over her as she walked away._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Nothing's ever free.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______…..........................._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ben Solo's words continued to haunt her the next day, the conviction with which they were uttered settling like a stone in her gut. She was still replaying them in her mind as she took a seat in Snape's office, his piercing eyes tracking her every move._ _ _ _ _ _

______“What is it that's on your mind, Rey?” She swallowed hard._ _ _ _ _ _

______“How do you convince someone that you're offering to help them because you want to, not because you want a favor?” Snape seemed taken aback by her question, his eyebrows reaching toward his forehead as he contemplated her words. He rubbed his temples and sighed, glancing down at his desk temporarily before meeting her gaze once more with a sad smile on his lips._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I'm sure you are aware that there are certain parts of society who only operate transactionally.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Her confusion must have been evident, as he lifted his hand to gesticulate, searching for words._ _ _ _ _ _

______“People who never do anything selflessly. They expect to be repaid in some way for every thing they do for another person. Surely you must have seen this when you were younger.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Rey's expression smoothed slightly as she nodded, understanding what he was talking about. The creeps on the streets of London who would offer to buy her a meal, shoes, a jacket... if she would go with them._ _ _ _ _ _

______“But most people aren't like that. Just because they're out there doesn't mean anyone should assume everyone's like that.” That sad smile was back._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're more optimistic than many. My advice? Just keep offering.” Rey nodded, silent._ _ _ _ _ _

______The sounds of Snape's palms smacking the top of his desk startled Rey._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Now on that note, there's something I want to get into today. I mentioned your optimism. I want to dig into who you are. We're going to talk about your strengths, your weaknesses, what you like to do.” He put up a hand to forestall any comments. “I don't mean in terms of magic. I mean you, your personality traits.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She grinned at the change of tone, the room seeming to brighten a little as she pushed thoughts of Ben Solo to the back of her mind._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Well, I'm optimistic.” She ducked to avoid the quill thrown at her head._ _ _ _ _ _

______…..........................._ _ _ _ _ _

______Rey wasn't expecting Ben Solo to be waiting in front of her chair, hands in his pockets, when she arrived at the library after her meeting._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Thank you.” The words sounded awkward rolling off his lips, as if he was unused to saying them. The corner of his lip quirked up as he inspected his shoes before lifting his chin to meet her eyes. “For yesterday. McGonagall was happy today.” He shrugged as if to lessen the value of his words._ _ _ _ _ _

______Normally, Rey was one to deflect gratitude, for some reason always feeling awkward at the attention and brushing it off. Her gut told her this was the wrong move. She maintained their eye contact._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're welcome. Anytime.” She drew out the last word, trying to emphasize her sincerity to him. He sidled away, making himself at home in his usual spot while she took hers, and they both turned to their assignments in comfortable silence._ _ _ _ _ _

______She was stuck on a set of questions for Herbology when he caught her chewing on the end of her quill._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You stuck?” She yanked the quill from her mouth, turning to see him watching her closely._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sort of. Nothing I can't get, it's just tedious.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“I told you I'd return the favor.” And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it? He felt obligated. It left a sour taste in her mouth._ _ _ _ _ _

______“No, I'm fine. I just need to focus.” He continued watching her as she returned to the questions, vowing to ask Rose later if she'd had any more luck than Rey was currently having. It was close to ten minutes before he returned to his own studies._ _ _ _ _ _

______…..........................._ _ _ _ _ _

______The days blended into weeks as Rey found herself returned to a routine, the only difference being the frigid weather that discouraged any outside wanderings. She spent hours every week holed up in the library with Ben Solo. Often they were silent the entire time. On other occasions, they'd share a few words about various classes. Once every week or so, he would offer to assist her with whatever assignment she was contemplating. She always politely declined, and he always dropped the subject. Until he didn't._ _ _ _ _ _

______The second week of February had the occupants of the castle on edge at the approach of Valentine's Day, although the source of agitation varied. For Poe, it stemmed from nerves that Rose and Rey found hilarious as he planned to give Finn a gift of his favorite candy from Honeydukes. Rey and Rose assured him it would be well received, but the permanent blush on Poe's face for two weeks leading up to the holiday provided plenty of entertainment. Finn was oblivious._ _ _ _ _ _

______Rey, however, looked forward to this day as much as she did every other holiday. She found the social politics of it extremely off-putting and therefore hid herself in the library even more than usual. There, she quickly got the gist of Ben Solo's feelings for the day. Disdain might be too nice of a word. Fury. Yes, that was probably closer. She desperately hid her amusement as his pained grimace and angry mutterings grew stronger every day._ _ _ _ _ _

______It came to a head when she ducked into the library Thursday night, three days before the cursed holiday with whispers of singing dwarves and love potions trailing in behind her from the hallway. She threw her bag down, tearing out her Ancient Runes homework with a growl. Ten minutes later, she was swearing at the parchment._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why won't you let me help you?” The abrupt question sounded like it was torn from his throat without his permission. Rey jumped at the sudden volume. She was surprised to see the grimace gone from his face, a look of wild desperation taking over his features in its place._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I told you, you don't owe me. I don't want your help if you feel like you have to repay me or something.” Something flickered in his eyes. He seemed to shrink slightly._ _ _ _ _ _

______“I want to.” His voice softened, and she matched his tone._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Why?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Because you don't want me to.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______She had no response. The way he said the words made her think there was a deeper meaning there, but it was just out of her reach. She wished she could stretch forward and grab it, see it. See him._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Okay.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______They stared at each other for a second. Then he rose from his seat and came to stand beside her chair, leaning over her shoulder to read the text she was to translate and her attempts next to it. She stared at the page along with him, willing herself to concentrate on her work rather than the warm presence next to her._ _ _ _ _ _

______She breathed in slowly, willing herself to pay attention. She didn't realize how badly that would backfire until her nostrils filled with cinnamon and orange, the combination going to her head and slowing her thoughts. He leaned further over, his face a picture of concentration, and the scent became overpowering. Oh. It was him. Oh._ _ _ _ _ _

______“You're reading it too literally. Remember it's an ancient language with limited symbols. A lot of them have more than one meaning. The literal translation will be a representation of its other, deeper meanings.” She snapped back to the lesson at hand, managing to comprehend what he was telling her. She nodded along._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Take the rune for 'phoenix.' On a basic level, it means the bird, and you can use it for that. But if you think about the qualities of a phoenix, it could also be used for fire or flame, even though there's a separate rune for fire. This one could mean fire in a more spiritual sense, or it could also mean what the fire represents, like rebirth or revival. What else?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______His voice was neutral as he explained, seeming to relish in the chance to instruct. Rey thought over what he said. Her voice was soft when she spoke._ _ _ _ _ _

______“It could mean something repetitive, or a cycle? Because of the life cycle of the phoenix?” He smiled, his eyes lighting up._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Exactly. And then you could take it a step further and use it to show the feelings or ideas that those things create. It could mean persistence, like the way a phoenix survives, or wisdom, like it gains through its long life. Or healing, or hope.” He cut himself off, swallowing. Gone was the conversational note to his voice. The passion for what he was talking about bled through, clear as day. His eyes seemed to go distant for a second before he came back to himself._ _ _ _ _ _

______“That's the beauty of Ancient Runes. You can write something that you think has one meaning, but someone else could interpret it completely differently. The meanings are endless based on the way each person sees them. It's like a story that everyone sees their own life in. Like poetry.” His voice had gotten softer with every word until he was whispering. Rey sat frozen, terrified of breaking the moment._ _ _ _ _ _

______Seconds later, Ben seemed to realize he hadn't moved either, and he straightened up. He cleared his throat awkwardly before going back to his table, hands deep in his pockets. Rey wondered if he realized the gesture meant to hide himself away was absolutely pointless now. Whether he had meant to or not, he had torn himself open and bared his soul._ _ _ _ _ _

______Ben gathered his books and left the library. Rey remained motionless long after he was gone._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh Ben is a romaaaaaantic!! Honestly he's kind of ridiculous right now but he's going to be so soft. 
> 
> On another note, the whole transactional relationship expectation thing I get into a little bit here is something I'm extremely familiar with and is close to my heart. In my line of work I encounter this on a daily basis, people who have been taught that any support they receive is purely because of the value they can return. It's heartbreaking, and I spend a huge amount of my time trying to unteach these lessons. I love the idea of Rey trying to unteach this in Ben. 
> 
> Until next time!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one didn't come easy! I got a little stuck after the intensity at the end of chapter 7, and took yesterday totally off from writing. We're back on track now though, and I love how this turned out. Some more pieces of the plot are starting to come into play!
> 
> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments, they absolutely make my day. I love being able to share my take on Ben and Rey with you.

Saturday morning Rey decided to brave the freezing temperatures and wander outside. She desperately needed to clear her head after barely sleeping the last few nights. More specifically, since Ben's impassioned speech Thursday night. She could still see the gleam in his eye as he spoke, each word coming softer and more reverent. 

That layer to him was such a contrast to the persona he wore in the rest of the school. He still strode down the hallways with a scorching glare directed at anyone within his line of sight. He never even seemed to see her when they passed each other. He sat hunched by himself in the Great Hall, stare fixated on the table in front of him. 

Yet when they occupied the library, that angry shell seemed to melt away. In the past few months he had allowed the first layer of his defenses to fall, even if he was not downright friendly. She had expected it to take time to move beyond that first line of defense, and then Thursday night had turned everything she thought she knew about him on its head. 

It was clear from his insistence on repayment the last few weeks that he was not used to generosity or kindness towards his person. Everything came with a price, and that appeared to just be a fact of his life. But the defensive mask that accepted those things was hiding a far more vulnerable soul that she'd had the privilege to peek at that night. She desperately wanted to unearth that soul in its entirety.

Rey kicked a few pebbles that weren't frozen into the ground along the lake. That was another thing she should probably examine, wasn't it? Her fascination with him. With wanting to know him, to break down those defenses. With his patrician features and broad shoulders that made her stare just a little too long. With the low tones of his voice that made her stomach flip. 

She'd never had a crush on anyone before, but she still knew the signs. She'd felt this coming on for months now, and she knew damn well it was too late to talk herself out of it. At least she knew one thing for sure. She'd _never_ tell him.

Within the hour, Rey was in the kitchens, sipping on hot chocolate until she could feel her limbs again after the ill-advised wander outside. The cold air had helped her feel refreshed though, and her thoughts were less jumbled. She told herself the tapping of her foot was purely to help warm it up, and not because she was impatient to finish the drink and head to the library.

That's exactly what she did, about ten minutes later, taking her seat before glancing over to where Ben was immersed in a book. She peeked up through her lashes, trying not to be noticed as she took in the focused interest in his eyes and the way his lips moved silently as he read. She swallowed.

“What are you reading?” He glanced up, considering, before wordlessly lifting the book to show her the cover. She blinked hard upon seeing a muggle science book in his hands. It wasn't the same one she had pulled for him weeks before. Instead, this one seemed to focus only on the subject of chemistry. A small grin formed at the corner of his mouth at her look of surprise.

“What? It's cool.” Hearing Ben Solo describe muggle science as cool was not something Rey would have envisioned happening at any point before it actually did. She couldn't help but laugh lightly. At the sound, his face darkened considerably, and he seemed to shrink in stature as he put the book back down on the desk.

“No, I wasn't laughing at you! I was just surprised. Most wizards think muggle subjects are a waste of time.” The expression on his face softened slightly, replaced by one of wariness. 

“Most wizards are idiots.” She bit her lip hard in an effort not to laugh, afraid she'd upset him again. He didn't seem to be in the mood to talk anymore, so Rey pulled some homework out of her bag and set to work. 

The afternoon passed in relative silence as Rey worked through a few assignments and Ben continued poring over the chemistry book. He was so wrapped up in it that he didn't seem to notice when she looked at her watch, gasped at the time, and hurried off to dinner. 

Rey slid into a seat beside Rose in the Great Hall a few minutes after food had been served. She was met with a raised eyebrow and a questioning glance.

“Where'd you get off to? Almost missing meals isn't like you, Rey!” Rose's words were accompanied by a teasing smile and Rey couldn't help but return the grin with a slight shrug.

“The library. Got caught up.” With that she filled her plate, trying to avoid any further questions by stuffing a piece of chicken in her mouth. 

“You are truly turning into a Ravenclaw.” Rose shuddered in mock horror. “Maybe you can help me with our Potions essay, though?” 

“By help, you mean start it for you?” 

“Yeah, that.” Rey snorted at Rose's response. 

“Sure.” She sighed as she said it, putting on an air of reluctance. 

“I'll come with you to the library tomorrow and we can work on everything then!” Rey paused, unsure why she was so hesitant to have Rose join her for the afternoon. She told herself it was just because tomorrow was Valentine's Day and from what she knew about him so far, Ben was sure to be in a horrid mood. 

“Why bother? We can just use the common room. All the gross couples will probably go off and find empty rooms around the castle anyway.” Rose nodded her agreement, all the while looking over at her inquisitively. Rey pretended not to notice.

What she did notice, however, was that Ben never made it to dinner. She wished she'd said something to him before she left, reminded him of the time. She felt mildly guilty for leaving him in his own little world. As dinner wrapped up and she and Rose made their way from the Great Hall to the Hufflepuff rooms, Rey mentioned she'd forgotten something in the library. She waited until Rose got to the entrance to the common room, and she ducked into the kitchen.

There, she debated on what to grab. Food technically wasn't allowed in the library so she couldn't exactly bring an entire plate. She also had no idea what he liked. Shrugging, she turned to the nearest house elf and asked him for some snacks and maybe a sandwich wrapped up in a small package. Once she had it in hand, she quickly made for the library.

Ben was still sitting in the exact same position she'd left him in over an hour ago, buried in the book. Rey cleared her throat gently. He looked up, meeting her gaze with an inquisitive one of his own. Her breath caught at the lack of hostility in his eyes. Shaking her head mildly to dispel those thoughts, she held out the paper-wrapped food in offering.

“You missed dinner.” He stared at the parcel in her hand, uncomprehending.

“I brought you something. I don't know what you like, or...” She trailed off as he continued staring at her. She placed it down on the table in front of him. He frowned. She sighed, deciding to leave him alone. He was still just staring at the package of food on the table before him when she turned away.

“Thank you.” The whispered words wafted to her once her back was turned. She stopped. She turned back around to face him, catching his eye for the briefest of seconds before he averted his gaze to his balled up hands.

“Anytime.” She laid as much meaning as she could into the word before leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Rey spent the whole of Sunday with Rose, guffawing at the disgusting couples slobbering on each other throughout the day. Rose did point out with a grin that they never heard a word from either Poe or Finn.

It was nice to spend the day with Rose, something Rey admittedly hadn't done much at all this year. She only allowed her mind to wander to the library once or twice, wondering what Ben was working on, if he hated the day as much as she guessed he would. Rose didn't fail to notice.

“So... how's the library been this year?” Rey could tell from the pointedness of the words and the grin on Rose's face that this conversation was quickly going to be out of her control.

“Good.”

“Been spending a lot of time there, haven't you?”

“We have a lot of work. A lot of studying.” She refused to meet Rose's eyes at this point.

“Oh, _studying_.” She could feel the intensity of Rose's stare on the side of her now slightly blushing face. Damn it.

“Studying what, exactly?”

“For school. My electives are tough on top of everything else.” Rose hummed.

“You're sure it's not Ben Solo you're _studying_?” Rey coughed violently. Rose smirked.

“I'm not – it's not – don't -” Rey groaned and Rose's triumphant smirk disappeared, her facing softening into a sympathetic smile.

“I'm sorry, I won't tease you. What's going on? Why haven't you told me?” Rey looked down at her hands.

“There's not a whole lot to tell, honestly. We study together. I mean, not together. Just at the same time. He always sits at that big table. We talk sometimes. Not much. He helped me with Ancient Runes once.” Rey bit her lip. She didn't really know how to explain the dynamic between her and Ben.

“He's not a jerk to you, is he? Because he always seems like a jerk. He's never even acknowledged you in the halls, either. I just want to make sure you're okay.” Rey looked up at Rose, her eyes wide.

“What? No! He's... not friendly, I suppose. But... he's fine. He just doesn't seem like he trusts anyone. I helped him with his homework once. He got all upset about how he owed me one after.” Rey shrugged. As hard as it was to understand Ben, it was even harder trying to explain him to Rose.

“It's just... I've heard rumors. And I don't want you to get hurt. So just, be careful, okay?” Rey frowned, puzzled.

“What rumors?” 

“It's probably nothing to worry about. Just some people speculating. There's a couple Ravenclaws who swear he's Dark, but maybe they just don't like him.” Rey's eyes widened at this. The sight of his enraptured face as he spoke about the beauty of Ancient Runes flashed through her mind. The sound of his voice as he defended the muggle chemistry book he was reading.

“No. There's _no way_. Just... it's not true.” Rose studied her for a second before saying anything.

“Okay. I believe you. There's obviously more you're not saying.” She held up a finger when Rey opened her mouth to interrupt. “That's fine, I'm not going to push you to tell me anything you don't want to. I know it's not easy for you. Just... I'm here, whenever you want.” 

Rey felt her eyes start to moisten and she reached over to hug Rose. Sometimes she couldn't believe she had such amazing friends. 

…...........................

Monday afternoon brought another meeting with Professor Snape. Rey could tell the topic was not going to be light when she walked in to find a cup of tea waiting for her. She sat down, busying her hands with the cup and avoiding eye contact with Snape.

“If you truly do not wish to talk about this, I will not push you. However, I'd like you to at least try.” Rey looked up to meet his mild stare.

“Talk about what, sir?” 

“Your childhood. Before you came to Hogwarts.” She sucked in a breath, and Snape waited patiently.

“Why you, sir?” He raised an eyebrow, encouraging her to clarify. “Why do you... talk to students? Why not our heads of house?”

“I had... similar experiences to many of my students, and I do not wish to see them affected in the same ways I was. While anyone can act in the role of a friendly ear, I have the advantage of understanding things your other teachers may not.” His explanation had a note of finality to it, and Rey inferred that he would not be willing to explain his own past any further. She nodded. Then she took a deep breath.

“Before I came to Hogwarts, I was no one. From nowhere.”

Rey left Snape's office about an hour later, emotionally wrung out and a bit red around her eyes. Snape had never pushed her to divulge that which she did not want to, but she found her whole story spilling out of her. The hour had barely been enough time to scratch the surface, but Snape had listened intently, wordlessly handing her a tissue when she turned away, embarrassed at the tears forming in her eyes. 

Now she made her way to the library, needing the peaceful environment and a compelling book to help steady her. She sat down and pulled out the novel she was halfway through. Out of habit, she glanced over at Ben, who was furtively watching her over the top of his own text. Her glance met his and his eyes widened as they roved over her features. She quickly looked down, embarrassed.

“You okay?” The gruff words sounded concerned. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. It had been a harrowing afternoon. 

He didn't say anything further, watching her for another minute before returning to his book. The comfortable silence and Ben's nearby presence soothed the raw edges of Rey's emotions. Nothing further was said, but by the time they left to go to dinner, Rey was feeling calm once more.

…...........................

If Rey had thought the progress they had made over the week surrounding Valentine's Day would lead to more stimulating conversations, she was wrong. The days continued passing in the same manner they had before. Reading, studying, writing, all interrupted on occasion by a question or comment here and there. It was comfortable. It was familiar. It was infuriating.

Despite how much time Rey spent with him in the library, she found more and more of her time out of it consumed by thoughts of Ben Solo. She itched to ask him about himself, to find out why he hid himself away so securely. Every time she even considered trying, it was as if an invisible wall sprang up around him, protecting him from her curiosity. 

One afternoon she asked him why he hated everyone so much. 

“I don't.” When she pointed out that he acted like he did, he shrugged and went back to his writing.

Another time, she asked him what he wanted to do after he graduated. He mumbled something about knowing what he _didn't_ want to do, but he wouldn't elaborate. She had to give up again.

…...........................

About two weeks after Valentine's Day, Rey entered the Great Hall on a Wednesday morning to hear louder chatter than usual. She sat down next to Rose and asked her what was going on.

“Oh, it's the newspaper. There was another Ministry leak by Kylo Ren.”

“A leak? What? Who's Kylo Ren?” Rose laughed and shook her head at Rey's questions.

“You really don't follow current events, do you? This is the third one. There was one last summer, and one a year before that. No one knows who he is, that's just the name he goes by. All three times he's given information to the Daily Prophet about some scummy Ministry employee getting into shit they shouldn't be. This time it was the president of the British Quidditch League. He apparently got pretty wrapped up in betting on the games in his own league and started interfering with the referees to throw games and win. Last year Ren claimed some higher-up in the Auror office was funneling money back to her husband's company.”

Rey sipped on her orange juice, thinking for a minute.

“And he's telling the truth?”

“The first two both ended up being right. So far only the Prophet has done some digging on this one, but it's probably fair to say he's three for three. Gotta be some sort of Ministry employee to have all the dirt on everyone.” 

She hummed in response before going back to her breakfast. The first two had come out over the summer when she was stranded in muggle London, that must be why she hadn't heard about it. She resolved to ask Ben his thoughts that evening. 

By the time she got to the library, thoughts of the name Kylo Ren had completely left her mind. They'd actually done so by noon, thanks to a particularly grueling Potions practical that required two simultaneous timers to prevent anything from blowing up. Had she remembered, she probably would have opted out of bringing it up anyway.

Ben seemed in an odd mood from the moment she joined him. He was slightly antsy, readjusting his position and scuffing his feet every few minutes and playing absentmindedly with a quill the rest of the time. He didn't seem particularly focused on the material in front of him, and Rey decided to leave him be for the night instead of having what would most likely be another unsuccessful attempt at breaking down those walls he kept up so unflinchingly. 

She reflected on their interactions since the beginning of the year, noting how far they had already come. She could continue to be patient, she decided. She had all the time in the world, and, she admitted to herself, there were worse ways to spend it than waiting on Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooooo, I wonder who Kylo Ren could be... :D I finally had to clue Rose in, the poor girl's been out of the loop for months on the whole Ben situation! I didn't mean to completely leave Finn and Poe out here, especially after the Valentine's Day mention, they'll definitely get some ... screen time??... in the next chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how in Harry Potter everything exciting happens at the end of the school year? Yeah... get ready. Next few chapters are going to really fill in a lot. This one's a little shorter than I wanted, but the ending point was perfect so I decided to cut it off. As always, thank you for the incredible comments. I was nervous starting this fic and posting for the first time, but all the wonderful feedback has just absolutely thrilled me.

Ben still seemed more on edge than usual by Thursday night when Rey got to the library. He wasn't as restless as he'd been the day before, but he was constantly glancing around, eyes hesitating over Rey as if he expected something of her. He'd do this then sigh softly, looking back to his work spread in front of him. Rey put her book down to study him for a minute. Over the months he seemed to be able to hide his emotions less and less. Or maybe she was just getting better at reading him. Whatever the case, six months ago she never would have noticed the difference. Today, though, she was worried for him. 

A fleeting look of surprise passed over his face the next time his eyes darted over her and he met her own gaze, still trained on him. She watched as he made a visible attempt at quelling whatever roiling emotions lay just beneath the surface.

“You okay?” She echoed his words from a few weeks earlier. She saw his lip twitch, just barely, and thought he might remember too. 

Just tired.” He didn't seem tired. He seemed anxious, waiting for something to jump out of the shadows at him. She let it go anyway.

Ten minutes later he had not relaxed at all, and she thought the topic of the Ministry leaks might be a good way to distract him. 

“Rose was telling me about that Kylo Ren guy and the Ministry stuff he's been putting out. I hadn't heard of it until this new one. What's the deal?” As she finished talking she became aware that Ben had completely frozen. He stared at her, stock-still, with what looked like fear in his eyes. That couldn't be right. She blinked. 

He seemed to relax slightly, looking down at his notes surrounding him. 

“No idea. He just comes out with a story about some corrupt Ministry asshole every once in a while. Of course, that's just the really bad shit, everyone in that-” He cut himself off at the expression of mild shock on her face and started studying his fingers. “Sorry. Bad day, I guess.” He tried to smile at this and failed miserably. She quickly recovered from listening to the pure bitterness that laced his voice and waved off his apology.

“It's fine. I've just been kind of surprised by the whole thing. I get so wrapped up in Hogwarts and the whole idea of magic still that it doesn't really cross my mind that there's shitty people in this world too.” She laughed a little as she said it, for some reason afraid of letting the conversation get too deep. He looked up, head cocked to the side. 

“You still trying to take it all in?” She blushed.

“I know I should be over it by now, it's been a couple years. I just... sometimes I still can't believe it's all real.” She was whispering by now, afraid to look up and find him laughing at her. She finally dared to glance at his face. He was smiling, the creases around his eyes and the dimples covering his cheeks making her breath catch. 

“There's _nothing_ wrong with appreciating magic, Rey.” He stressed the words, silently imploring her to believe him. Her stomach flipped at her name on his lips. It sounded entirely too good in his voice. She nodded slowly, certain her voice would do something embarrassing if she tried to speak. Ben held her eyes for a moment more, then started gathering his materials and stood up to leave. 

“Remember what I said.” His eyes bored into hers once more, and then he was gone. She didn't have to wonder what he was referring to. The urgency in his voice only moments before left her with no doubt.

…...........................

Rose and Rey met up with Poe and Finn for a full day in Hogsmeade that weekend. They spent a good two hours trading tales of the hell that was the spring term over butterbeers in the Three Broomsticks after spending the morning shopping and exploring. If Poe and Finn seemed a little cozier, Rey wasn't going to say anything. Rose, on the other hand, had no such reservations.

“So, how long has it been official?” The shit-eating grin would have been enough of a clue for anyone except a pair of Gryffindors. 

“How long has what been official?” The bewilderment on Finn's face probably wouldn't have caused Rey to laugh on its own, but combined with the wide-eyed horror on Poe's, she broke down in giggles. Above the hand she had over her face she saw Poe making slashing motions across his throat that he quickly ceased when Finn glanced over.

“You and Poe. We gave him some advice on the Valentine's Day gift so we've been waiting to hear.” Rose continued, unabashed. Poe pretended to fall and die in his seat. By now Finn's eyes were darting between the girls and Poe.

“Well, yeah it was nice of him. We're friends, we always do something for Valentine's. What's official?” Finn, bless him, was still absolutely lost. Rose plowed ahead.

“Yeah, friends is definitely not what he was thinking. Okay bye!” As Poe's head landed with a thud on the table, Rose dragged Rey to her feet and out the door of the pub.

“Rose! I can't believe you did that!” Rey was gasping both from laughter and trying to keep up with her friend. Rose shrugged, a dangerous smirk on her face.

“They just needed a push in the right direction. They're the sorriest Gryffindors I ever saw.” She slung an arm around Rey's shoulders. “Now, where to next? Let's give them some time.”

Rey laughed at Rose's exaggerated wink and motioned towards Scrivenshaft's, the last place the boys had wanted to visit, wrinkling their noses at the idea of spending a weekend day looking at school supplies. When Rey had pointed out that one could write for reasons other than schoolwork, they had both stared at her, appalled. 

The two poked around inside the shop for a little while before heading back to the Three Broomsticks, where Poe and Finn were just walking out the door, hand in hand and smiling timidly. The two _were_ kind of adorable. Rose didn't make any more comments, instead leading the troupe back up the path toward the castle.

“Oh, Rey! Hang on.” She turned around at the sound of Poe's voice, waiting for him and Finn to catch up. 

“What are your plans for the Easter holiday? I want to set up that Ministry thing for you and that seemed like a good time.” Rey's face lit up, remembering Poe's Christmas gift. 

“That would be great! I was planning to just stay here at the castle. I don't know how that would work, really.” She frowned, wondering if she'd be allowed to leave for one day.

“My dad will be the one taking you, so maybe he can talk to McGonagall and come pick you up?” 

“Oh, that sounds perfect. What do I need to do?” Rey was already looking forward to the excursion.

“Don't worry about it, I'll work it out with Dad and let you know.” She nodded her assent, grinning, and tuned out Poe as he fell back into conversation with Finn. Easter break felt like it couldn't come soon enough. 

…...........................

By the next week Ben seemed to be back to normal. They talked occasionally and always about inconsequential things, but he was calmer, more focused. Rey also noticed he had started to work some muggle science books into his regular rotation. She couldn't help but smile whenever she saw him buried in one, eyes lit up in fascination and hand scrambling to take notes.

Once in a while he'd catch her watching him, and she'd gesture to the book with a knowing grin. It never failed to pull a smile from him as well, reminding her of the way his face lit up when she first introduced him to the subject for his Transfiguration homework. The light radiating from his face was seared into her memory, and she found herself pulling out her drawing supplies in her room in the evenings. She had long ago smoothed out the crumpled up sheet she had buried in her bag the first time she'd started to sketch him. Now, she started over, remembering that day and the look of awe written across his features after his successful _Evanesco_. 

The charcoal pencils were the perfect medium to catch the depth of his expressions, she mused, working intently on the messy strands of inky hair. So engrossed was she that the light touch to her shoulder nearly sent her flying off her bed. She turned, gasping for breath, to meet Rose's eyes. A smirk pulled at Rose's lips as she glanced at the drawing pad in Rey's lap and back to her quickly reddening face. She stammered momentarily as she drew the pad up to her chest, far too late to conceal her latest subject. 

“So. There's _definitely_ more you're not telling me. Although...” At this Rose paused, pointedly looking back at the drawing now clutched to Rey's chest. “If that's what he looks like when he's not scowling, I get it.” Rey's jaw dropped. Rose laughed. 

“Okay, okay. I'll stop. Just remember my offer. Whenever you need to talk.” Rose's laughter faded as her expression turned serious. Rey relaxed, letting the drawing fall back to her lap. Her eyes flicked down to it. It didn't even capture the flame that seemed to burn within him, not really. 

“Well actually...” The words were barely out of her mouth when Rose sat down besides her, making herself comfortable on Rey's quilt. Rey worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, not sure how to start.

“Remember how I told you he helped me with Ancient Runes one time?” Rose nodded. “He... I don't know how to describe it. He came over to look at what I was working on, and started by telling me what I needed to fix, but then...” She broke off again, swallowing. Rose watched her intently. 

“It was like all of the anger and hatred he shows people was just _gone_. He was so intense, the way he talked about it. How it's like poetry, and how things can have different meanings to people. I'm not even explaining it well. He just... I want to see that side of him, again. _All the time_.” She finally stopped, nearly breathless. Rose was staring at her, her eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

“You are _so_ into him.” Rey scoffed. 

“ _That's_ what you get from this? I'm trying to tell you about him, not me!” Her indignant cry didn't deter Rose. 

“Exactly. You're dying to talk about him. And it's awesome that you saw that side of him, you should try to get him to open up more. But Rey... oooh, you're so screwed.” She giggled, softening the words as she put an arm around Rey's shoulders. Rey closed her eyes. 

“I know.” Her whisper resulted in Rose pulling her close and resting her head on Rey's shoulder. 

…...........................

By the next Hogsmeade weekend, just a week before the Easter holidays, Poe had gotten all the details sorted out with his dad and told Rey to be ready to go on Thursday during the second week of break. Poe's dad would be meeting her in the Headmistress's office at 9 am. She couldn't wait. She was a little nervous though, and decided to ask Snape for advice on what questions she should ask and what she should wear when she met with him on Monday. 

The meetings had continued to go well. Rey was more comfortable talking about her past now, and most weeks included at least some conversation about her experiences growing up. Snape never reacted to her stories, steadily listening and letting her say what she needed to. 

When these discussions got to be too much, they swapped to what she really wanted to talk about: the future. Snape was sure she didn't need to worry herself at all yet, contending that she had over four more years at Hogwarts before she'd be joining the professional world. She should enjoy her time here, he reasoned, and as subjects got more advanced she'd start to figure out what it was she really wanted to do. She was starting to trust him in this, letting go some of her anxiety about her place in this world. 

This week's meeting focused almost entirely on discussions of the future, as she brought up her visit to the Ministry almost as soon as she entered his office. Snape sat back in his chair, one hand on his chin as he looked on in amusement.

“You're enthusiastic about this visit, I take it?” She folded her hands in her lap to keep them still.

“Uhh. Yes.”

“Good, you should enjoy it. Don't get too serious. You're thirteen years old. You're going there for a tour, not a job interview.” She swore he could read minds.

“How do I dress? I don't have anything nice and...” She bit her lip.

“You want to make a good impression. Understandable, but don't worry overmuch. Wear your Hogwarts robes, that will be more than sufficient.” 

“Can I ask questions while I'm there?” Snape rolled his eyes.

“What do you think the point of this is? Of course you may ask questions. So long as they're not daft.”

By the time she left his office, she was already making a list of things she wanted to learn about on her visit. She was pretty sure he was still rolling his eyes at her. 

The week seemed to crawl by while Rey waited for break to start. The one thing she wasn't looking forward to, however, was Ben being gone for two weeks. She finally mustered up the courage to broach the subject on Thursday night.

“You going home for the holidays?” She threw the question out in what she hoped was a casual manner while they were both in the middle of their work. She watched him through her eyelashes as his frame stiffened and his face shuttered. The same reaction he always had when she tried to ask him about himself.

“Yes.” The curt answer did not invite more questions, but at least he answered.She tried to think of something else to bring up, but her mind blanked. She sighed, turning back to her notes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him gradually relax until about ten minutes later, he appeared at ease again. She decided to leave well enough alone. 

Later as they packed up, Ben seemed to fumble with his belongings for a moment before glancing up at her. 

“I guess I'll... see you after break, then.” The mumbled words were rushed, awkward, but they sent a wave of warmth through Rey. He stalked from the library, unwilling to continue any conversation, but Rey didn't care. Suddenly, she wanted the holidays to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww Ben can be SO awkward. It's endearing though, isn't it? Also, I'm absolutely picturing Poe and Finn as little third years running around holding hands and blushing at each other. I was going to wait a year or so to have them get together but I couldn't pass this opportunity up.   
> Next chapter Rey goes to the Ministry... I wonder what that visit's going to hold for her??? Until tomorrow!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, the angst has arrived. 
> 
> So I've had this chapter planned from the beginning, but it didn't occur to me to tag any warnings until I actually sat down to write it. There is a scene in this chapter involving non-consensual Legilimens. I've added tags now, but I've also marked this part of the chapter. If this is a trigger for you or you just don't want to read it, stop at the row of asterisks and jump to the end. I've included a summary in the end notes.
> 
> On another note, I introduce Rey's wand in this chapter. The materials for both hers and Ben's are very intentional, so I'm attaching the [Pottermore wand wood guide](https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/wand-woods) so you can take a look. Ben's will be introduced later.

The morning of Rey's visit to the Ministry, she was in the Great Hall for breakfast before any of the teachers had appeared. She still had a few hours before she had to be in McGonagall's office, but she'd woken up earlier than usual and couldn't get back to sleep. She'd been looking forward to today for weeks.

Easter break had passed peacefully so far, even fewer students staying in the castle than had at Christmas. Rey was the only Hufflepuff left and one of only two students below fifth year. The other was a Slytherin girl named Zorii who was also a third year. Rey had recognized her from Slytherin's Quidditch team the second morning at breakfast and the two had hung out a few times during the break. 

Outside of those occasions, Rey had spent her time in the library or in her common room. She had spent a larger amount of time than she was willing to admit to herself working on sketches of Ben, trying to capture the warmth in his eyes when he smiled. 

Now, those thoughts were far from her mind as she finally made her way up to the Headmistress's office, her nicest robes on and her hair pulled back. She only had to wait about five minutes before Poe's dad Flooed into the office, immediately spotting her and introducing himself before turning to Professor McGonagall. Once they confirmed a return time, he gestured toward the fireplace.

“After you, Rey. The Floo address is 'Ministry Atrium.'” She nodded, and taking a handful of Floo powder, stepped forward into the fireplace. When she spun out the other side, she barely remembered to step out of the way for Mr. Dameron, distracted as she was by the black marble tile around her and the towering statue of the legendary Harry Potter in front of her. The statue was fairly new, built around ten years ago if she remembered correctly.

Poe's dad appeared at her shoulder, and he gestured forward to the wand registry station ahead. She led the way, handing over her willow and unicorn hair wand to the attendant who recorded the information, along with the length, 10 inches. Once it was handed back, she looked to Mr. Dameron for direction and followed him to the elevator that took them up six floors to Level 2. The Department of Magical Law Enforcement, according to the voice in the lift. 

“I'm an administrative assistant in the Auror office, so we'll start there.” She glanced at him with interest, not having realized he himself worked here. “I've worked here for years, but my son tries to pretend I don't since he thinks it's pointless to work in the Auror office without being an Auror,” he laughed. Rey was somewhat intimidated to be starting here of all places, around the magical law enforcement officers she'd heard so much about the last few years. Several of their top Aurors were out on assignments, but she was able to talk to a few people and ask some questions about their job, what they liked about it, and what made them choose it. 

Rey stuck to the same basic questions as they made their way from office to office, wishing she'd brought a notebook to write everything down. She was going to be so overwhelmed with information by the end of the day. She learned that education for Aurors was incredibly intensive and included pretty much every subject at Hogwarts. Conversely, the people who worked in the next office over in Improper Use of Magic consisted mainly of wizards fascinated by muggle artifacts. Most of their work, it turned out, centered on repairing muggle items that had been charmed or cursed by wizards to misbehave for thoroughly confused muggles. 

They made their way down to the next floor, the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, where Rey heard numerous stories about accidental magic that had to be reversed. The first office they came to had a large poster on the door of a handsome blond man with a charming smile and gilded robes. Words flashed across the bottom of the poster, reading “Don't be a Gilderoy! If a memory needs fixing, it's us you deploy!” It turned out to be the headquarters for the Ministry's team of Obliviators, who were mainly dispatched to erase memories of magic from muggles who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was highly entertained by the office containing a team of people responsible for making up excuses for magic that muggles would buy. To her relief, most of them were in fact muggleborn, as they told her themselves. She imagined the excuses pureblood wizards would come up with would have been absurd.

The last stop before lunch was level 4, the Department for Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. Here, she was led through the Beings and Beasts divisions, learning about the workings of each and which magical creatures fell into which category. A giant of a man who went by the name Hagrid spent quite a long time telling her about the various Beasts he was in charge of speaking for, forlornly explaining that they needed someone to speak on their behalf as the rest of the wizarding world wouldn't respect them. He was charming in an odd sort of way, and eventually she had to promise to check on some spider in the Forbidden Forest in order to move on to the next department. Rey was highly intrigued by the Spirits division, as the existence of ghosts still amazed her at times. 

Rey and Mr. Dameron left the Ministry for lunch, opting to wander down the street and find a small cafe. Rey stammered an embarrassed apology when she realized she didn't have money to pay for her lunch, but she was waved off, Mr. Dameron telling her that it was part of the gift. 

When they arrived back at the Ministry they picked up where they left off, riding the lift down to level 5, the Department of International Magical Cooperation. She once again felt slightly intimidated, shaking hands with the British members of the International Confederation of Wizards. From the explanations she received, it was the magical equivalent of the United Nations, and she was desperate not to embarrass herself. They moved on to the office of the department head, where she was immediately put at ease. The woman introduced herself as Leia, insisting Rey use her first name, and she couldn't help but smile at the friendly tone. She blew out a deep breath and Leia laughed.

“Feeling a little daunted by the codgers over in the ICW? Don't worry about them, they'll be asleep in their chairs within the hour.” Rey couldn't help but laugh along with Leia.

“It's all been a little overwhelming today. One of my friends set me up with this tour as a present. I'm a muggleborn.” Rey was surprised at how easily she could talk to this woman who apparently bossed around some of magical Britain's most important diplomats. 

“Don't worry yourself, most everyone around here is friendly. Just enjoy yourself. What year are you, if you don't mind my asking?” 

“Third year. I'm still kind of getting used to the whole magical world.” Leia grinned in response. 

“Yes, it must be a lot to get accustomed to. Third, you say? I have a son at Hogwarts, he'd be two years above you. Anyways, I heard you may have some questions for me?” Rey wondered if she knew the boy. 

“Not anything specific, I'd just love to know a bit about what you do and how you ended up here.”

Leia seemed to transition into professional mode then, going through her job requirements and daily responsibilities with Rey before telling her how she rose through the department to reach her current position. Through her explanation, her friendly tone never wavered, and Rey found herself fascinated by Leia's modesty about her job. She waved her hand dismissively when Rey shyly pointed this out.

“Oh, don't be silly. There's nothing around here to get conceited about. At the end of the day, magic is just magic, and we're here to make sure people are responsible about it.” Rey caught herself smiling again, wondering if she'd ever get to the point where she was that relaxed about the magical world. 

“Well,” Leia continued, “I don't want to take up any more of your time. Enjoy the rest of your day, and tell my recluse of a son hello if you ever happen to run into him. Ben's a Ravenclaw.” Rey felt the air rush out of her lungs. There was no way.

“Ben... Solo?” Her voice nearly cracked as she stared at Leia in disbelief.

“You do know him?” 

“Yeah. We're friends. Sort of.” Now it was Leia's turn to look at her disbelievingly. 

“I didn't think Ben believed in friendship anymore.” Rey tried to tamp down the beginnings of a blush. 

“Well, I don't know about _friends_ , we just...” She broke off as Leia smiled and put a hand on her arm.

“I'm glad he has someone to talk to, at least. He could use it.” Rey nodded, leaving the office in a mild stupor. She just couldn't connect the warm, friendly woman with Ben's incredibly angry, defensive facade. Shaking her head, she tabled the thoughts, following Mr. Dameron on to the Department of Magical Transportation. 

After learning about the departments governing each different type of magical travel, they finished the day in the Department of Magical Games and Sports, getting an overview of the regulation of Quidditch, Gobstones, and strangely enough, a department called the Ludicrous Patents Office, which seemed to be a filter to throw out entertainment inventions that were the most likely to result in serious maiming or death. 

By the time Rey returned to Hogwarts shortly before dinner, she was mentally exhausted and desperately trying to write down everything she'd learned before she could forget. After observing her at dinner, Professor McGonagall approached her and offered her use of the Pensieve in her office. Rey was thrilled at the offer and agreed to meet the next morning.

..............................

By Sunday when the student body returned, Rey had had time to go back over her memories at her leisure and write all the notes she could have wanted. She was excited to have an idea of what she could do if she wanted to work in the Ministry, but the visit also helped just give her ideas about different facets of the magical world that could provide employment opportunities. She was thoroughly looking forward to her meeting with Professor Snape the following afternoon.

Rose nearly screeched when she saw Rey, immediately demanding to hear how her day at the Ministry had been. Rey laughed, returning Rose's hug and promising to tell her everything that night. After dinner the two met up with Finn and Poe and found an empty classroom to relax in where Rey filled them in on the adventures of her day. Poe was relieved to hear she had such a good time, and Rose peppered her with questions about every department she visited. They nearly missed curfew, caught up as they were in Rey's stories, and she and Rose just made it to the common room in time, albeit somewhat out of breath. Rey stubbornly ignored Rose's pointed questions about whose company she'd missed the most as they got ready for bed.

Snape enjoyed hearing her stories about the people she got to meet and the jobs she learned about, laughing probably a bit harder than necessary at her bemused retelling of Hagrid's declarations. When she was done, Snape advised her to enjoy her memories of the visit, but to put her notes away until the following year. He assured her he would continue to help her in the fall but insisted that brooding over any career choices or decisions at this point would just be detrimental to her peace of mind.

Rey didn't talk to Ben at all that afternoon, but on Wednesday she decided to mention meeting his mother over the break. He was in the middle of a book when she got to the library but glanced up at her as she unpacked.

“How was your holiday?”

“Fine.” The grunt seemed less hostile than when she'd asked him about his Christmas, so that was something.

“Mine was actually good. My friend Poe arranged for me to tour the Ministry last week, it was really neat.” She watched his shoulders tense up by the second after she brought up the Ministry. 

“I met your mom, she seems nice.” The book in his hands slammed shut. She jerked her head up, startled by the sound. The absolute rage in his eyes caused her to shrink back in her seat. She had no idea what had just happened. 

“What do you want?” The words were half whispered, half shouted, the harsh edge to his voice cutting into her like a jagged knife. She felt lost.

“What?”

“I said. What. Do. You. Want from me.” He was standing now, palms flat on the table, shoulders hunched over as they rose and fell with his ragged breathing. Rey stared, wide-eyed and speechless. 

“You've been trying to dig into my life for _months_. I let you play your little games but that's over now. Tell me what you want so I can get you the fuck out of my life.” Rey was starting to feel a little scared now as she tried to get some grasp on the conversation.

“Wh-what games? I have no idea what you're talking about.” His eyes seemed to darken and he stalked around the end of the table. She pressed back into the cushion of her chair.

“Don't play dumb with me. I'll admit, you played the sympathetic ear part well. But you messed up. You got impatient. You really think a couple months of talking to me and meeting my mother once is enough to get you into her little fold? It took Hux _six years_ before she promised him anything.” The speech was delivered with such venom it raised the hairs on the back of Rey's neck. What the hell did Hux have to do with anything?

“I really have no idea what you're talking about. I don't _want_ anything from you except to be friends. What's going on?” She was nearly whispering now as he closed the distance between them until he was just feet from her chair.

********************

“Bullshit.” The word was hissed as he pulled his wand. Her eyes widened and she froze like a deer in headlights. 

“What are you doing? You can't – I'm telling the truth, I swear.” Her voiced pitched higher as he raised his wand to her, all semblance of the Ben she thought she knew gone.

“You're lying, and you're going to show me. I can take whatever I want.” With that, he flicked his wand and hissed “ _Legilimens_.”

Immediately, Rey was immersed in her own memories. Night after night of sitting in the same seat she was in now. Occasionally striking up abrupt conversations with Ben. Finding him the muggle science book. Watching him discreetly as he studied. Just as suddenly as it started, the memories stopped and Rey was back in her chair, slightly dizzy and out of breath. It took her a moment to get her bearings and realize what had happened. What he had done.

Her eyes refocused on the face in front of her. The wand held limply in his hand, now falling to his side. The slightly open mouth. The freckled skin rapidly draining of all color. The wide eyes filled with horror and shame. He staggered back a step.

“I – Rey -” Tears filled her eyes as she threw her books into her bag, desperate to get out of his sight before she broke.

“I'm so sorry.” His voice cracked on the hoarse words. He made no move to stop her, still standing with his arms hung limply at his sides, his wand thoughtlessly dangling between two shaking fingers. She hurried past, refusing to look at him for a second longer. 

“What have I done...” She tried to ignore the anguished whisper. She couldn't help but glance back over her shoulder as she nearly ran between the stacks. He was crouched down now, his elbows resting on his knees as he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. She turned away and hurried out the door, her arms wrapped around herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Peeks through fingers* don't hate me! The pain is temporary, I promise. 
> 
> *****  
> For those who skipped the last scene, Ben doesn't believe Rey and performs Legilimency on her, and she sees memories of times spent with him in the library in her mind. He ends the spell quickly, shocked and horrified by what he's done, but it's way too late. Rey leaves the library in tears as Ben realizes the consequences of what he's done.  
> *****
> 
> I promise to update again tomorrow!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise a chapter today, but I never promised the angst would stop! *Runs and hides* 
> 
> If you find the topic of non-consensual Legilimency a sensitive or triggering one, a heads-up that the events of last chapter are referenced quite a bit throughout this chapter, but there's no direct descriptions of when Ben was in her head. It focuses more on Rey's emotional reaction and the aftermath of what happened. 
> 
> This chapter is a little on the shorter side, but this was the exact stopping point I had been hoping for so I left it as it is and will try to write a longer one next. As always, thank you for the wonderful comments! Any time I'm feeling stuck I go back and read the amazing things you all have to say and I get totally inspired again. And with that, onward!

Rey paused outside the library, leaning against the wall as her knees shook. The last few minutes didn't even seem real. The spectacular headache now blooming right behind her eyes, however, reminded her that it was very, very real. She debated on where to go now. The library was always her sanctuary and she felt nauseous at the thought of losing her favorite place in the castle. The dorms were out, too. Rose was there and Rey didn't want to even see anyone, let alone answer any questions. Her feet led her to the kitchens.

She quietly requested a cup of tea, needing something warm and soothing to ground her. Within minutes a mug was placed in front of her, and she murmured a thank you to the house elf who had delivered it. Wrapping her hands around its warmth, she stared down into the steaming liquid. The memory of the look in Ben's eyes kept flashing before her, the uncontrollable rage a chilling contrast to the burning passion she'd been hoping to glimpse again. 

She sipped at her tea, the liquid helping to warm her suddenly cold body. Never in a million years had she imagined he would be capable of attacking her like that, and the reality of it turned her world on its head. She was beginning to realize just how much she'd come to count on their relationship, no matter how odd and distant it had been. She shook her head. That was well and truly over now. 

So lost in her thoughts was Rey that it didn't even register how much time had passed. She checked her watch only to gasp and realize her Astronomy practical was halfway done. She reasoned that it had been unlikely she would have gone anyway considering how her evening had gone. At some point though, she'd need to make an appearance in the dorms lest Rose panic and start a search party for her.

As she nursed her second cup of tea Rey reflected on the past few months, the way Ben had always gotten defensive whenever she tried to bring up questions about him. Every time they talked it was about classes or about her. The most personal thing he'd told her about himself was that he'd rather stay at Hogwarts for Christmas than go home. 

She still had no idea what he'd been on about when he asked what she'd wanted from him, but did it really matter at this point? The damage had been done, and she had no intention of going close enough to him to ask. She sighed, checking the time again and deciding to run back down the hall to Hufflepuff before the class got back from the Astronomy tower.

She quietly let herself out into the hallway, glancing behind her to check for any prefects or professors before moving as quickly as she could while staying quiet. She had just slipped through the door when she heard voices from down the hall, and she ran to her dorm and crawled under the sheets without even changing out of her clothes. She desperately hoped Rose would believe she was asleep.

She listened as her year mates came into the room, and heard a sigh of relief from Rose who came over to softly sit on the edge of her bed. She focused on keeping her breathing steady as Rose laid a hand on her shoulder.

“I was worried about you.” The whisper was clearly meant not to disturb her from her apparent slumber. Rey felt a tear slip down her cheek at the tender gesture from her best friend, and couldn't help but reach up to hold onto Rose's wrist as the other girl stood back up. Rose immediately turned back to her, her face growing more concerned by the second, and Rey couldn't remember why it had seemed like a good idea to keep everything to herself.

“Rey?” She spoke softly, trying to keep their conversation private from their roommates. Rey bit her lip, unsure how to answer. She looked down, noticing her hands were shaking again. It seemed Rose did too, as she wordlessly laid down on the bed next to Rey. Rose pulled her into a hug, and Rey finally cried.

…...........................

Thursday morning seemed to come much too early, but Rey dragged herself out of bed and made it to breakfast, resolving to head outside in the mild spring air during her free block before she had to go to class. She had yet to say a word to Rose, who was clearly worried but didn't push her. She did, however, follow Rey out the castle doors and down toward the lake, where they sat side by side. 

Rey pulled out her sketchpad to start a drawing of the grounds sprinkled with lively spring blooms, but the page she opened to held one of her sketches of Ben from Easter break. Less than a week ago. Why did it feel like a lifetime? She felt herself staring at the drawing but couldn't seem to pull her eyes away. The charcoal seemed to morph before her, turning the curling lips and prominent dimples into an angry snarl as the mouth formed the spell she'd only heard tales of before last night.

“Hey.” The nudge to her shoulder reminded Rey of Rose's presence, and she turned to her, stammering slightly and snapping the pad closed. “Talk to me.” Rose's voice dripped with concern and Rey immediately felt guilty about the worry she was putting her friend through.

“Ben and I, we... fought.” Should she elaborate? Should she tell Rose exactly what happened, the way Ben had seemingly morphed into an entirely different person? How his hissed words seemed to spit venom that vaporized any tenuous relationship the two had been building? 

“Are you okay?” Rose's question brought Rey back to the present, and she smiled listlessly and assured Rose she was fine.

“Don't do that, don't hide. That was a stupid question, clearly you're not fine. What I meant was, he didn't harm you, did he?” Did tearing through her personal thoughts and memories as if they were scrap paper count? 

“No. He didn't.” Rose continued studying her, looking like she wanted to say something else but swallowing it back down. The two fell back to silence, Rose's hand now on Rey's, and they didn't move until they had ten minutes left before Defense. 

“Go ahead. Tell Professor Longbottom I'm... I don't know, tell him I'm on my way. Just running late.” Rey puttered with her belongings, slowly moving them aside in her backpack to add her sketchpad. Rose didn't say anything, so Rey glanced over at her, noticing the look of consternation on her face.

“He- Ben has Defense right now. I _really_ don't want to see him.” Rose nodded in understanding, her expression clearing, and she stood up to head back to the castle. Rey continued to take her time. The last thing she wanted was to run into him outside the Defense classroom. She didn't think he'd try to talk to her, considering the scope of their interactions over the course of the school year, but after last night Rey surmised anything was possible. And she wasn't taking any chances.

She arrived at the Defense classroom only one minute late, knowing as long as she wasn't there early in the passing period she wouldn't run into him. Professor Longbottom glanced her way and paused for a second, but didn't say anything and she sighed in relief, slipping into her seat next to Rose.

Rey used the same tactic on Friday, managing to be only seconds late to History of Magic in order to avoid Ben. Charms was trickier, as his class was immediately following hers. She left the room with the crush of students, determined to keep her eyes trained down and ignore his presence. Her body had other ideas, and she automatically looked for him as she exited the room. Her eyes met his, almost missing him in the shadows where he was shrunk back against the wall. His deadened eyes were underlined by dark bags and she had to remind herself that she didn't care. Averting her eyes, she rushed off before he could even think to react. 

Rey spent her time outside of classes with Rose, Poe, and Finn. They mostly got together in the castle courtyard now that the weather was turning warm, and the levity of their conversations kept her distracted from the vice-like grip Wednesday's events now had around her heart. She couldn't help but laugh at the antics of Poe, whose sudden confidence now that he had a “boyfriend” led to absurd displays of machismo. 

It was Saturday afternoon, and she and Rose were currently collapsed against each other in a fit of giggles as Finn pretended to admire Poe's biceps, his face grower redder by the second as said arm was flexed in front of his face. Poe then sat back down, smirking as he slung an arm around Finn's shoulders and pulled his head down to rest on Poe's shoulder. Finn choked on his breath and blushed even brighter, turning Rey's suspicion that the two had yet to progress past holding hands to absolute certainty. 

She and Rose straightened up as the laughter faded, and she smiled, happy for her friends and their newfound closeness. She had spent far too little time with her friends this year, and she was glad to be somewhat making up for it now. She almost wished she could go back to last fall, before she'd unintentionally put so much of herself into piecing together the boy who turned out to be a ticking bomb rather than a jigsaw puzzle. 

…...........................

Monday afternoon Rey was in her usual spot in Snape's office, ready to talk about whatever he deemed important today. Each day that passed helped give her a little more distance, and by now, five days after The Argument as she'd begun calling it, she felt a little more normal and able to focus on the things that had seemed like massive priorities before her world tilted. 

Snape spent a few seconds looking her over and rapping his knuckles on his desk in a preoccupied manner before eventually speaking. 

“Let's talk classes today. What you like and dislike about each, what you would change if you could.” Rey perked up at that, wondering how much she'd be able to get away with saying in regards to Professor Binns' teaching style. 

She quickly forgot the emotions that had been swirling constantly in the back of her mind for the past five days as she dove into the topic. She stayed focused, no thoughts of Ben surfacing, until they reached the subject of Ancient Runes. Snape had asked her what she thought of her first year in it, and all she could see was Ben's enthralled face as he told her about the beauty of the language.

“I really enjoy it. It's my favorite elective, actually. I struggled a little at first, because I was taking everything too literally. But then...” Rey trailed off, swallowing. She would _not_ bring him into this conversation. “Then I figured out how much meanings can vary and change from person to person. And it became...” She trailed off again, suddenly feeling shy.

“Poetry.” The word was spoken softly, but definitively, and Rey's head snapped up to stare at Snape, certain she'd misheard him or imagined it entirely. He was staring at her intently, his eyes seeming to bore into hers.

“What?” Her question came out as a croak. He was stroking his chin now, still watching her thoughtfully. 

“Ahh, ignore me. Just something I heard recently. My apologies, continue.” His gaze seemed to relax and Rey took a deep breath.

“Um, so yeah. I really like Ancient Runes.” She lifted one shoulder in a half shrug, and Snape returned to teacher mode, asking questions about what she thought one could do with the subject outside of school and if she might have any interest. By the time she left Snape's office, the interaction had slipped her mind.

…...........................

Rey quickly adjusted to her new routine, only feeling a slight twinge of regret when she thought about the library she loathed the thought of returning to. Rose was as great a study partner as Rey had remembered, only trying to beg off once or twice per session. The company of her friends was a balm to her soul, warding off the old feelings of alienation she'd been intimately familiar with as a child. She hadn't often experienced the return of her childhood fears since coming to Hogwarts, but Ben's outright attack had caused them to resurface.

She had spent so many months determined to befriend him, convinced he must like her at least a little if he talked to her at all, if he helped her. Now, though, it was clear he'd been merely tolerating her presence, and her old insecurities about being unwanted came roaring back. She had to remind herself daily that Rose loved her, that Finn understood her more than anyone else she knew, that Poe had gone to great lengths to set up a Christmas gift she would love. She thought about her housemates who supported her, helped her, welcomed her into their fold. Her teachers who delighted in seeing her succeed. Snape, who initiated these meetings taking up his own time just to help her work through her worries. She had plenty of people on her side. 

Before she knew it, another week had passed and it was late April. She was preoccupied at breakfast one morning, planning a walk around the grounds as soon as classes let out, so she didn't notice the owl weighed down by a heavy-looking parcel until it almost landed on her plate. She quickly took the package, waving away her housemates' curiosities. She unwrapped the package to find a thick book with a faded cover and a note stuck between the worn pages. 

_Dear Rey,_

_This book is an introduction to Occlumency, the art of blocking one's mind from irredeemable assholes who use Legilimency without permission. I'm not sending this to you as some sort of bribe to talk to me, or as a suggestion that what I did was remotely your fault. I'm sending it because I've gotten to see how much you love learning new things, and I thought having this to explore might make you feel safer, knowing no one horrid enough to even try could ever do that to you again._

_Yours,  
Ben_

Rey read the note twice before letting her eyes come to rest on the word above where he signed his name. _Yours_. What the fuck was he playing at? She felt Rose lean in next to her to read the note. Rose gasped.

“He did _what_?” 

Rey balled up the note and tossed it into the bottom of her bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor idiot Ben. He makes her hate his guts and then immediately realizes "oh no I like her." Sigh. It's going to be rough seas for a little while for these two, I desperately wanted to have them make up quickly but that seemed spectacularly unrealistic because Rey's a badass who's learning her worth. On the plus side, that means we get to see clueless Ben twist himself into knots.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, I so meant to have this up earlier but I got incredibly stuck near the end! Hopefully things will get a little easier again.
> 
> Most importantly, I owe a thank you to AlbaStarGazer who inspired the idea of including Rey learning about Occlumency in the last chapter. I had been trying to figure out a gesture/gift for Ben to send her as an apology, and the idea of Occlumency just fit in so perfectly, so all credit for that goes to Alba!

Rey returned to the book in front of her, hesitantly picking it up and flipping through the pages. She wanted to reject the gesture, she really did, but he was right. The new subject did pique her interest. She couldn't get too invested in her perusal though, as Rose was about to spontaneously combust next to her.

“You left out that he _broke into your mind!_ ” Rose's furious hiss made Rey shiver at the deadly tone. “You said he didn't hurt you! Rey, this is serious, you have to report him.” Rose was whispering furiously to her, her voice starting to get louder and attracting glances from other students. 

“Please, can we talk later? Not here.” Rey's pleading tone broke Rose out of her indignation, and her expression softened. 

“Of course. After classes. But we _are_ talking then, okay?” Rey promised, and proceeded to grab her bag and after a moment of hesitation, the book that Ben had sent her.

By the time classes finished Rey was exhausted. She and Rose headed outside and found a spot by the lake to occupy away from any prying ears.

“Rey, why didn't you say anything?” Rey looked down at her hands, focusing in on a small hangnail on her thumb. 

“I don't – didn't – want to talk about it. Everything happened so fast and then I left, and I didn't even know whether I was scared or mad or just in shock. And now I'm just kind of numb, I guess. And I really, really didn't think he was capable of doing something like that, and I can't stop thinking back over this year and how I was so wrong...” She trailed off, taking a steadying breath. She kept her eyes trained on her hands.

“Oh, Rey. I'm so sorry. Are you absolutely sure he didn't hurt you?” 

“Yeah. I'm fine.” The pattern of lines on her knuckles really was fascinating. Rose's voice took on a note of hesitancy.

“Why haven't you told McGonagall yet? You're going to have to, you know that, right?” She really needed to trim her nails soon.

“Rey?” 

“I don't know.” Her voice was small when she finally answered.

“You... you don't think what he did was okay, do you? Because it's the farthest thing from okay and there have to be consequences.” 

“No! No, I know that.” She swallowed, unsure how to explain to Rose the conflicted thoughts in her mind. She was furious, of course. She felt betrayed, ravaged by his distrust and resentment. She missed the way they'd existed in each other's company before. She ignored the part of her that wondered if she could just pretend it never happened. 

“You don't hate him.” The surprise in Rose's voice caused her to glance up and meet her eyes. “You're angry at him, but you don't hate him.” There was no judgment in Rose's tone.

“No. I don't.” She sighed. “I should. I want to. But I just...” 

“I think you need to tell me a lot more about you and him.” 

“There is no 'me and him,' we just talked sometimes since we were in the library all the time.” Rose raised an eyebrow at her.

“Do you remember when I asked you what the deal was on Valentine's Day?” Rey nodded warily, not sure she was liking the direction of the conversation.

“Did it ever occur to you how I knew to ask you about him?” Rey blinked.

“Uh, no.”

“You have no idea how many times I've come to the library to check in on you this year, do you?” Feeling totally lost seemed to be a theme for Rey these days. 

“What?”

“I've been dropping by since November. I came to check on you right after the feast on Halloween and then every week until Christmas. I started to again when we got back, but only for a few weeks. You'd been spending so much time there I wanted to make sure you didn't need anything or want company, but it became obvious that wasn't needed anymore. You never saw me, and I wasn't trying to hide. You two were always in your own little world. I don't think I ever came in and didn't see one of you staring at the other.” Rey's mouth opened and closed a few times before Rose continued.

“So now you're going to tell me about everything you guys talked about the whole year, because I want to know exactly why you don't hate his guts and why you clearly have zero plans to tell a soul what happened.”

“Why didn't you say anything before?” Rey's voice was quiet. She was still digesting the information overload. Rose shrugged.

“You didn't act like you wanted to talk about it. I figured you'd tell me when you were ready.” 

“I can't believe you were doing that this whole time.” She felt her voice thicken as she fought down a wave of emotion that came over her. She cleared her throat as Rose waited patiently.

“I don't really know where to start. I mean, he accused me of stalking him the first week of school. How about there?” Rose guffawed.

“Yes, definitely there.”

Rose and Rey missed dinner that evening, still caught up in Rey's storytelling. Rey told her about the first few weeks, how suspicious Ben had been. The conversations lasting thirty seconds maximum in which Ben said as few syllables as he could manage. The questions on Halloween about why she wasn't at the feast and the way his outer defenses had started to blur around the edges so subtly that she didn't even realize it for months.

By the time she finished telling Rose about Ben's Transfiguration homework and his amazement at her suggestion it was growing dark. Rose sat still with an eyebrow raised.

“I can't say I expected him to be into muggle subjects.” Rey shrugged. She'd been intrigued at the time too. 

“Okay, well it's late. Do you feel like telling me more tomorrow?” Rey bit her lip.

“Actually, can we go to the kitchens for some food and keep talking there? It's... good to get this out, but it's exhausting and I don't feel like dragging it out into tomorrow.”

The girls made their way back to the castle, where they ran down the stairs to the basement and into the kitchens. They were immediately swarmed with house elves who brought them leftovers of every dish that had been served at dinner. They thanked them and settled down to eat, Rey continuing to talk throughout. 

She begrudgingly told Rose when she'd realized she liked Ben, at which point Rose interrupted her to roll her eyes and state that she could have told Rey that in December. Rey declined to answer. Instead she found herself reliving the night Ben had helped her with her Ancient Runes. The entire interaction came spilling out of her lips and she wished she could use the Headmistress's Pensieve to show Rose the memory because she was describing him so inadequately. 

By the time she reached the night he had attacked her, she'd nearly forgotten it had happened, so lost in her memories she'd been, and the cold harsh reality hit her hard enough to make her shoulders cower under its weight. She felt tears at the corners of her eyes and blinked them back as she looked up at Rose. 

“So. Now you know everything.” Rose's hand reached across the table to grab hers, and neither spoke for several minutes. Rose eventually sighed and straightened up.

“I won't push you to report him if you really don't want to. God knows he'd deserve it if you did.” Rey gave her a half-hearted smile.

“Thanks.”

“I won't pretend to like it, though. He really hurt you and that's not okay. You have more value than that, Rey. There's plenty of people out there who want to be your friend who won't hurt you.” 

With that, Rose checked her watch, gasping as she saw that it was ten minutes past curfew, and the two gathered their bags and raced the short distance down the hallway to Hufflepuff before they could be discovered.

…...........................

Rose's words continued to echo in Rey's mind for days after their conversation. She didn't know what she would do without her best friend. She felt a little lighter and more clear-headed now that she'd talked through the entire story with Rose, and she found herself questioning what she now felt towards Ben. Beyond the deep-seated anger, that was. 

It was that line of thinking that led her to return to the library just a few days before the turn of the month. Rose flat-out insisted on coming with her, not trusting Ben in case no one else was there, and Rey was secretly relieved.

She couldn't fathom the mild feeling of disappointment then, when he made no move to approach or talk to her during the few hours she spent in her old chair, Rose perched on the arm. She thought she felt his eyes on her a few times, but whenever she glanced toward him, past Rose's warning stares, he was bent over his own materials.

Rey only went to the library when Rose was able to accompany her for about a week before she finally shrugged at Rose in their room one night and told her it didn't look like Ben was going to acknowledge that she existed, let alone pose a problem. 

On Saturday Rey brought all of her books along with an extra sweater and a pile of snacks with her to the library. They were into the beginning of May now, and the work was piling up as the teachers made one final push to finish the curriculum before exam reviews began. Thus, Rey had hours of homework ahead of her. 

She got set up in her seat, almost immediately putting her sweater on. She wasn't sure why she had felt cold all week, the library was always cozy and the weather was nice enough to keep the entire castle comfortable, but there had an indefinable chill every day she'd been there. Today it had her snuggling down into her chair as she pulled out her Charms work. Her hunkered down position held another benefit, helping her feel less vulnerable as she felt a pair of eyes on her.

She tried to ignore him, she really did, but the goosebumps on her neck told her he was spending more time staring at her than he was doing homework. She chanced a glance up and felt a thread of surprise course through her at the look in his eyes. The guardedness was gone. Not tempered or momentarily pulled back, but gone, leaving a pair of tortured and broken irises in its wake. She snapped her gaze back to her work, unwilling to linger on the suddenly available humanity she'd so longed to see before.

The day sped by, in a way so similar to the days of months past that Rey slightly resented it, and she left for the Great Hall, dinner, and a reprieve from the memories the day in the library had brought forth. Rose immediately asked after her, the concern that twisted her features relaxing steadily as Rey informed her that he hadn't ever breathed a word. 

Rey was relieved that she felt comfortable enough to return to the library as the work just kept piling up, and she could be found in her corner chair nearly every minute that she wasn't in class. Ben was equally predictable, and Rey found it a rare moment that he wasn't already occupying his table when she arrived, no matter the time of day or night.

It took three more days for him to speak.

Rey was deep into an essay explaining ways to detect undetectable poisons for Professor Snape when he cleared his throat. They'd been so utterly silent until that point that the sound startled her and she cursed under her breath at the ink blot now staining her parchment. Twisting her mouth in annoyance, she peeked over at him out of the corner of her eye, not wanting to give him the power of drawing her gaze.

“Hux -” He cleared his throat again, as though he were unused to speaking. “Hux used to be my best friend.” He was staring down at the parchment in front of him as if it held all the answers to the universe, his brow knitted together. “For six years. His dad knew – knew my mom-” Here he coughed, the halting words giving off the impression that he would rather be anywhere else. 

“We met when I was seven. Him too, I guess. We were inseparable for years. I used to – well, anyway, the summer before third year he told me my mom promised him a chance at an ICW staff position and that he didn't need to pretend to like me anymore.” The statements were spasmodic, rushed phrases spit out between strained pauses. 

Rey's quill had stopped moving, the only outward sign that she was listening, and she once again cursed inwardly at the large ink stain her idle quill had created in the middle of her most recent paragraph. He snorted quietly, derision evident in his next words.

“I wasn't exactly shocked, anyway. He was just one in a long line.” She wondered briefly if that derision was aimed at Hux or himself. She swallowed and refocused on her work, trying to come up with a way to salvage the essay without having to fully rewrite it on a new parchment.

He stopped speaking after that, the irritating scratch of his quill resuming moments later. Rey tuned it out and sighed, pulling out a fresh sheet of parchment to recopy her essay. She could fix some of the details in it this time, she mused. 

No other words were spoken, leaving Rey baffled. Why had he told her that? Did he expect her to just up and forgive everything because he deigned to finally give her some backstory? 

She heard him open a book and relaxed slightly. It seemed he wasn't expecting an answer, and she went back to painstakingly rewriting her essay. Once that assignment was done she quickly worked through a set of questions for Arithmancy before packing up to head back to her room. She gave Rose a brief summary of what he had said about Hux before getting ready for bed, declining to comment when Rose huffed and and rolled her eyes.

“He's not the victim here.” Her annoyed tone caught Rey's notice, and she glanced at Rose to see her staring closely. “Remember that, will you?” Rey nodded briefly, not wanting to talk about it, and climbed into bed. 

Wednesday evening Rey was in the same place, so easily falling back into her old rhythm of camping out in the library for hours at a time. She'd already gotten halfway through her essay on werewolves when Ben once again began speaking.

“When I was a kid my mom was the big new name at the Ministry. She used to go to these parties all the time with all the other Ministry brass. She'd take me with her.” His narration was much smoother tonight, she noticed. Rehearsed. 

“I'd get people coming up to talk to me and I'd be so excited because I knew their names and my mom had told me they were important. And they'd just ask me about her.” He stopped talking for a minute, long enough that Rey wondered if he was done. 

“I'd get birthday gifts from her coworkers, sometimes. At least half the time they'd get my name wrong. My first name, anyway. They always got Organa right.” 

Rey blinked, confused. Was Solo not his real last name? She remembered learning that Leia's last name was Organa. At that point she assumed Ben had been given his father's last name, but maybe that hadn't always been the case. Half of her wanted to ask him about it while the other half wanted desperately not to care.

It became apparent after a minute or two that he was done talking for today. She could hear his quill loudly scratching across the parchment in front of him again. Then she heard it fall to the table when she spoke. 

“This isn't going to make me forgive you.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least he's trying??


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. Just a quick note that I made a minor edit in chapter 11 for the timeline. I've been keeping a full calendar to keep my timeline cohesive, and I realized I referenced it being mid April when Rey received the book from Ben. That was in fact April 27, I'd lost track of how much time had passed. This new chapter begins on Thursday May 13 and goes through Monday May 24, if anyone's interested. I have Rey's exams as being the last two full weeks of school, wrapping up on Friday June 25. When we get through the end of the school year and I'm not worried about spoilers I'd be happy to post a copy of the year calendar if you guys would like. That's the only big thing for now, so enjoy!

In the evenings, Rey studied Occlumency. 

It had taken her several days before she opened the book. She knew it was ridiculous; it wasn't like he'd know whether she used the book or not. Yet it felt an awful lot like accepting his help, taking that book out and reading the introductory chapters. When she finally did, she regretted not doing so sooner.

The meditation techniques she started with helped her discover a peace she hadn't known could exist, and she knew she wasn't even adequate at the practice yet. She quickly got into the habit of reading a small section and practicing her meditation in the evenings right before bed. This usually fell right after she returned from the library, mind busy turning over whatever new information Ben had divulged that day, and she found the meditation incredibly calming.

The snippets from Ben had become a daily occurrence. He never offered more than a few sentences, and never continued the same topic into the next day, but the pieces he gave her were like light filtering through a forest, the tiny rays of sun reaching through the steadfast canopy to the hungry forest floor where they combined to illuminate the lush undergrowth. She had yet to admit to herself how much she craved the light. After all, she was furious with him.

“My mom started telling me when I was about ten that I needed to have a future where I contribute to society,” He opened with on Thursday. “Maybe that alone would have been a positive message. I don't know.” He paused, staring off into space momentarily. “But nothing I did had ever been good enough. I wasn't friendly enough with her coworkers. I didn't talk enough to other kids. I wasn't happy enough when my dad was home for two days out of the month.”

She straightened a little, starting at the mention of his father. 

“It wasn't always like that. He used to be around when I was really young. Used to take me with him. Then my magic started.” He swallowed and went back to his book, leaving Rey desperately wanting to ask him for more. She admonished herself and returned to her work.

That didn't keep her from hoping he'd expand the next day. He didn't.

“I thought Hogwarts would be different. I could finally get out from under my mom's shadow. Everyone knew by the end of the Feast whose son I was.” Rey waited. “Everyone wanted to be friends that first week, especially the older years. I thought it was great. Maybe I wasn't just a puppet for my mom.” He looked down at his hands. “It took less than a month for people to start asking if they'd get to meet her.”

“Hux and I were real friends for a while. I like to think so, anyway. It's hard to imagine a seven-year-old having ulterior motives. Maybe his dad told him to.” He shrugged, running a hand through his hair. “He got more distant the older we got. I figured it was my fault. Everything always was. I tried harder, well as much as I knew how to anyway. He was my only friend.”

“I used to get so angry. Uncontrollable. I'd have these outbursts of accidental magic that scared the shit out of my parents. That was when my dad stopped taking me with him. He said it was too dangerous for me to travel. I hated when he'd leave. I wasn't good enough for him anymore either.” His voice broke here and the dusty afternoon sunlight seeping into the library highlighted the anguish currently residing in the mahogany eyes.

“I disappoint everyone here too. All the professors think I have no plan after graduation. I can feel the sighs and the stares on my back. All of them whispering about what a waste to the family name I am.” His voice hardened slightly. “That's why I changed my name. To get away from that. Can't outrun your past, I guess.” The harsh laugh he let out echoed in her chest. That sentiment was uncomfortably familiar. 

By the time a week had gone by Rey had dropped all pretenses of ignoring him. Every time he began speaking she stopped whatever she was doing. She'd glance at him periodically out of the corner of her eye, hesitant to make eye contact, but invested enough to risk it. 

“I remember I had this stuffed animal hippogriff as a kid. I used to take it everywhere with me, and tell people I took care of it like my dad did with all his at his work. Drove my mom nuts. That was the one stain on her career, being married to a hippogriff breeder. She didn't care, she always had a soft spot for him. That didn't mean she wanted her heir apparent following him, though.”

“When I was nine I started going to see this therapist. My mom called him a counselor. Whatever. She and my dad were afraid I was some kind of Obscurus, my magic was getting so bad. So I started going to these meetings. They started fine, he let me talk. But he was a family friend and he started in on the 'keeping my family safe' spiel. Never me. Just them.”

“My parents had no idea what to do with me when I came home after my first year. I was obsessed with what I learned but I refused to do any magic. They thought it was connected to my accidental magic at first. They'd do things for me, like charm my laundry to fold itself. I'd get so upset.” He locked eyes with her, a half smile appearing on his face. “I had this whole idea that using magic for shit like that was a waste. That it was more valuable than that. Some things you never outgrow.” His voice dropped a note at the end, his gaze knowing. She remembered a conversation with him in February, when she'd told him that she still got overwhelmed by the reality of magic. _There's nothing wrong with appreciating magic, Rey._ She wondered if he was remembering it, too. 

The following day was a Friday and Rey decided to take a break from the library. She wanted to spend some time with her friends, and the looming weekend that she could fill with studying assuaged her guilty conscience. Exams were just over three weeks away and everyone was in full-on review mode, so there wasn't a whole lot of actual work to do besides going back over eight months' worth of notes.

On another note, she also wanted a breather to remind herself just how angry she was at Ben. How ironic, she thought, that he was now making himself so vulnerable and available when that was all she'd asked for all year. The picture the puzzle pieces were creating was a tragic one, though. She disagreed vehemently with his methods to protect himself, but she thought she could understand the distrust behind them. 

Rose wasn't privy to all the details he shared. After two days Rey had stopped detailing what Ben talked about, feeling that it was meant for her ears only. Rose begrudgingly agreed, but made sure to check in with Rey every night when she returned. Rey would give her a general idea of the topic he'd broached, and they'd leave it at that. 

The afternoon spent with Rose, Finn, and Poe was desperately needed. Finn and Poe's relationship had graduated to hugs, kisses on the cheek that left both of them alarmingly red, and nauseatingly cute smiles. Rose spent a large majority of her time harassing them over said affections, and by the time they ventured to dinner together Finn appeared to have a permanent stutter. 

When Rey returned to the Hufflepuff common room with Rose after dinner, she was promptly dragged into their room and to the edge of Rose's bed. 

“You're not mad at him anymore. Why aren't you mad at him anymore?” Rose's tone was incredulous as she studied Rey like she was a particularly unusual Potions ingredient. 

“I am, really. I mean, there's a lot more to him than I even imagined. But what he did was horrible and unforgivable.”

“Who, exactly, are you trying to convince?” Rose's voice softened but her gaze did not. Rey felt small under it.

“Here's the thing, Rey. I'm afraid you're letting him off the hook because you don't think you're important enough for it to matter. I'm worried that you think it's not a huge deal because it's just you he hurt. There is no 'just you,' you're worth more than that. Ask Finn, or Poe, or Jannah, or anyone else who knows you. Any of the teachers. So I don't want you just letting him off the hook.” She paused, allowing her words to sink in. Rey swallowed thickly. She wanted so badly to shrink from Rose's assessment, but she knew it was partially correct. Her self-worth was something she struggled with.

“But if that's not the case...” Rose was nearly whispering, her voice was so soft. “If you think you can accept how horrible what he did to you was and forgive it, I don't think it's my place to stand in the way.” Rose's fist was clenched.

“I'm not ready to forgive him. I really don't know if I ever will. I'm still angry at him. But... I kind of understand why it got that far. It doesn't excuse anything, but he... he assumes the worst. Always.” Rey gave a half-shrug. 

“I don't like it, but I'm going to trust you on this one, Rey.” 

Saturday found Rey firmly ensconced in the library once more, kept company by staggering amounts of notes. The morning went by quietly and Ben left briefly around lunchtime. Rey felt a brief wave of jealousy but pulled out a stash of snacks, not wanting to waste any available time. She couldn't imagine how Ben was feeling getting ready for OWLs if she was this stressed for third-year exams.

He returned twenty minutes later loaded down with food. He must have a deal with Madame Pince, she thought, as there was no way he got through the door unnoticed. 

“What kind of sandwiches?” She snapped out of her study-induced stupor.

“Huh?”

“What kind of sandwiches do you like?” She blinked.

“Um, I don't really have a preference.”

“I have ham and cheese, bacon, and peanut butter and pickle.” She couldn't help but scrunch her nose. “What? I like them.” His defensive tone nearly made her laugh.

“Bacon, please.” He walked over to her, holding a sack loaded with sandwiches and crisps with his arm extended as if he were appeasing a wild animal. She vaguely remembered doing the same to him the first week of school. She murmured her thanks as she took it from him and the two ate in silence before returning to their studies. 

“My mom was so upset when I started using Solo instead of Organa. I think she always assumed I'd straighten up and decide to follow in her footsteps. The name change was kind of the final nail in the coffin when she gave up on me. Since then I've just been the disappointment she tries to avoid talking about.” The bitterness in his tone tugged at Rey. 

Rey didn't make it to the library until the afternoon on Sunday, having spent the morning in a group study session with Finn, Poe, Rose, and a few of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. The Slytherin girl Rey had talked to over Easter break, Zorii, also joined in. Ben was fully absorbed in his studies when she arrived, and it took a while before he said anything.

“I can't remember either of my parents actually asking what I want to do. My dad just avoided it and would tell me that my future was my mom's deal and he didn't want to interfere.” He paused and pulled another book out of his bag. “They don't even know which classes I like. Just the ones I have the best grades in.” 

On Monday afternoon Rey left for her standing appointment with Professor Snape. As soon as she walked through the door Snape could tell she had something weighing heavily on her mind and ordered tea from a house elf. She contemplated the cup in her hands for a few minutes before speaking, and Snape let her take her time.

“If someone does something really horrible to you, how soon is it okay to forgive them? If it ever is?” Snape's eyes seemed to go distant for a minute, and his expression dropped into one of melancholy as he refocused on her.

“I would assume you know enough about recent history to understand my role in the war. What you most likely do not know is that I have been on both sides of the dilemma you've brought forth, and my failures in the initial situation helped lead directly to the latter one. You see, forgiveness has very little to do with the person being forgiven, and to think that it does leads one down paths that are difficult from which to recover.” Professor Snape never spoke about himself, and the rare occasion had Rey leaning forward in her seat and listening with every fiber of her being.

“To forgive is to recognize the pain that has been inflicted upon you and accept that it does not define you, nor is it the driving force behind your actions. When you choose to forgive someone, you are releasing your hold on that pain and allowing it to become part of your past rather than your present. To that end, if you choose not to forgive someone, you do not allow yourself to move on, and that can be the most damning decision of all.” Rey watched, fascinated, as his eyes seemed to look through her again, his gaze becoming distant.

“I made the decision to hold onto the pain that was inflicted upon me during my school years. I allowed it to fester and grow, and eventually overtake the rest of me. That led to my making very poor decisions as a young man. Even when I was compelled to atone for those decisions, I did not let go, and spent quite a large period of my life miserable. The people I needed to forgive did not survive the war. In some cases, they did not survive the first war. Yet the only thing that mattered was my letting go of the resentment and anger that had built up, whether the recipients were there to receive it or not.” Snape took a long sip of his own tea before leaning back in his chair to continue.

“Now, I don't know your situation. Mine is quite an extreme example, but I thought it prudent to demonstrate the consequences of your decisions. Above all, forgiveness is about you. It does not have to mean anything about your relationship with the person in question. You are not required to repair whatever the relationship is, or spend time with this person. Does this help?”

“Yes. I... my friend Rose is worried that I might forgive him too soon because I'm used to being hurt and, well, don't value myself enough, as she put it.” Rey bit her lip, unsure if she was articulating her thoughts well enough.

“I appreciate the sentiment, and she is correct. Your self-worth is important, and I'm glad to hear you have people around you to remind you of that. However, I want you to start thinking about forgiveness only in terms of yourself. The idea of putting a timeline to it implies that the offender must repay you or do something to deserve it, when in fact that doesn't matter at all. Can you do that?”

Rey found herself nodding. Her mind was racing, full of Snape's words intermingled with flashes of Ben in the library laying himself bare. She had a lot to think through. 

“Yeah, I think I can. I'm going to work on it.” 

The conversation transitioned to something lighter after that, Snape asking her how she was feeling about the upcoming exams and if she was particularly worried about any subjects. By the time she left she had an hour and a half before dinner so she headed towards the library.

Ben's eyes were on her from the moment she entered, tracking her with apprehension. Even after she'd sat down and started on her studying, he didn't go back to what he was doing. It took close to fifteen minutes before he resumed studying, and he continued glancing at her every minute or so, as if he expected her to start the conversation. She snorted quietly. He was going to be waiting a long time.

Rey left the library with only minutes to spare before dinner, having waited until the last possible moment. She assumed he would continue his pattern of telling her a little something every day, but nothing ever came. She tried to tamp down the disappointment and hollow feeling in her gut as she walked to the Great Hall. 

That night as Rey lay in bed, her mind slightly calmer after her daily meditation, she reflected back on what Snape had told her. If she was being honest with herself, she was a little relieved by his assessment, having started to feel guilty about her evolving sentiment towards Ben. Rose had become so protective of her, and it was sweet. But it also left her feeling as though she was wrong for appreciating Ben's new vulnerability.

Maybe she could forgive him, she mused. According to Snape that didn't mean they had to make amends. She could listen to his anecdotes without feeling as though she had to remind herself to stay mad. She could let it go and move forward with her newfound knowledge in the field of Occlumency. She wondered if it really was that simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally start getting snippets of Ben's past! This won't be it, there will be a more cohesive picture as time goes on, I promise. I'm really pleased with the way I'm been able to start tying the Snape storyline in with the dynamic between Rey and Ben, even if he doesn't know it. 
> 
> There should be about three more chapters to the end of this school year, maybe four. I will continue fully writing out any more snippets Ben tells Rey about his past so that you guys can hear it too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, I have a new chapter! I have a part-time job in the fall, and it just started back up this past weekend. My weekends get super busy, so I had a few days where I couldn't write, and then I hit a major block. I've been struggling with this chapter all week, and finally got back to a good writing headspace! Hoping to work like crazy on chapter 15 tonight too! I am so sorry for the wait, I'm hoping to get back to pretty much daily updates but the weekends will probably be slow, especially Saturdays. 
> 
> I've been using music to help get in the zone writing, and I'm one of those people who listens to songs on repeat for hours, haha. I've lately been vibing to Kygo, specifically Not Alone for this chapter. That and Gavin DeGraw's Not Over You have been my main mood creators since the Legilimency scene.

By Tuesday afternoon Rey had forgotten about her musings from the day before, having nearly sprinted to the library as soon as classes finished to start reviewing. Professor Flitwick had hinted very strongly that Cheering Charms would feature heavily in their exams, and it was one of the charms that Rey was weakest in. 

She thew herself into her chair in a flurry of activity as she pulled out her notes, cursing under her breath about her luck. He success was absolutely hit-or-miss on this particular charm, and usually correlated directly to her mood. By her calculations, that meant she had about a zero percent chance of casting it successfully in the middle of a stressful exam.

About fifteen minutes later her eye caught Ben's as she stretched her neck to the side. He was staring at her curiously, and she quickly averted her gaze back to her textbook that was now open in front of her, the pages slightly worse for wear from her rifling through them. 

“You okay?” She froze. Her mind helpfully flashed back to the last time he'd said that phrase to her, just days after she'd first caught a good look at what lay beneath his exterior thanks to her Ancient Runes homework. She could almost imagine they were back there, before Easter break, were it not for the quiet tension that lay between them and the guarded feeling that now surrounded Rey.

She nodded.

“You need help?” How ironic, she thought, that their roles had apparently switched and now he was the one trying to draw her out. She swallowed.

“Okay.”

He stood up and walked over to her, measured, his wand left on his table. Her heart quickened and she wasn't sure if she wanted his proximity or dreaded it. 

“What are you working on?” His tone was low, soothing. 

“Cheering Charm. Um. Flitwick said it will definitely be on the exam and I'm terrible at it.” She kept her eyes trained on him, averted enough to avoid his gaze but not willing to let him out of her line of sight.

He grimaced, his lips pressing together before he sighed. 

“I hate Charms.” She wasn't entirely sure the words were meant for her, the mutter under his breath. “All right, so what do you have trouble with?” His question was back to the low tone he'd addressed her with before, and she forced herself to focus on the subject at hand.

“I, uh...” She felt mildly embarrassed admitting her struggles, and she had no idea why. She hadn't when he'd helped her before. “I can only do it right when I'm... cheerful, I guess.” She caught a tiny curve of his lip at her words, and she was ready to confront him when it occurred to her he wasn't laughing at her. The tiny smile dropped as soon as it had appeared and a frown replaced it, his forehead wrinkling slightly as he mused.

She kept her eyes trained on him, reminding herself that it was because she didn't trust him as her eyes followed the fingertips tracing the line of his jaw. His eyes flickered and his frown deepened before he addressed her again. 

“How do you feel after you cast it correctly?” Her face mirrored his, a frown taking over her features as she tried to think back. 

“Less happy, I guess. I'm not really sure. Maybe a little tired? Why?” 

“I think you might be projecting your own emotion into the charm instead of creating it from around you.” She must have looked confused, as he immediately continued. “For the majority of magic at this stage, you should be manipulating the magic and energy in the air around you for your spells. You use your own abilities and the magic in you, yes, but the major energy draw should be from the environment. There's magic in everything, what makes you a witch is your ability to access it. You follow?” 

She blinked at his sudden question. She started to nod, then hesitated, turning over his words in her head. She tried to envision what he meant. He watched her face, noticing her confusion.

“Okay, hang on. You know the muggle science you talked about?” She nodded. “Think of it sort of like that. Atoms, molecules. All of them have magic in them, right? It's always there, whether someone can use it or not. That's what makes someone a witch or wizard, the ability to use the magic. Of course, you have magic in you too, but not nearly as much as there is available in the world around you.” 

She tried to picture what he was explaining and nodded. Apparently satisfied by her expression, he continued.

“Most of your lower level spells you learn in the lower years and even up through fifth year require you to use the magic around you. When you cast a spell, you're kind of drawing that magic toward you to power the spell. You're not supposed to use your own magic until later for spells that are designed that way. You've heard of the Patronus Charm?” Her mind raced as she tried to keep pace with him. She tried to ignore the way his voice now held a note of fascination as he talked. It reminded her too much of the last time he had helped her.

“For dementors?” He seemed pleased with her recognition.

“Right. That one's taught in fifth year, and it's notoriously hard. The reason is it's the first major spell you're taught that uses your own magic, so it takes a lot of energy and power. Wandless magic also uses just personal magic, which is why it's so difficult to cast even the most basic spell.”

Rey could clearly envision what he meant now. She thought about the Patronus Charm that she'd read about, that was powered by the caster's happy memories. She could imagine how that would require the caster's own magic that was inside them rather than that around them. She was still unclear on one thing, however.

“That makes sense. I can picture it now. But uhh... how does that relate to my terrible Cheering Charm?” She bit her lip, hoping he didn't think she was ungrateful for the information. He grinned.

“Because you're accidentally using some of your own magic to cast it.” She stared at him.

“How am I doing that?”

“Not sure. I'm guessing it's just a little bit, or you wouldn't be able to do it at all. It takes a ton of energy to cast something that way. So you're probably letting your feelings and a little magic bleed through, and that's why you're tired and less happy after. And why you can't do it unless you're happy.” He talked through it slowly, as if narrating his thoughts as they came to him. She could hear how engrossed he was in her difficulties, trying to piece the puzzle together. 

“How do I fix it?” She felt fairly useless at this point, but he was clearly enjoying the challenge. Suddenly his posture shifted, his shoulders shrinking inward and his whole stance indicating he didn't want to be here. 

“Do you, um, do you... meditate?” Suddenly she understood his discomfort. Meditation was the key technique the Occlumency book he had sent her focused on. Answering the question felt an awful lot like admitting something she wasn't sure she wanted to yet. 

“Yes.” She felt his eyes studying her for a long moment before he cleared his throat quietly. 

“You know how it has you focus inwards? Ignore everything around you?”

“Yes.” 

“Try feeling the opposite. Focus on everything around you. It might help to practice outside. If it's windy or the temperature is too warm or cold the feeling might help you focus on the air and environment more.” He shrugged. “Just an idea, really. I'm not sure if it will help you get the focus. Anyway, when you cast you need to think about your wand collecting the magic from around you. That's generally not something you want to focus on this early on, it's pretty a complex idea and saved for upper years, but I think it will help you.” 

“Okay.”

“Okay.” 

Suddenly the bubble that had developed around them during his lesson burst, and the uneasiness that had become their constant companion returned. He clearly felt it too, shoving his hands into his pockets and backing away a few steps before returning to his own seat where he quickly buried himself in his own work. 

It wasn't until they'd returned to the library after dinner that something occurred to Rey. 

“I thought you hated Charms.” His head snapped up in surprise at her voice.

“I do.” She felt one eyebrow raise infinitesimally. 

“Didn't seem like it.” He ducked his head, eyes staring unseeing at the textbook in front of him.

“That's not Charms, that's general magical theory. It applies to all magic.” 

“And you don't hate that.” 

“Not at all.” Her eyebrows nearly left her forehead at his reverential tone. As she watched his face, the lines softened and disappeared and it occurred to her how incredible it was that someone as intuitive as Leia Organa could so badly miss her own son's passions. 

“Why do you hate Charms?” She kept her tone soft, trying not to disturb the peace that had once again settled around them.

“They're pointless. Most charms do something for a person that they could do themselves with a little more time and effort. They're the spells people use without thinking about it.” The reverence had disappeared from his voice, replaced by a bitterness that reminded Rey of something he'd said the week prior.

“A waste of magic.” He glanced up at her.

“You were listening.” Surprise echoed across his features. She nodded. 

He turned back to his work and she did the same. This time, the comfortable feeling remained.

…...........................

After classes finished on Wednesday Rey decided to forego the library for the evening, joining Rose in the common room instead. After the past few days she wanted a breather to get some perspective on how she was feeling about Ben the last few weeks. Recently it had started to seem inevitable that they would move past his mistakes, and she wasn't sure if she was completely ready for that. 

She and Rose studied silently together until dinner, and then returned to their spots immediately after. Rey began working on her meditation, or reverse meditation, as she was thinking of it. She didn't want to try the charm again yet, but instead focused on imagining magic in the air around her, and how it might move and act if she could see it. 

“What are you doing?” Rose's curiosity startled Rey, and she opened her eyes to see Rose staring inquisitively at her hands, which were stretched out into the air around her. She immediately dropped them to her sides and laughed lightly to herself.

“Working on my Cheering Charm. It's... a long story.” 

“That translates to 'it involves Ben.'”

“Well... yeah.” Rose's eyes narrowed.

“Go on.”

“I was stressed yesterday about it after Flitwick basically threatened us and Ben helped me. Figured out what I was doing wrong.” She shrugged as if to prove to Rose, and probably herself, that it wasn't a big deal. 

“We're coming back to _that_ in a minute. For now, explain to me why you're waving your arms around the room with your eyes closed to help your Cheering Charm.” Rey giggled at the description, and Rose soon joined her. It took several moments for the two to quiet down and the amusement was still clear in Rey's voice when she started speaking.

“Apparently I'm using my inner magic to cast it instead of the magic in the air? I don't know quite how to explain it. He was better at it.” Rose's eyebrow flicked upwards at her last sentence.

“Huh. And that's why you suck at it?”

“Excuse you!” Rose caught the pillow that flew at her head. “And yes. I guess it's really hard to do it that way so I can't. So now I'm supposed to work on imagining the magic around me so I can use that instead. I get the idea but I have no idea if I'm doing it right.” She shrugged again.

“'Supposed to?' You seem to be taking an awful lot of advice from someone you're so mad at.” Rose's quiet observation made Rey feel like she could see straight through her.

“I was maybe a stressed out disaster, and he offered. I don't know, I wasn't totally comfortable I guess. But he just helped me with the charm and the ideas and then went back to his work.” Rose continued to stare at her. “I talked to Snape. About... Ben.”

“You told him what happened?” Rose straightened up immediately.

“Sort of. Not the specifics, or who it was. We talked a lot about mistakes and forgiveness and like, his own past. He was... really open. It helped, I think.”

“That's good, I'm glad you talked to someone else.” Rose's soft smile made Rey feel warm. She really was so lucky to have a friend like Rose.

…...........................

“I like Potions. It's so different from every other branch of magic. Manipulating the magical properties of the ingredients but only by combining them with others. Everything is such a delicate balance. You have to pay attention, you have to care.” He let out a gusting breath as if releasing tension he'd been holding in his chest. “Sometimes it's not even about the result. Just brewing something can teach you so much about the magic you're working with.”

Rey wasn't sure if she'd ruin the moment by answering him. He'd started talking suddenly, an hour into her study session after classes. Just like the previous two weeks, he didn't look at her as he spoke.

“But you like Ancient Runes more.” She peeked up at him out of the corner of her eye. A small smile flickered across his lips.

“I like anything that requires thoughtfulness, concentration. Branches of magic that force you to appreciate them. Where you can keep discovering new things, new meanings, where you can experiment. You can do that with Potions too, but Ancient Runes is safer.” She caught the amusement in his voice and glanced up to meet his wry grin. She couldn't help but mirror it with a grin of her own.

“What else?” He cocked his head to the side, confused. A lock of his hair fell across his cheek and she ignored the knot forming in her stomach. How unfair, she thought, that she finally got to see this side of Ben now that she couldn't trust him.

“What else do you like? Or hate?” She kept her tone light, attempting to balance the depth of the conversation.

“Care of Magical Creatures.” She felt a thread of surprise.

“You take it? I hadn't realized...” She trailed off, realizing she didn't know what exactly he did take for electives. Not that it mattered, really.

“No. Never have. Reminds me of my dad too much.” He cut himself off and swallowed before burying himself in his notes. The knot that had been pleasantly twisting in her stomach suddenly turned leaden and she wished she hadn't asked. She had yet to figure out what exactly had ruined his relationship with his father, but she hated to remind him of it. 

…...........................

“My dad was around less and less as I got older. It used to be short trips. He'd go check in with the people he had working for him in Austria but only for a couple days. Once or twice a year he'd go on longer trips. My mom hated those ones.” 

Rey sat completely still, unsure if he was done. She left her quill on her book where she'd placed it when he started talking, worried she'd disturb him if she made any move.

“I used to go on the short trips with him. All the time. I'd bring that stupid hippogriff toy with me and spend the whole trip telling him I was going to be just like him. He'd tell me not to tell my mom that, and smirk at me. I thought it was this great inside joke we had. Once I got older I figured out he wasn't joking.”

She couldn't help but picture a young Ben, lanky and awkward, following his dad. She bit her lip to hide the grin at the image.

“I was eight the first time I lost control. It wasn't even my magic that started it, I don't think. I just got angry. And then I couldn't calm down. Next thing I knew, half the furniture in the living room was in pieces and my mom and dad were looking at me like they didn't know me.”

The library had long since ceased to exist around them, and the bubble they were ensconced in now felt dangerously short on oxygen. 

“Dad never took me with him again. He made all these excuses about how it was too dangerous for me because he had to stay longer this time, or whatever. He did stay longer. And he went more often. By the time I left for Hogwarts he was home maybe a couple days a month. My mom cried every single time he left.” 

Rey could see his hands shaking lightly from where she sat, and she watched as he slowly deflated, clearly finished talking. The air came rushing back to the space between them and Rey swallowed and let out a shaky breath. The young Ben in her mind now watched with his mother as his father left, and they both cried. She wanted to cry with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're getting there, day by day. Ben has a LOT to make up for but luckily for him it's Rey and we all know what a big heart she has.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, guys, I struggled with this one! Something about where I'm at in this story is really slowing me down, so this one took quite a while to come together in a way I was satisfied with. On a positive note, it is by far the longest chapter yet, so that's something at least! Lots happening here and in the next few as we wrap up Rey's third year. I'm going to keep chugging along, and hopefully this next one won't take a week, but who knows. Hope you enjoy!

It was less than twelve hours between the time Rey left the library Friday night and when she returned to it Saturday morning. Her first exam was just ten days away and she couldn't forget, even if she wanted to. Transfiguration was first, so she was starting to focus more on that than other subjects, planning to do a final revision of each subject in order. 

It wasn't that Rey was worried about passing. She knew she'd pass. Her worries revolved around the same point they always did, choices. No matter how much her meetings with Snape this term had helped, Rey still found herself afraid of narrowing down her options for her future. She desperately wanted to excel in her subjects to keep as many possibilities open as she could. 

Rey was less willing to admit that it was also a matter of not wanting to disappoint her teachers. It was probably unwise, she knew, to put pressure on herself to excel in all her subjects to gain the approval of her professors. They had hundreds of students after all, and it wasn't their fault Rey had far too few adult figures in her life. The niggling fear that a poor exam performance would cause them to give up on her was ridiculous, but persistent.

Ben glanced up and watched her as she walked in and set up her books and study materials. She could feel his eyes on her, but pretended not to notice, instead choosing to pull out her book to start skimming through.

“How's your Cheering Charm going?” The soft question sounded curious. Rey looked up to see him once again cocking his head to the side in the way she was learning he did when he was inquisitive about something.

“I think I get the feel of what you're talking about. I've been working on trying to feel the magic in the air. Or imagine it, anyway.” 

“Is the Charm better?”

“I haven't tried it yet, I've just been working on the meditation type stuff.” Ben suddenly stood up and purposefully strode over to her. She tensed slightly at his sudden proximity. He reached for her and she flinched back violently.

“Come with me.” His voice was bright and excited. Her eyes narrowed. 

“Where? Why?” 

“To practice. Come on, we'll get in trouble if we start practicing here.” She stayed still.

“I'm good.” His brow wrinkled in confusion.

“What? No, you have to practice.” He reached his palm toward her again, waiting. She didn't move. He stepped closer to her so his hand was only inches from her and alarm coursed through her.

“I'm not going anywhere with you.” The words were hissed with more vitriol than she intended, but her fear bled into her tone. He snatched his hand back and his eyes widened briefly before they filled with shame.

“Right. Sorry, I... right.” He spun on his heel and moved back to his seat, hunching over his books far more than necessary. The hurt visible in his frame enraged Rey. 

“How dare you,” she seethed. Her nostrils flared as she tried to keep her breathing under control. His shoulders stiffened at her words and he slowly looked up to meet her gaze. The minute their eyes met his seemed to shutter and his old masks snapped into place.

“You have the nerve to act like _I_ hurt _you_? You don't get to do that.” Rey was shaking by this point as Ben failed to react to her words and instead gathered his books and started throwing them into his bag.

“Where are you going?” She was nearly shouting now, her voice hoarse from trying to stay under control and she could see Ben's shoulders tense even further.

“You don't want me here.” 

“Oh, no. You don't get to run away.” He met her eyes then, confusion seeping through the cracks in his mask. He stood stock still, his hands hanging by his sides. The seconds ticked by and he shoved his hands into his pockets before gently sliding back into his seat, never removing his gaze from her. 

“I'm the one who gets to be hurt, Ben. Not you. I thought we were becoming friends.” Her voice cracked as the anger merged with her pent-up anguish. The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I wanted to know you, the real you. I thought -” The sobs were building in her throat, and she'd be damned if she let him see her cry. She pushed them back down. “And you destroyed it. Everything. And you hurt me.” She barely got the words out, so close was she to losing control. She ran.

Rey didn't realize her mistake until she reached the shore of the Black Lake, suddenly aware of the lightness on her shoulders. Her bag, along with all of her books, was still in the library. She swore under her breath. Maybe she could ask Rose to go get it for her. 

By the time Rey felt centered enough to return to the castle it was lunchtime. Rose was already sitting down with Rey's bag next to her and as soon as she saw her she made room.

“You okay? What's going on? Ben asked me to give this to you because he said you wouldn't want to see him...” Rose's short explanation was dripping with worry and Rey smiled softly to reassure her.

“I'm fine. We just... had an argument. He wanted me to go somewhere to practice Charms with him and I kind of freaked out and yelled at him.” Rose's expression turned thoughtful and she bit her lip.

“That's good, Rey. It's good that you got it out. He needs to know how much he hurt you.” Rey shrugged and stared down at her plate.

“I didn't exactly explain my feelings that much. I just yelled at him because he was upset that I didn't trust him and when he tried to leave I yelled at him for that too.” She could feel a tiny grin pulling at her lips as she recalled his bewildered face. “He looked so confused. Oh god, I almost feel bad now.” 

“No, don't feel bad at all. You totally had a right to yell at him.” The serious tone Rose was trying to inject in her words was undermined by the small snort she couldn't hold back. “I'm sorry, it's not funny.” She sobered up and turned to Rey. “It really isn't. I'm glad you said some of how you're feeling. You said he's opening up about his family and himself, now. Maybe he shouldn't be doing all the talking. You could actually tell him just how much he hurt you, you know. If you're going to forgive him and move past this -” She held up a hand to fend off Rey's interruption “And don't even argue because I know you are – you really need to have that conversation.”

Rey softly closed her mouth, knowing Rose was right. Right about needing to have that conversation, and right about Rey forgiving him.

…...........................

Rey didn't return to the library over the weekend, instead choosing to study with her friends. Even Finn and Poe were taking their reviews seriously, although their materials were decidedly less organized than the girls'. 

Once they'd exhausted themselves by Sunday afternoon, they broke up their study session and left to wander around the grounds. Finn put a hand on Rey's arm and waited for Poe and Rose to walk a ways ahead of them before he turned to her.

“What are your summer plans?” His question was soft, concerned. Finn understood, she knew.

“Just going back to London.” If she was talking to Rose, or really anyone else, Rey might have shrugged as if that sentence didn't have a weight to it. As if the looming break didn't bring the empty feelings of loneliness rushing back to the forefront. 

“Let me talk to Poe. I'm sure you could come stay with us.” After the success of last summer's vacation to Greece, the Damerons had invited Finn to come stay at their house this summer. She shook her head.

“I don't want to intrude.” Somehow, the possibility of being around a family whose world she wouldn't feel a part of sounded worse than being actually alone. 

“You wouldn't be intruding at all. I want you there, so does Poe. And you met his dad, he loved you. I'm sure he'd like having you there too.” She smiled, appreciating Finn's efforts. It could be great, she mused. But then the possibilities in her head changed. She saw herself surrounded by a family unit she didn't know, who didn't know her. Who didn't know that their talk of family only reminded her of the one she didn't have. Who didn't know how overwhelming she still found this whole world she'd found herself in. 

“Thanks, really. But you enjoy your summer with your boyfriend.” She couldn't help the laugh that escaped when a blush deepened the color of his cheeks. “I'll be fine in London. I don't spend much time at the orphanage, anyway.” Finn nodded and they settled into a comfortable silence as they trailed behind Rose and Poe.

“Hey, so Rose mentioned there's some guy who was a jerk to you? Do I need to fight him?” The look in Finn's eye was so painfully serious that Rey burst out laughing. He immediately looked offended.

“I'm sorry, no. Please don't fight him.” Her giggles trailed off, then returned in full force as her mind supplied her an image of Finn trying to face down Ben Solo. “Really, no fighting.”

“Who is it?”

“I'm not telling you now!”

“No fighting, I promise. Who is it, Rey?” What the hell.

“Ben Solo.”

“Yeah, no thanks. I don't want to die.” Rey pulled on Finn's arm as he pretended to turn around and leave, trying to quell the laughter that was threatening to return. He fell back into step next to her. 

“How do you know him, anyway? He's a fifth year.” His question was innocent enough, his expression curious, but Rey couldn't stop the slight blush.

“He's always in the library. We talk.” 

“What'd he do?” Finn was gracious enough to ignore her pink cheeks, something she was immensely grateful for. 

“We've been talking on and off this year and I thought we were kind of friends, and then he – well, he didn't trust me and kind of blew up about it.” She didn't need more people aware of what had actually gone on. That would just mean more people pressing her to turn him in, and by now she'd fully accepted the fact that she had no intention of ever doing so.

“Idiot. Everyone knows you're the nicest person here.” She smiled at Finn's words.

…...........................

“Have you put any more thought into what we discussed last week?” Rey was sat in Snape's office on Monday afternoon, feeling no less conflicted than she had the week before. 

“Um, yeah. I was feeling less confused, I suppose. But then he, uh, he got upset that I wouldn't trust him. And I yelled at him?” Rey glanced up at Snape, who motioned for her to go on. She told him about how Ben had helped her and then later in the week acted so hurt when she was still wary of him. Throughout the explanation she was careful not to use names or specifics that would give his identity, or his crimes, away. She refused to question her unwillingness to get him in trouble.

After a pause, she continued, deciding to tell Snape about her conversation with Rose. He nodded, lips turning up in a facsimile of a smile.

“She's very wise. You should have that conversation. It will be difficult, and probably painful, but necessary for you to move on.” Rey nodded in response and they sat in silence for a minute before moving on to the topic of exams.

After the meeting ended, Rey steeled herself and returned to the library. She avoided eye contact with Ben, who was there as always, and went straight to her seat. His voice, therefore, startled her.

“I'm sorry.” Rey's head snapped up. Ben was sitting still in his seat, eyes trained on her. “I shouldn't have pushed you. I had no right.” She waded through the choppy sentences in her mind, fully aware by this point that Ben completely lost his ability to vocalize what he wanted to when he was upset. 

She nodded slowly, her gaze flicking back up to meet his tumultuous eyes. His masks seemed to be down again, and he looked exhausted. It suddenly occurred to her that OWLs had begun today, and he must have been in exams for hours. She wanted to tell him it was okay, but she didn't. It wasn't. She realized that Snape and Rose were right. They desperately needed to have a long conversation if they were ever to move forward. Not today, though. Rey opened her books.

…...........................

Tuesday afternoon, Ben started talking almost as soon as she walked into the library.

“I met Hux when I was seven years old. My mom set up an afternoon because I didn't really have many friends. She knew his dad through the Ministry.” His voice was strained, and Rey watched him curiously as he stared a hole through the table in front of him. 

“He was... not like he is now. We had a good time, played games, laughed. I don't remember clearly. Anyways, we were friends after that. Usually saw each other once every week or two. Sometimes I'd go to his house, sometimes he'd come to mine. He could be uptight, but he wasn't a jerk.”

He paused here, and Rey waited patiently. She was trying to imagine a Hux that wasn't an intolerable arse, but truthfully she was having a hard time. She'd have to take his word for it.

“About a year later my anger problems started. I mean, it had been there before. Below the surface. But that was the first time my magic went nuts. That was when my mom started talking about how I needed to be prepared for a career in her footsteps. When my dad left me behind.”

Rey's heart lurched on his last sentence, the phrasing burning a hole through her. She knew that pain. 

“Hux stayed. He was still my friend. That was really what kept me okay, I think. I started seeing that therapist, who told me I couldn't disappoint my family. I started going to all my mom's parties so she could get me 'into the social circle' or whatever. She was so excited that people seemed to like me. I never had the heart to tell her they only ever asked about her.” He took a shaky breath.

“Things started to go wrong when we got to Hogwarts. We were so excited to go to school together, to be living in the castle together. Then he got sorted into Slytherin and I went to Ravenclaw. We were still friends, it was just different. I don't know.” Rey was unabashedly staring now, watching the way his jaw tensed as he thought over his next words.

“It was fine, really, for the first two years. He seemed a little more distant, but I assumed it was because we were in different houses and he was making other friends. I didn't trust anyone else, after that first week I was here. They all kept asking about my mom so I knew better.” Rey was reminded of Ben telling her he didn't hate everyone. She thought of the facade he showed the rest of the school, the cold contempt that radiated off of him. She felt her throat tighten as the pieces fell together.

“My mom always liked Hux. He knew even when he was a kid that he wanted to work in the Ministry and she loved that. When he got a little older she started mentoring him. Was easier than dealing with me, anyway.” He hadn't moved an inch, still staring at the table in front of him. 

“He came over I think two days after we got home. And he was telling my mom all about how he wished there was a government elective he could have taken at Hogwarts. She got this huge grin and asked him what he was taking, and then told him that she'd see what she could do to help him.” If she looked closely, she could see one of his hands was trembling slightly. He cleared his throat.

“About a month later I went over to his place one day and when I got there he was totally different. Just... cold. Told me my mom had promised she'd get him an internship in the Ministry when he was older, how happy she was to have someone who wanted to follow in her footsteps. Then he told me he was done pretending to like me. That he didn't need me around anymore.”

His sentences were rushed as he hurried to get all the words out. Rey became aware of her own hands clasped on the armrests of her chair, knuckles white. 

“Ben -”

“Don't.” The singular harsh word stopped her, silenced her words of reassurance. She continued to watch him. Eventually he lifted his head, painfully slowly, meeting her eyes with his own haunted stare. Rey refused to flinch, holding the gaze. She wasn't sure if minutes passed, or hours. Eventually Ben looked down, pulling his work back towards him. Rey followed suit.

Wednesday evening passed in silence in the library. Ben never said a word, never even seemed to acknowledge Rey, yet the silence wasn't stifling. Rey had six days until her first exam, and she was now into her reviews for the second week. Her plan was to finish every subject by the weekend so she would have time on Monday for one last run through her Transfiguration notes for the Tuesday morning test.

She packed up just minutes before curfew and paused for a second, wondering if Ben would say anything, or begin to gather his own books at the very least. He did neither, continuing to work through whatever he had in front of him. Rey wondered what the OWLs must be like for the rest of the school's population if they were this harrowing for someone as effortlessly talented as Ben. She picked up her bag and left quietly.

Thursday morning brought raucous celebration before Rey even made it out of her bed. She opened her eyes to Rose jumping onto the foot of her bed and yelling “Happy birthday!” as loudly as humanly possible, much to the chagrin of the rest of the room's occupants. Rey groaned and rolled over.

“Nooo, it's too early. Shhhh.” She groaned as she pulled herself out of bed, making shushing motions in Rose's direction. Her friend relented, allowing Rey to get dressed in peace before they made their way to the Great Hall. Finn and Poe joined them shortly after at the Hufflepuff table, Finn holding a package tied with yellow ribbon. She glanced at it and he grinned before putting it behind his back. 

“Nope, birthday rules, you know. Eat first!” Rose giggled from beside her and she rolled her eyes before settling into her breakfast. By the time she was done eating, Jannah had passed a small parcel over to her and another had arrived by owl. Rey looked between her friends, confused, but they seemed as curious as she was. 

Shrugging, she reached for the package from Jannah, opening it to find a collection of sweets from Honeydukes. Rey beamed over the table at the girl, thanking her profusely as she tore open a Cauldron Cake and popped it in her mouth. Moving on, she grabbed the one that had been delivered by owl next, wanting to save the gift from her friends for last.

She tore off the wrapping to find a leather book with nothing written on it. There was no note on the outside of the packaging, either. Curious, she flipped open the cover and discovered a small piece of parchment stuck inside.

_Rey,_

_Happy birthday. I hope our meetings this term have been helpful for you, and that you will continue to meet with me when school resumes next year. In the meantime, please use this journal to record your thoughts this summer. It is not the same as having the opportunity to talk with someone in person, but I hope you find it constructive, nevertheless._

_Professor Snape_

Rey could feel her jaw drop slightly in shock as she finished reading through the note, and she handed it to Rose when she was done.

“Wha- Wow, you weren't kidding. He _can_ be nice.” Rey laughed in response, still surprised by the gift. Rose handed the note down to Poe, who was nearly hanging on her shoulder trying to read it. The two boys were speechless, having not believed Rey at all when she told them Snape was actually human.

Rey opened their gift last, opening the box to find a pair of ornate looking handheld mirrors. She glanced up at her friends curiously, and Finn picked one up.

“They're two-way mirrors. You say the password, and it will show you the other one. We wanted to get four, but they don't make them like that, only two-way.” Finn's tone was apologetic and Rey couldn't for the life of her figure out why. She felt tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

“We'll pass the other one back and forth every few weeks this summer. It kind of works out with me staying with Poe.” Finn smiled gently, giving her the time she needed.

“Thank you.” The whisper was hoarse, loaded. Her friends smiled and Finn put a hand on her forearm. She was once again reminded how lucky she was to have them.

The day passed uneventfully, with other classmates and housemates wishing her a happy birthday periodically. After spending the afternoon silently studying in the library and then going to dinner, Rey dropped by her room to drop off her gifts and some of her books before returning to the library. She was surprised to see another package waiting for her on her bed. 

There was no note or name on the outside. She shrugged and opened it, finding a box of a dozen chocolate frogs identical to the one she'd received at Christmas. The mystery of that gift came rushing back as she realized this must have been sent by the same person, and she still had no idea who it was. She decided to grab one and put it in her bag to munch on in the library before she turned to the other occupants of her bag. She carefully took her other gifts out and placed them on her bed next to the chocolate frogs, running a finger over the mirror. Suddenly the summer didn't seem so bleak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, did we ever really doubt that Rey's going to come around? I DID tag it HEA after all :D At least she's starting to admit it to herself! Poor Ben over there doesn't know how to respond to her half the time, and is buried in the middle of his OWLs. Hopefully things will get easier for him soon too. Also, screw Hux.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a miracle, guys. I'm back in the groove. Of course, that's about to end again because I work all day tomorrow and will have no time to write. Hopefully I won't lose my rhythm too badly again - after this we only have one chapter left before summer break! 
> 
> On another note, I've downgraded this back to T. The M rating was really just precautionary with this being my first published fic, but even though we haven't hit the relationship in this story yet I'm getting a better handle on how I want to write it and it will definitely be T. 
> 
> As always, thank you for the amazing comments. They make my day!

Rey made it back to the library with her notes for Potions and History of Magic, the two subjects she had the last Thursday of exams. She had decided to work on the two simultaneously, figuring that she could start with History and every time she got bored to the point of falling asleep she could just swap to Potions. It seemed like the best approach.

Once Rey was settled in her seat in the library, she took out her History of Magic notes and started going through all the dates she needed to know. Unfortunately, there were close to a hundred. Ben was across from her, deeply buried in his own notes, hands threaded through his hair so tightly it appeared he was trying to pull it out. She wasn't sure that he wasn't doing exactly that, actually. 

“Tough one tomorrow?” She spoke softly, wondering even as the words left her mouth if she wanted to disturb the peace in their corner of the library. Ben's entire body jerked and he lifted his head to stare at her, eyes wide. His notes slipped off the table and he glanced away to lean down and grab them with a slight pink to his cheeks.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you.” He'd clearly been completely lost in his own work.

“No, no, you're fine. I just, um...” He took a breath and tried to gather his thoughts as she watched him patiently. “I wasn't paying attention is all. Ancient Runes tomorrow.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“You love Ancient Runes.” He grimaced.

“Yeah, well I don't exactly approach it the way the examiners like. They're looking for textbook definitions with no leeway. It's stupid, but it's how you have to know it to pass the exam.” He looked down at his hands briefly before lifting his chin to make eye contact with her again. “Sorry, I probably should've mentioned that... before.”

“It's fine, I kind of got that idea in class.” She smiled, remembering a few graded tests that had requested a bit less interpretation in her translations. She pulled her chocolate frog out and unwrapped it, noticing as she took a bite that Ben was staring intently at her. She slowly put her snack down, feeling slightly self-conscious, and he seemed to snap back into focus and resume studying his notes. 

“What are you working on?” The soft words sounded hesitant, as if he wasn't sure he was allowed to ask. She answered in an equally soft voice.

“History of Magic. And Potions when I'm ready to fall asleep.” The low, rumbling laugh that reached her ears flooded her with warmth, and the rest of the library seemed to fade away around their little bubble. 

“Just worry about the early goblin uprisings. Those are the only ones your test really goes into.” She glanced up and smiled at him, watching his features soften as she did so before he buried himself once more in his own notes.

…...........................

By Sunday Rey was done with each of her subject reviews, and decided to take a day off from studying before doing one final review on Monday for Transfiguration. Classes were not taking place over the next two weeks, but her exams were scheduled for regular class time, so she had her Transfiguration exam first thing after breakfast on Tuesday morning. Her next one was Ancient Runes, in its regular block at the end of the day on Wednesday.

Despite deciding not to study for the day, Rey still found herself in the library, this time with a novel in addition to her sketching supplies. Ben was there, of course, looking even more exhausted than he had the last few days. She wondered if he was leaving the library to sleep at all. 

“You okay?” He slowly glanced up at her words, taking a second to focus on her face. His face twisted into a pained grimace and he shrugged.

“I'm going to die tomorrow.” The seriousness with which he said the words left Rey with an insane urge to laugh, but she had a feeling it would not be well received.

“You're going to do great. You're brilliant.” She felt her face heat at the words that had slipped out without her permission, but he barely seemed to notice. 

“I have Potions tomorrow. I'm so tired I can't see. I'm going to blow myself up and die.” She could barely make out the last few words as he dropped his head into his arms on the table, and her urge to laugh intensified. 

“Do you know all the Potions you might have to brew?”

“Yes.”

“Then what's the issue?” 

“I'm going to forget. I'm going to be tired and miss a step and that'll be it.” 

“Talk me through them.” He lifted his head from his arms and stared at her, eyes narrowed.

“What?”

“All the potions on your list. Talk me through the steps of each one and I'll check to make sure you have it right.” 

“I can't take up that much of your time. You have your own exams to study for.”

“I'm taking the day off. Let me help.” He continued staring at her, considering. He made up his mind then, picking up his book and slowly walking around the table to her. He paused several feet away and studied her face before stepping forward and holding it out.

She swallowed as she reached forward to take the book, immensely grateful for the hesitancy in his frame. She noticed how worn the cover was, the leather wearing through on the edges and the embossed words difficult to read. The pages inside, however, were immaculate, no creases or marks visible. She wanted to ask if the book had been passed down, but bit her tongue, deciding instead to focus on the task at hand. 

“Draught of Peace. Page 217.” He cleared his throat as she glanced up, noting that he had already returned to his seat and was preparing to start reciting the instructions for the first potion. 

After four potions, Ben stopped. Rey looked up expectantly, waiting for him to give her the next page number. 

“That can't be it.”

“I'm not wasting your whole day.” His voice was firm, prepared to hold steady if she argued. She looked down at his book, running a finger over the page that was open before her. 

“It's not wasted if it helps you.” She peeked up at him as subtly as she could. He was staring at her, contemplating her.

“Okay.” She waited.

“Strengthening Solution. Page 290.”

…...........................

Rey spent most of the day Monday in the library starting her final skim through her notes. She was surprised to see Ben's seat empty at first before remembering he was in the midst of his OWLs. She figured he'd be back after his exams finished for the day.

He was, dropping into his seat with a sigh in the middle of the afternoon. 

“Well, you're alive.” Her dry tone wasn't lost on him as he cracked a grin in her direction.

“Befuddlement Draught.” 

“Was it perfect? It was perfect, wasn't it?” She rolled her eyes as she spoke, tentatively hoping her humor would continue to be well received. He dropped his eyes as his cheeks colored slightly, but he didn't answer. She snorted.

“Of course it was. You panicked for nothing.” 

“I do _not_ panic.” 

“Sure.” She pretended to busy herself with her notes as she struggled to keep a straight face.

Tuesday morning Rey left the Transfiguration classroom after her exam, feeling fairly good about how she'd done. Almost the entire exam had been written, with one practical question at the end when she'd turned in the rest of her test. She knew at least that she'd gotten the casting right, changing the small owl into a pair of opera glasses.

She headed out to the lake for a walk, deciding to take a break until lunch and then head to the library for the afternoon. She spent an hour or so walking along the shore of the lake, kicking at small rocks near the water's edge as she contemplated the last few weeks in the library with Ben. He did seem truly remorseful for what he'd done, and she was having a hard time keeping herself distanced. She thought over the last few days, the easy banter they'd fallen into. 

Not for the first time, she wished he'd never attacked her. They could have been friends by now, the jokes they shared just one layer of a deeper friendship that included trust and comfortability. As it was, she felt like holding her breath every time she teased him, worried that she'd bring out that darker side to him. She really needed to take the advice of Rose and Snape, and hash it out with him. She was starting to feel like having that conversation was a real possibility. She'd wait until the end of exams to confront him, she decided. Both of them were falling into a false familiarity right now with the stress of exams, and it would do neither of them any good to upset that. Unfortunately, that meant she had about two weeks to worry over the upcoming discussion. Her stomach distracted her from her musings, and she headed back inside to eat.

Rey was almost through her reviews for Ancient Runes when Ben joined her. He threw himself into his chair and groaned, causing Rey's lips to turn up in a smile. 

“What almost killed you today?” She winced as he dropped his head onto the desk, a small thud echoing across the room.

“History.” She winced again.

“Oh. Ouch.” He nodded awkwardly from his position on the table. “As if the written exam wasn't bad enough, the practical was almost all the same information, just recited out loud.” 

“That sounds awful.” 

“It's just frustrating.” His voice was slightly clearer now that he'd lifted his head and was pulling a book out of the bag next to him. 

“Frustrating?” 

“The actual history is fine. It's important. Everyone should learn it. They just choose the dumbest parts to put in the exams. I'd rather learn about how and when spells were discovered and the history of the Statute of Secrecy than five hundred separate goblin wars that were all fought over the same thing.” 

Rey mentally added History of Magic to her running list of subjects that Ben had opinions on. She reminded herself that the only reason she did so was so that she wouldn't bring up a touchy topic in conversation.

“What do you have?” She was pulled out of her thoughts by his question.

“Ancient Runes.” He smiled in response, the worried lines on his forehead disappearing instantly. The drastic change left a knot in her stomach. 

“You want any help?” She started to shake her head and he spoke again. “I'm off tomorrow so it's no trouble.” She paused, considering, then nodded. 

“Okay, it would probably work best if I give you one and you draw it. Harder that way.” She nodded, pulling out a piece of parchment. “Do you... do you want to sit over here? So I can check them.” She watched as his shoulders hunched slightly, likely waiting for her to refuse. She stood up.

She sat down diagonally across from Ben, glad to have the table between them. He studied her for a moment before laying his hands on the table.

“Do you have a list?”

“What? Oh, yeah.” Rey pulled another parchment out from under the one she had ready to write on and slid it across the table. “Hang on, you need my book so you can check.”

“No I don't.” He smirked slightly as he said it, his tone challenging. She couldn't help but grin in return.

“If I fail tomorrow I'm blaming you.” He didn't bother to answer, instead looking down the sheet she'd passed him and picking one at random to begin.

…...........................

Rey was certain she didn't fail her Ancient Runes exam. She was certain she didn't fail any of the other exams she had that week, her study plan working perfectly to keep her organized and feeling prepared. She even felt like she did acceptably in Divination on Friday afternoon, after which she joined Rose in the courtyard to relax and enjoy the afternoon sun. 

The girls took the weekend almost entirely off from studying after a successful first week, and Rey took great advantage of the downtime to chat with her friends before everyone went home in a week and a half. She only returned to the library on Sunday afternoon to prepare for the next morning's Defense exam. 

She did a double-take as she walked in and saw Ben, sitting at his usual seat.

“Aren't you done?”

“What? Yeah.” She waited, but it seemed he didn't plan on elaborating.

“Why are you here?” His expression shuttered as soon as the words left her mouth.

“Sorry. I'll... find somewhere else.” He started to gather the books he had out and Rey instinctively stepped towards him.

“No! I mean, that's not what I meant. I was just surprised.” Ben paused, putting down the books he'd picked up. He nodded and reopened one of them. Rey felt like she should say something more, but she wasn't sure what. She sat down and took out her Defense notes. 

“What do you have next?” He didn't lift his head from his book as he asked her.

“Defense.” The air between them felt thick.

“It's almost always practical. The whole thing. Go over how to defend yourself from all the creatures you studied this year, you'll face a lot of the less dangerous ones.” She blinked, taking in his words and immediately making some notes in the margins of her parchment. 

“Thanks.” He either didn't hear her or just didn't respond, appearing as though he was lost in his book. She had a feeling it wasn't as enthralling as he made it out to be. 

Ben's prediction for her Defense exam was flawless, and she flew through the test with ease. The week continued to go smoothly with Arithmancy, Potions, and History all leaving her feeling good. She was surprised by how confident she was in her History result, once again knowing it was Ben's advice that had given her an edge.

After her Astronomy exam on Thursday afternoon she rushed to the library, wanting to get started on her Charms review for her final exam the next day. Ben was, as always, sitting in his usual spot when she arrived. 

“Well?” She shrugged. 

“Fine. It's Astronomy. You either know it or you don't.” 

“True. What's left?” She glanced away.

“Charms.” She felt the easiness between them begin to evaporate. 

“Let me know. If you... want help.” The words sounded forced from his lips and he turned to his book immediately. Rey retreated to her studies in lieu of answering. 

It wasn't until she'd returned from dinner that he spoke again.

“Have you, uh, gotten a chance to practice? Your Cheering Charm?” The hoarse edge to his voice made her look up to see his hands clasped together in front of him as he anxiously bit his lip.

“No. We didn't go over it again in class.” She couldn't help but keep her eyes trained on him. It was stupid at this point, she thought. He hadn't attempted a thing in the last few weeks and they were downright friendly through exams. 

“You should. Cast it, I mean.” She raised an eyebrow in question. “On me.” 

“No.” He opened his mouth as if to argue the point, so she beat him to it. “One, we're in the library and I'm _not_ getting detention the final week of the year. Two, I need to practice because _I'm not good at it._ I'm not going to try it on you.” 

“I trust you.” She felt tears form at the back of her eyes. 

“Of course you do.” The bitterness in her voice jumped across the room at him, twisting his expression into one of confusion.

“What?” He sounded lost.

“Of course you trust me. You – never mind. I need to focus.” She tried to find her place in her notes, but his voice drew her back.

“I what?” The challenging tone with which he asked displaced any lingering confusion.

“I don't want to talk about this now. Maybe after exams are over.”

“Okay.” She was surprised by the speed of his acquiescence and decided to relent. 

“If you're sure, it _would_ be helpful to try that charm once.” She was hesitant, unsure if the offer was still there. 

“Of course.” He stood up, leaving his wand on the table and came to stand halfway between his table and her chair. He smiled. “Do your worst.”

Rey later refused to admit that it crossed her mind for the barest hint of a second that she could cast anything on him right now. Shaking that from her mind, she focused on what he'd told her weeks ago, trying to stretch out her consciousness and feel the magic. Confident she had it, she cast the charm. She grinned immediately after, feeling no ill effects in her body. 

“I think it worked!” She glanced up to meet Ben's gaze, taken aback by the grin he was now sporting.

“That was perfect. Brilliant, Rey.” His smile didn't abate, and it took Rey about half a second to remember that it was due to the charm. She laughed lightly then, and he echoed her. 

“I guess I'm almost as cheerful as a normal person, now.” Rey snorted. 

Friday morning Rey was back in the library before her afternoon exam. Ben seemed to be back to his old self, lost in whatever it was he was reading while she skimmed through her notes one last time. She was having a hard time focusing.

“Um, about last night... can we, maybe, talk this weekend? I have... some things I want to say.” She forced the words out before she could change her mind. Ben glanced up while she was speaking, his eyes filling with anxiety as she spoke. She watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed nervously. 

“Sure.” She nodded, not wanting to extend the conversation, and continued on with her notes. 

Rey left a while later for lunch and didn't come back before Charms. The exam went swimmingly, the Cheering Charm she cast absolutely perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's preparing to get absolutely destroyed, isn't he?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, the last chapter of year one!! There's been a lot building to this, and I'm really happy with how it turned out. There will be one short chapter for over the summer and then we'll get straight into next school year. It shouldn't take long at all to write, I'm hoping to have it up tomorrow. 
> 
> On another note, Rose's backstory has really been coming together in my head, and I wanted to put feelers out there if there would be any interest in me writing that after I finish this story? It would have to be after, as in terms of timeline that would take place concurrently/after this story and I don't want to spoil this one, but I figured I'd mention it now so I can start planning.

Saturday morning Rey lay in bed a few extra minutes, relishing the fact that exams were over and she could spent the next four days at her leisure before the train back to London on Wednesday. She flopped her arms out to the side and sighed, looking over to Rose's bed to see a matching grin on her friend's face.

The two took their time getting dressed, just making it to breakfast for the last fifteen minutes or so. There they met up with Finn and Poe who seemed to be in full-on celebration mode before heading outside into the warm sunshine. It seemed most of the student body had the same idea, as the lawns outside the castle were crowded by groups of students lounging the morning light. 

Rey found her eyes wandering, searching. She'd never seen Ben outside of the castle, she realized. She wondered if he really spent all of his spare time in the library. He was _always_ there when she was. She was drawn out of her thoughts by peals of laughter coming from her friends, and she decided to put aside her thoughts of Ben and focus on spending the day with her friends. She only had a few days left, after all.

Sunday began much the same way, with the girls barely making it to breakfast in time to eat something before they retired outside with Poe and Finn. It was only after lunch that Rey split off from the group, promising to meet up at dinner. She made her way to the library wondering if Ben would be there. She had asked to talk this weekend, but belatedly remembered she never specified when. 

She shouldn't have worried, stepping between the stacks to see Ben sitting in his seat. His usual collection of books was nowhere to be seen, replaced by a stack of parchments, the topmost of which he was diligently filling with his scrawl. She wondered what it was he spent so much time writing. 

“Hey.” Her softly spoken word caused his hand to still and he lifted his head to look at her. The edges of his expression were tinged with apprehension and he swallowed thickly before responding.

“Hey.” His half-whispered tone matched hers, and she suddenly lost her hold on the conversation she'd planned in her head. She turned to her own chair and sat, wringing her hands together and she tried to decide how to proceed.

The silence seemed to grow by the second as Ben continued watching her, his brow creased in anxiety. He startled slightly as she jumped to her feet, searching through the nearest bookshelf to find something to read. Armed with a text she thought had something to do with transfiguration, she returned to her seat to flip it open, blindly staring at the pages before her. The deafening silence lasted only a few more minutes before Ben broke it.

“The other day...” His voice weakened and trailed off for a moment before strengthening once more. “The other day you were upset when I said I trust you. Why?” She paused, looking up from the book whose subject she still didn't know. Her surprise at Ben's willingness to broach the topic bled into her tone. 

“Like I said, of course you do. You don't have any reason to doubt me.” She sighed, resigned, as he cocked his head to the side. She took it as encouragement to go on.

“You _broke into my mind_. You didn't trust me, and that was your reaction. You violated me, just so you could have the answers you wanted. It's not even trust, really. You know everything. You don't have to trust, because you know.” He'd lowered his gaze to the table, his shoulders slumping, as she spoke. 

“Look at me.” Her voice cracked across the space between them like the tail of a whip, and he immediately obeyed. 

“I wanted to trust you, I was trying to. And then... and then you did _that_...” She paused, disrupted by his visible flinch at her words. “And you saw my thoughts, and my feelings, and I don't even know what. But you know all that about me, and...” She cut herself off, breathless from the turmoil clawing its way out of her. She wanted so badly to put into words the way she'd felt like the ground had been pulled from beneath her. 

“I'm sorry.” The small words barely carried to her. He met her gaze now, and he looked half his usual size, his shoulders shrunken in and his bottom lip pouting slightly and his remorseful stare burned through her. She threw it off.

“That's not enough, don't you get it? I felt like – like you knew everything about me.” She forced the words out even as her voice broke, and she took a few deep breaths through her nose to help quell the tears she could feel forming. Still he waited.

“I wanted to be your friend. I would've told you everything you took on your own.” Her whisper belied the heaviness of the words as they punched him in the gut, and she could see the impact in his eyes. She paused again as she watched her words cut through him before continuing on, her voice soft.

“And now... maybe I'm an idiot but I think I'm trying to give you another chance, but it feels like... like we're not on even ground.” She let out a gusting breath, becoming aware of the fact that at some point she'd stood up and moved into the space between their seats. She backed up now, collapsing back into her chair.

“I know.” He had to clear his throat, his hoarse words barely discernible. “I don't- I shouldn't-” He cut himself off again, swallowing as he broke eye contact to stare at his hands momentarily. She watched as he steeled himself and met her eyes again before continuing. “I can't take it back. I wish I could. I wish...” He shook his head. “You're right, it's not fair. That's why I started telling you. About me.” 

“Why? To make me forgive you?” Rey couldn't help the note of challenge her voice held, not quite catching whatever his stilted sentences were trying to tell her. His eyes widened at her words.

“No! No. I mean, not really. I guess there was a part of me that hoped... that maybe if you knew more about me, you might, I don't know, understand why I lost it.” He held a hand up to hold her off as she opened her mouth, ready to tell him off. “No, I know, that's stupid. There's no excuse.” His eyes flickered back down as he thought for a moment, and she chose to let him continue uninterrupted.

“I just... you wanted to get to know me, at least you did before. And I thought – I thought it was for the same reasons as everyone else. And once I... after that, I knew you actually did... care. And then it was too late anyway but I knew so much about you and you didn't know anything about me and I thought if I could fix it, if I could tell you about me you wouldn't feel so... so vulnerable.” His words had sped up as he spoke and he took a shaky breath as he finished speaking.

“Are you sure you're not doing it for you?” 

“What do you mean?” His brow had wrinkled in confusion at her question and she was tempted to backtrack, but the doubt within her made her press on.

“Telling me. About you, your family... how am I supposed to believe that you haven't been doing that to make yourself feel better about what you did?” His face morphed as she spoke, twisting from confusion into bitter anger by the time she finished. She pressed back slightly in her chair and swallowed, her eyes flicking down to his wand hand. She relaxed very slightly as she saw that it was empty, his wand still stowed in his robes. 

“You think talking about _any_ of that would make me feel better about _anything_?” He stood as he growled the words at her, his hands braced on the desk and the hunch of his shoulders now tense with pent-up ire.

“Rose thought you might be trying to guilt me into forgiving you.” Her voice was small and she was unsure if she even wanted to keep pressing, but it was too late now. Much too late, she realized, as he jerked upright, all color draining from his face. 

“What?” The word was whispered, but it reached her ears as loudly as if he had shouted. She opened her mouth to answer but didn't get the chance. “What did you tell her?” His words shook as he demanded an answer. 

“I-”

“WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?” His voice sounded raw as the words were ripped from his throat, coming out as a desperate roar.

“I didn't tell her anything! I said you were talking about yourself, but nothing specific, I promise!” Rey's words were breathless as she subconsciously made herself smaller in the chair. He jerked his hands up to clutch at the roots of his hair and she flinched violently at the sudden movement. He froze at her reaction, seeming to come back to himself, and he dropped his arms back to his sides. He visibly deflated, his fingers now limp as he stared at her.

“Shit.” The curse was fiercely whispered and he dropped heavily into his seat and put his head in his hands, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. After a moment he raised his head again to look at her, remorse written plainly on his face. Without taking his eyes off of her, he ever so slowly reached into his robes with his right hand and pulled out his wand, placing it gently on the table in front of him. She swallowed, her eyes flicking to the wand and back up to his face in acknowledgement of the silent promise. 

The silence swirled around them with the vestiges of their tumultuous exchange and Rey caught herself matching Ben's even breathing. The steady inhale and exhale was the only sound for close to a minute. Rey's eyes stayed trained on Ben's face, taking in the anxiety still painted across his features. 

“Most of what I told you...” He spoke lowly, and she had to strain to catch his words. “I've never told anyone.” The vulnerability in his voice made it clear that he was flayed open before her, inviting her to take her best shot, and the urge to reassure him had never been stronger. 

“I don't like talking about it. My family, any of that shit. But I thought... I thought it might help to level the playing field. I never meant for you to feel like you ever have to forgive me.” His eyes dropped to the table then, apparently finding the woodgrain fascinating. The silence stretched on.

Rey's mind raced as the minutes rolled by. He didn't seem perturbed by her lack of response, perhaps thinking she wouldn't ever answer. She knew what she had to tell him. She'd thought it would be more difficult than this, but the words easily slipped past her lips.

“I already forgave you.” He didn't lift his head, but the sudden stillness in his body gave him away. 

“No you didn't. I know you hate me, you don't have to keep pretending.” The words were spoken to the table but they made it across the room to Rey. Her heart lurched at the flat tone.

“I don't hate you.” She hoped the softly spoken words might convince him to finally look up at her, but he continued his inspection of the table before him. She sighed.

“I wanted to hate you. I was so upset. I thought we were finally making progress, and then you attacked me. And I didn't feel safe anymore, and that was the absolute worst feeling. Rose tried so hard to convince me to turn you in, but... I knew how badly that would go for you. And I didn't hate you. I couldn't. I hated how I felt, how you ruined any trust I had in you, but I never hated you. And then you started telling me about yourself, and I couldn't help but understand, even though I didn't want to. I wanted so badly to just be able to go back to before any of it happened. But now... I just want to move forward.” She heard her voice crack on the last sentence, unable to contain the tear that slipped from the corner of her eye. Ben finally looked up.

“Then move on.” The barest hint of a sad smile graced his lips as he stared at her. 

“I meant with you.” He shook his head slowly.

“You don't want to be friends with me. Trust me on that, at least.” The bitterness in his voice surprised her.

“Why not?” Her voice rose in challenge.

“No one does.” His tone grew harsh once again and his shoulders stiffened in defiance. 

“But I do.” He tilted his head to the side and that sad smile appeared again. He stared at her for a moment.

“No one wants to be friends with the weird kid who messes with the Dark Arts.” 

Rey was certain she was still breathing, but it didn't feel like she was getting any oxygen. It didn't feel like there was any left in the room at all. The silence rang in her ears.

“You know I like magical theory. That includes dark magic.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I've always been interested in it. Been sneaking books out of the Restricted Section for years. I've never cast anything, I couldn't care less about that. I like studying how it works. I know you've heard people talk about me. You don't want to be friends with that.” 

He gathered his pile of parchment and his wand, then stood up as if to make for the door. He took only three steps before stopping, sighing, and turning around. He sat back down in his chair and resumed staring at the table, unmoving. Rey waited. And waited. He never moved. Feeling suffocated, she jumped up and hastened out of the library, through the castle, and out onto the grounds. It was by the lake that she collapsed to the ground, finally able to breathe. 

…...........................

Rey kept an eye on the time Monday afternoon, making sure she abandoned the chess tournament with her housemates in time to head to her last meeting of the year with Snape. He rolled his eyes at her clenched hands but his tone was kind when he spoke.

“What happened now?” She huffed a laugh, pointedly relaxing her fists and taking a measured breath before she answered.

“So I... talked to him. For a while. I thought everything might turn out okay, but...” She looked back down at her hands before continuing. She narrated their argument in the vaguest terms possible, leaving out all references to dark magic as she spoke. It was getting harder and harder to explain their dynamic to Snape without using any identifying information. 

“He seems so sure that I should hate him. What should I do?” She finally finished her tale, desperate for help. Snape drummed his fingers on the desk for a moment before replying.

“Unfortunately, I'm not in the position to be able to give you advice on this, Rey. Usually I'm here to help and advise you however I can, but I cannot when I'm personally involved. I'm sorry.” She bit back her disappointment.

The meeting continued on as they talked about the upcoming summer and how Rey was planning to spend her days. Snape gave her some advice on what to study in her spare time and she thanked him again for the journal before saying her goodbyes.

The rest of the week went by too fast, and before Rey knew it, it was Saturday morning and they were loading their trunks onto the carriages to head to the train station in Hogsmeade. Rey shared a compartment with Rose, Finn, and Poe, and the four spent the day-long train ride recounting their favorite memories from the year. 

Goodbyes were always hard, and this year was no exception as she hugged Finn and Poe before they headed off with Poe's dad, who smiled and waved to her from down the platform. Rose pulled her into a fierce hug and whispered in her ear.

“I know something happened with Ben this week and you better tell me everything through that mirror this summer, okay?” Rey nodded, smiling through a few tears before she let go of her best friend and waved her off. She took one last glance around the platform before grabbing the end of her trunk and leaving in the direction of the bus station. There was still no sign of Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was intense. We'll have some reflection of events from Rey in the summer before we jump on in to the next year. I hope you all enjoyed the wild ride that was year one, and don't worry, year two isn't any less angsty! Our idiots are not done being idiots.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, I'm still alive! Thanks so much to everyone for your patience. As I mentioned in a few comments, basically what happened was I has the first year of this fic outlined and ready to go, but had more undeveloped ideas going forward that centered around plot points I knew I wanted to include. So once I finished writing that first year, I hit a major road block. I ended up going back and outlining the rest of the fic more solidly and did some serious fleshing out and timeline creation for the ideas and events I had planned. So now we should be more on track for consistent updates.
> 
> A few notes on this chapter: I decided to skip writing the summer and will instead allude to any pertinent details through flashbacks. I tried to write a summer chapter and it just wasn't working. I hated the tone and the way it fit with everything else, so I decided to just jump to school year #2. I also have new class schedule for Ben and Rey - that was an adventure in itself. I decided the easiest way to go would be for each year's schedule to be fixed so as Rey gets older I can just reuse Ben's schedules, but then that meant that this year's (year 4 and year 6) couldn't interfere with last year's (3 and 5). I got that all ironed out, plus a year 7 schedule, so I get to be totally done with that nightmare that included Open Office spreadsheets, logic puzzle-looking grids and drawings, and several hours. I am incapable of doing anything halfway, if you hadn't noticed. I'll get the pdf of the new schedules up with the next chapter for anyone interested. 
> 
> Again, a huge thank you to everyone sticking with this story, I'm so happy to be back to writing chapters and getting it updated - this version of Ben and Rey have totally stolen my heart.

The first of September was hot this year, and Rey stood on the platform fanning herself with a book while she waited for her friends to arrive. She was about half an hour early for the train and knew it was unlikely that Poe and Finn would be there for another twenty minutes. Rose and Paige, however, should be arriving soon, and she couldn't wait. 

Of course, over the summer she and her friends had made good use of the mirrors she'd been gifted for her birthday, so she'd talked to everyone fairly recently, but it had still been a few months since she'd seen any of them in the flesh. Rey's first conversation with Rose had come only days after she arrived back in London. She was desperate to tell Rose about how she'd left things with Ben that day in the library, and Rose had been just as desperate to hear about it.

The advice she'd received had been to keep trying to be friends, if that's what she still wanted. She decided to take Rose's opinion with a grain of salt, seeing as how she'd left out his interest in learning about the Dark Arts. She'd decided to table that until a later time. She couldn't put her finger on why, but she felt a protectiveness when it came to him that prevented her from sharing many details with her friends. 

It had taken a few more weeks to come to the conclusion that she didn't care. She understood his desire to learn. She shared it. How could she fault him for that? It was obvious other people in his life had jumped to conclusions when faced with the same information, and she was determined not to be one of them.

Rey had found a new park nearby early in the summer where she then spent most of her time working on homework, drawing, and talking to her friends in a quiet corner where no Muggles could find her talking to a mirror. The surplus of time had definitely worked to her advantage this year, allowing her to reflect on everything that had happened over the past year with Ben. By the time August was coming to a close, Rey was looking forward to breaking through the next layer of his defenses.

It was about three weeks after the summer break had started that Rey had had an epiphany. Frustrated with her lingering confusion over Ben, Rey had thought back to her last meeting with Snape. She'd been mildly upset that he had refused to give her any advice when the words repeated through her mind and caused something to click.

_Personally involved._

That had to mean something. She wondered what he meant by personally involved. Was he unwilling to give her straightforward advice without knowing the full situation? Or was it possible he knew more than he was letting on? It seemed unlikely that Ben would be one of the other students Snape mentored, but maybe it was possible. 

What if he was? What if he'd told Snape the same story, but from the other perspective? Anyone would put two and two together, and Snape was far sharper than average. Was he talking to Snape about his family? The anger problems he'd hinted at? _Her?_

Rey was shaken out of her recollections of the summer by a squeal only moments before the force of a body running full speed into her stole her breath. She hugged Rose back, grinning at her friend's obvious delight. Her musings over Ben Solo could wait.

…...........................

The train ride was uneventful, the four friends spending the hours catching up on little things, talking about upcoming classes, and playing card games. Finn and Poe were devastated to hear that she'd dropped Divination, but Rose high-fived her at the news. Her work load last year had been extensive and she knew it would only get worse from there, so Divination had ended up being the weakest link.

It was raining in Hogsmeade when they climbed into the carriages to head up to the castle, and the splashing of puddles on the carriage wheels added a gloominess to the evening that left Rey dying for the warmth and light of the Great Hall. The familiar doors opened to welcome the students back and Rey couldn't help but smile as she made her way to her and Rose's usual spots at the Hufflepuff table. Tea and hot chocolate were already lining the tables, giving the students something to help them warm up during the Sorting Ceremony, and Rey immediately reached for a hot chocolate as her eyes habitually flickered over to the Ravenclaw table. 

Ben was studying her, his expression guarded and dour as usual until he caught Rey's glance. He jerked his chin down, avoiding any more eye contact and staring at his hands folded on the table in front of him. Rey sighed, turning back to Rose to rejoin the conversation with her housemates as everyone shared their summer adventures. 

The conversation quickly turned to grades as several of her year mates mourned their high marks of first and second year. It seemed a few of the exams had thrown many for a loop. Rey smiled softly, biting her lip to hide her expression as she remembered getting her grades by owl in early July. 

Defense Against the Dark Arts: O  
Charms: O  
Transfiguration: O  
History of Magic: E  
Astronomy: A  
Potions: E  
Herbology: E  
Ancient Runes: O  
Arithmancy: E  
Divination: P

She had been slightly disappointed in her Astronomy score, but overall, she was thrilled. She knew some of her exam results were thanks to Ben. His help with Charms had been huge, but he'd also given her a leg up for Defense and History. Her History score had been particularly notable, especially to her friends. Rose had nearly dropped the mirror when Rey had told her. Rey laughed as she realized Rose was currently spreading that information at the Hufflepuff table.

“An _E_? In History? That's _unheard of_.” The awe in Jannah's voice caused Rey to snort and all heads nearby turned to her, apparently searching for the elusive answer to her brilliant performance. Rey shrugged.

“I just got lucky, I guess. Studied the right things.” Rose smirked but didn't say anything, for which Rey was eternally grateful. She didn't need it getting out that she'd basically had exam prep and tutoring from one of the best fifth years in the school. 

The Sorting Ceremony sped past and before too long everyone had tucked into the feast, sharing stories of their summers. Rey chatted with Jannah for a while, trying to ignore the feeling of someone watching her. As Jannah turned backed to her dinner, Rey glanced up at the Ravenclaw table, immediately catching Ben's eye. He seemed to startle when she caught him watched her and quickly averted her eyes. Rey sighed and refocused on her surroundings, including a smirking Rose.

“So.” Rey knew better than to think that Rose's tone was anything but demanding. She played dumb anyway.

“What?” Rose rolled her eyes.

“You know what. When are you gonna talk to him?”

“Whenever I see him, I guess. I already told you, last time I saw him he told me I didn't want to be friends with him and I left. So I'm not sure...” Rey trailed off, unable to put her hesitation into words. She'd kept Ben's revelation about studying the Dark Arts to herself, not wanting to worry Rose needlessly until she'd talked to him more about it. That might be difficult though, seeing as the last time they'd spoken, he'd told her about his studies, and she'd nearly panicked and left without saying another word. That had been close to three months ago, and now she had no idea where to begin.

“Just be careful, okay?” Rey sighed again. 

“He's not going to attack me again, okay? I told you all about our conversation over the summer.” Rose cut her off before she could continue.

“That's not want I meant, Rey. Look, he was obviously tough enough to get to know the first time around. I just don't want to see you determined to make friends here if he's unwilling. I don't want to see you let down like that.” Rose's soft tone of voice cut through Rey's frustration. She turned to Rose and smiled.

“I promise that won't happen. Really. If he's not interested in talking or being friendly, I'll drop it.”

…...........................

Rey didn't make it to the library until after the second day of classes, finally finding a chance to slip away that evening. It was Friday night, so she didn't really need to get a start on her homework, but she decided to bring her books anyway.

She quietly padded to the back, relieved to see her chair from last year empty. She was also relieved to see Ben is his same spot as the year before. His hair was a bit longer this year, now almost down to his shoulders rather than just barely covering his ears. His shoulders seemed a bit broader too, although it was hard to tell with him curled in on himself as usual. She bit back a smile as she took out a novel. Just like old times.

“I can go if you want.” The soft roughness of Ben's voice pulled her attention to him where he was slowly gathering his books, shoulders as hunched in as ever. It took a second for his words to register.

“What? Why would I want you to leave?” The bewilderment was clear in her question, and yet it just served to confuse him.

“I just thought... after what I told you...” He was mumbling now, staring down at his hands on the desk in front of him. 

“Don't be ridiculous. Stay.” He blew out a breath at her words.

“Okay.”

It seemed to be only minutes later that Ben cleared his throat, drawing her from her book. A quick glance at her watch told her it had actually been hours, and curfew had come and gone. She glanced up to see Ben standing a few paces in front of her with his bag slung over a shoulder. 

“I uh, I have class.” He cleared his throat again, looking anywhere but at her as he absentmindedly played with the strap on his bag. Rey had no idea what he was waiting for.

“Okay... Astronomy, then?” He nodded. Deciding she definitely needed to be heading back to her common room, Rey gathered her own materials before getting to her feet. Ben walked haltingly beside her to the door of the library. There he stopped, facing her, and jerkily nodded before spinning on his heel and heading in the direction of the Astronomy tower. Rey laughed to herself. What the hell had that been?

Miraculously, she made it back to Hufflepuff without being caught. Rose was waiting on her bed when she entered the fourth year dormitory, and as soon as she saw Rey she sprung up.

“Where have you been? What happened?” Rose's small stature didn't seem quite so small with her hands on her hips and that gleam in her eye. 

“Uh, the library. Just lost track of time.” Rose arched an eyebrow.

“Lost track of time _doing what_?” 

“Oh my god, Rose, no. _Reading_.” Rey could feel the blush on her face before Rose burst into laughter.

“I know, I know. I didn't mean it. Seriously though, way to start off the school year. Did you guys talk? Sort everything out?” Rey groaned as she sat on her bed and rested her chin in her palm.

“He was _weird_ , Rose. Like, he's completely forgotten how to have a conversation. He told me he had class and then just stood and waited? And then he _nodded_ at me when he left. I honestly have no idea.” Rey was glad to be able to share the mystifying encounter with Rose. 

“You say that as if Ben Solo isn't weird 100 percent of the time with every other person in this school, Rey. You're the only one claiming otherwise.” Rey couldn't help but laugh. 

“Come on, I want to go to bed. We have the whole weekend to catch up before classes start for real on Monday.” Rose acquiesced, mumbling something about Rey having been on another planet for Defense that morning if she didn't count that as a real class.

…...........................

Saturday afternoon found Rey by the lake, her sketchpad and charcoal pencils in her lap. She'd worked on capturing whatever it was that was Ben over the summer, but she was continually frustrated by her attempts. She could never seem to get the balance between his hard and defensive facade and brightly burning interior right. She could still remember that day in the library like it was yesterday, when Ben had gotten completely lost in his speech on Ancient Runes. The way his face had betrayed his every thought and feeling, the way his eyes lit up the more he spoke. It frustrated her to no end that she had yet to capture that side of him adequately.

After an hour or two of working on her newest effort, she gave up for the day. She was happy with the progress so far, most of her time this afternoon having been spent on painstakingly detailing his hair. That was the wonderful thing about drawing, she supposed. It was the only time she allowed herself to focus on the features she tried so valiantly to ignore. The reality was, though, as soon as she'd forgiven him last spring, her crush had coming rushing back. Seeing him again last night had been a strong reminder. 

She packed up and began the walk to the castle, skipping over her common room and going right to the library. She already had homework in four classes that she needed to get started on.

Ben was, not surprisingly, at his table, a book open in front of him. Rey got settled and pulled out her Defense homework, not quite as enthralled by this year's syllabus focusing on curses as she had been by last year's. Still, she found the subject interesting once she got into the reading, so she set up a page for taking notes and got started on the first chapter. 

A quiet curse pulled her from her book a short while later, and she glanced up to see Ben shaking his hand out, a broken quill lying on the table next to him. He must have noticed her stop working because he glanced up momentarily, a grimace painted on his face. He resumed studying his hand where he evidently scratched or cut himself with the quill. 

“Sorry.” His muttered apology caused her to sigh. Clearly, he didn't feel as though she wanted him here. This was the second day in a row he'd expressed regret for nothing more than daring to exist near her. She decided to ignore the apology.

“You okay?” He raised his head and slowly met her eyes. She waited. He nodded. There was still a tension in the air between them, but it seemed to dissipate slightly as he broke eye contact and began searching for another quill. She caught a glimpse of his book as he moved it to look underneath. _Foundations in Modern Physics_. She couldn't stop the smile that pulled at her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The physics book title here isn't real, I just made up something that sounded like a textbook I would have had in school. Nerd Ben can't get enough. :)


End file.
